Will it hurt forever?

My mom and I are so different, in almost everything, and every day and situation we pass by makes me realize how true our difference is.

My mom has never agreed on many of my choices: from the simplest to the most crucial ones: she hates how I dress (thinking I don't give much value to myself), what I do as job, how I spend money, who I used to date and many other things that I won't bother you with.

 So next weekend, my mom is attending weedings of some relatives and as usual, she insists that I go with her, which is something I am going to do despite the pressure it represents to me. Basically, in such gatherings, people ask you the same questions again and again: what are you doing, why you gained weight, why you cut your hair, and when are you getting married.

 When we had coffee break in office, I was talking to my boss and told her about it and she gave me a very clever idea. She said: when they ask you, just say I am waiting for the prince to come on his horse. Made me laugh whole day.

 I hate this question a lot, and it is not for the same reasons other girls hate it (because they are still single) but because it takes me back to memories I don't want to remember. Memories that say why I am hiding from everybody.

 In one of the articles I read before going to bed, I discovered that my syndrom is not new to humanity (thanks God!), I wonder if there is another article available to say how to fix it. Well, in two words I became unavaible emotionnally which is something I realize but I can do nothing about it.

I lose interest in men quickly (this is in case I get any interest at the start) and I can hardly bare people when I feel that a point of view is going to be put on the table by force. I am not scared of love, I wish I was but it seems there is nothing I am able to give to be scared of it.

When you come from a culture that condams love and relationships, you can not expect people to have compassion for your pain, and one of the things I most hate in this world is when someone tells me: oh come on! it is nothing, you will be okey, people are dying of hunger else where and you make a big deal of a lost love story.

Yes, it makes me so angry, that we decide on what is painful and what is not, simply, because if it was not painful, I wouldn't have spent all these years in the darkness of a memory, and yet it is not over.

I don't mind my difference from people arround me, I don't mind my difference from my mom. I think change starts always somehere with one opinion and one person and I am so blessed to wake up everyday, find the other side of my bed empty. I breath so deep and thank God that I am not making anyone's life misearable by marrying him just to get married.
Yes, I am relieved. Noone deserves to suffer and once you taste it, my rule is: to never inflect it to others, and to never lower your expectations and accept less than what you deserve.
What do we deserve: is to be "truly" happy

Ps: My boss sarcastic advise is really good, so I will use it during the weeing party and tell you how it went, later :)


Thank you for reading 

The cost of being yourself

I have a friend who says all the time: you are a naughty, smart Aleck and bad girl but with lot of charisma and goodness. Guess what, She's so damn right! :-) I have started using a hashtag on my posts recently that was inspired by a conversation with one of my colleagues: #Because_I_am_nice #I_am_ weird The idea was to say that people nowadays meet so many rude ones who are being nice to them for benefit that they can not believe: some are nice just because this how they are, which is 100% my case. Back to my friend's comment. I think she wanted to say: you too can be pissed off but yet you find the best way to communicate what you think in total honesty, yet focusing on not being the one who hurts. Few days ago, I had to say "no" to somebody and I really didn't want him to think I have a check list of criteria to which he doesn't respond (which was part of the truth) and at the same time, I was not ready to tell him the real reason behind my "no". So I acted just like my friend described me and said: You know, I am too complicated and not that attractive, I guess you can find better. Some people think I underestimate myself (which is far away from being the case), again we only believe what we want to believe. and the world is so full of misconceptions and inflected wrong values that we never take time to understand others. We are always busy thinking they are what we think they are. So yeah, I got rid of that guy (Thanks God! I know I am rude). Technically, there is a part of truth in me saying that he deserves better. I am convinced nobody is too good for another one. There is just this question of "matching" and "feeling" and they are no longer valid for me. I belong to a very small rang of girls (particularly Arab girls) who know what they want and it is almost not tolerated in my culture (or shall I say the culture I am living in), so I tend to define my relationships and expectations from people since the very beginning, no matter what the relationship is about and in "love" (if it can still be called love)I never lie because I do not want to live a life of regret having someone's pain on my shoulders. Basically, I summarize in few sentences to everyone I meet my idea about love: that it is a one time card, and I already used it. So I can be nice and caring and may be go crazy with the person I am with, but it will never be love, just because I hold someone in my heart that I think pieces of my heart will love him forever. Two main things pissed me off with the guy that I was nicely rude to him (lol): the first is that when I expressed my vision, he judged my pains and said that people are dying of hunger, that's a real pain, not mine. Well, pains are relative and what is painful for me doesn't have to be painful for others. Again, I respect other people's feelings.As a citation says: "it is healed when you can tell the story and it doesn't make you cry", guess what: those three lines about the story already made me cry. The second thing is the confusion people have between love and sex. I don't know if it is the post effect of a lost love or the sexual reproductive health activist who I am who makes me as complicated as that, but I think frustration is everywhere, unfortunately it is the easiest way to make interesting people lose interest. Many girls around me ask for my advice and I always open the discussion to the idea of making informed choices. This is one of the principles that I don't think they are submitted to a religious or culture affair but rather to everybody's willingness to go or not for a certain number of practices. So when you try to be yourself, you are qualified of "boring", "limited" and many other names. My very common advice to my friends has always been Charlie Chaplin's citation: your naked body shall only belong to those who fall in love with your naked soul. And naked soul means: you in your normal state, in three words: you being yourself

An end is forever anyaway

I still can see the little ring in silver in my keychain in form of heart, shining like a piece of diamond. This little something that I couldn't throw away as hard as I tried. It shouldn't mean a lot to me I know. Not because I am not Worth it but probably because I asked you to offer it to me years ago, now that I remember how far in time you gave it to me, or may be because it didn't represent much of love from you when you gave it to me. Yet, in the middle of pains, I can remember what we were both wearing the day you asked me to sit next to you and took my hand to put it on my finger. There were nothing between us but I believed so strong that we had inside of us loads of feelings of love for each other, in which I wouldn't believe again no matter. Looking back, I would try not to convince myself it was all fake, just because I want to leave to my heart little of hope that may be, I lived something true. Else, dying would be a better option in this case. Trying to cultivate my insane brain with some constructive readings, I always think of this beautiful citation in spanish: " ¡Los suspiros son aire y van al aire! ¡Las lágrimas son agua y van al mar! Dime, cuando el amor se olvida ¿sabes tú adónde va? Breathes are air and go to air, tears are water and go to the sea but can you tell me when we forget love, where does it go? This would be my question to you forever beyond the end of the world. where did years of love and sacrifice of the precious pieces of my heart go, or wasn't I just Worth it? Would you believe me telling you that after love everything hurts around even what I used to love in you. Would you believe that love makes of the loving ones monsters who do not know what aim to have for the remaining years, days, hours or seconds of existence on earth? Probably, my questions wouldn't mean much. You are right. Why should they? an end is forever anyway and you just ended me the day you took my smile away. What could really have a meaning to me now, that I walk lost in the hope that things never ended. How impossible would it be for everyone who has truly loved to live an insanity again. Probably, this would be close to death for me, not because I do not want to love, not because I want to impress you, not because I want you back, but because I simply can not do so. The leftovers of my dignity tell me everyday that I should at least respect what I have always felt for you that you couldn't respect in me. When I feel the intensive darkness around, I tend to wonder what could this incredibly bad thing be that I have done to deserve such an end. Then I remember that justice and sincerity are far away from the world of mortals. I keep faith in God that probably someday for any senseless reason, I can find my way to smile again.

The only true thing in me is you

The biggest insane wish of my life was to love and be loved madly. Yet, I don’t know how realistic can wishes be. I also don’t know how probable it is to be loved back or to love back same time. On my list of contacts, not the facebook but the real one, I am mostly surrounded by people who advise what they can never do. I am so fond of them because they don’t stop teaching me good lessons to better behave. I wish if they could make their ethics work from time to time to let it guide them to the right way. Anyway, this is not our subject for today. So once, when I debated this subject with one of them, he told me: relationship is about how much you can bare the other. I don’t think this is what relationship means but this is deeper. This is what might love mean. In my heart, I hold someone and I think each day my love gets purer, bigger, and more respectful and ready for sacrifices. I quite doubt that I am loved back but honestly, the ability to love is a blessing from God and I am so thankful God gave it to me. So first, when you love, you don’t believe it. Then you start running away to see how it feels, then you feel your brain is out of control, then you start asking people around you if they think you look like someone loving. So you continue doing such idiot things for long time, just the way I did, till you realize that you had the answer since the beginning and you just couldn’t see it, too much blinded by the other and ignoring yourself and all what yourself does. Yes, it is about the small details that you forget about. It is about how calm you keep in a moment of fight, and then you forgive quickly. It is when you are mad and not talking to him, but yet you can’t stop taking care of him. It is when it should be whether you or him and you don’t think twice: it is him. It is the small loving note that you leave, or the bar of chocolate you bring to him, as foolish as it seems to be. It is when you know you can’t but for him, you feel you can. It is when your lips can’t say it but your eyes definitely do: I really care for you. It is also when you have to let it go or to simply walk away. It is when your happiness comes in second place. It is when your egoism whispers but love shouts high so that you only do good things. And above all, it is when you can admit with no shame for the good it gives you and the good you offer.

The meaning of happiness

I don’t remember much from the Spanish classes I took years ago on which I invested money, time and energy meaningfully but the feckless me could keep in memory one of the most powerful questions never asked: “are we truly free to be happy?” Along my lonely journey trying to figure out what can truly make us, humans freely happy, I’ve been through billion of words defining what I call scanty happiness. “Happiness is making people around you happy” which is true but conditioned by others; what they want and how satisfied they are with what you do for them. I have personally invested a lot on it, not because I had to but just because I truly wanted to. I went beyond my limits so many times thinking this could give a meaning to my senseless life but I was mostly confronted to dissatisfaction that put me on edge which is not among the best motivational elements for my miserable optimism. “Happiness is doing what you love and loving what you do” which is also right but limited to the things you can do meanwhile there might be plenty of others that you are unable to make that could make you happier. So these two statements are for me, few ones among the billion of conditions that can interfere between you and happiness. There are those conditions related to you, just like: lack of belief on what you want, lack of trust, lack of courage to walk forward. Others related to your environment: political, economic, geographical, social and religious barriers. For a friend of mine, happiness would be living in Australia which he can’t afford. For another one, it is having her family beside her which she can’t make because she has to study abroad. For some, it is a peaceful life away free from discrimination that society keeps inflecting to them. Indeed, happiness is so under dependency which quite foils me. Me who has been looking for ages for what could take my pure feelings higher than what they continuously, strongly and truly make the world around me feel and appreciate. Keeping hope that someday, somewhere with someone I will finally taste this happiness, I keep on drawing a discrete smile on my lips with unexpected moments of happiness met fortuitously to insert in my heart an eternal memory of joy

Do not ask me (1)

I knew it was going to be something new, something unbelievable; something that billion of people would give their all to have it just once in a life time. I knew it was going to be my so wanted occasion to give, to give truly, to give from my heart. I knew it was going to be the first time that I feel unable to answer questions addressed to myself. I knew it was not going to remain there forever. I knew it had an expiry date. I knew it would never be as I want it to be. I knew what I would have loved not to know. I knew it would make me miserable someday, break my world and build it again with a mediocre word or a feelingless look. I knew all of that, but I knew that I wanted it more than any precious thing in my life. And now, that I know it has to go away I know that I have given for the first time with every inch of me and said bullshits that no matter how silly or childish they seemed, they were just so true.

Home is where your heart is

Do you know how it feels when you challenge yourself with something in which you put all the remaining efforts that your body still have to achieve it then when you are about to give up, it comes true? That’s just how I found myself in the US. The hot and humid weather of DC combined to my loneliness in the first couple of days was a good argument for me to stick at one place and get back to one of my favorite activities that my office work was preventing me from doing it: monologue. Running everywhere in the conference next to spending some cool time with few friends over there were kind of break to my so confusing monologs. Yet, I could be taken away by my thinking from time to time on the table while taking diner or while crossing a long street. This tornado of mixed feelings maintains my mind far away from the realities of my world. A world that I am taking its days the way they come just like if tomorrow could be my last breath. Before my trip came to its end, I set already the lessons learnt from it. It is not my humble ordinary IQ which is getting higher, no, but just surprising myself by boosting my senses to see the important facts before it will be too late. In Algeria, freedom, the one that women from an Arab state would talk about is already affirmed in my case. That’s why I feel like fighting for a freedom that could be too much upgraded from what they are fighting for. Curiously, in DC I could have this talk with someone who just understood what I meant by this so repeated word: “home”. Yet, to meet what I am looking for, there was a real need to define it. I do admit that trips helped me a lot. Whenever I am far away, I know that I don’t want to go back, that having my two loved people who I left behind in Algeria will fix my mood no matter where I am. Then between the two extreme flagging feelings of the first couple of days that I spent alone desiring to get back to Algeria soon and the last ones that I wished if they could be slowed down was laying the answer to all my questions. Home is where your heart is and unfortunately I still can’t say much about mine. Nor it is here, neither it is there. It is such a confusing feeling when you know you shouldn’t be there, but you just can’t find this pencil to draw a way to your home. You realize at this point that the challenge is lunched again. This time to seek the freedom of empowerment, space, thinking and above all living peacefully a true feeling of your heart.