My father, my lover and my heart

I am not sure I know what does a father love mean, and I doubt also that my small innocent heart has already lived the true feeling of a passionate love.
I have never been sure of anything. This is what the law of probability says and I am not against my logical spirit.
Between my lover and my father, my heart is still confused but I am not trying to fix its feelings anyhow.
I already know what I want and it is enough. I strongly believe that what we should look for isn’t what we need, but what we badly desire.
For these reasons, and for others, I decided to dedicate to each one an exact number of the beatings of my heart.
My father is this superb and wonderful one who brought me to this life. Many people, who knew him, think that I have his shitty character but I don’t care about their opinion. I am proud of it.
I have his curly hair( well, I can make it straight also) and I really love it. I live on my own planet, I like to build, unfortunately not houses as he did, but plans and beauties, and all of this is because I am a part of him.
However, today, he is a memory of my past.
A past that for sure, I am not planning to forget.
A past that no longer affects the strong woman I pretend I am.
A past that I remember with a big pure smile.
And it is also the past that created my present and will lead to my future.
This present I am sharing it with a great man who I deeply thank for all the beautiful feelings I discovered since I welcomed him to my life.
I am not sure whether this present will last or not but I am happy anyhow
For all the laughs, for all the care he gives me.
For all the promises he made and strongly kept.
For his wisdom, which I think is necessary to handle a life with such a crazy girl friend like me.
For his smile that makes me smile.
For his presence and his purity.
For his coming sacrifices that I will reward.
For not judging me with my hair color, my origins, my nationality, my life style and my aims in life, just like many people, who I truly loved, did.
And simply for being a part of my world.. I would like to say: thank you…

In this equation, nothing was chosen but everything was a confident decision that my mind has made.
My heart, as much as my mind, is satisfied because whenever I am alone, I am an individual who lives his choices deeply without anyone’s help or opposition, and this is according to me, the perfect balance that a human being needs to be himself.

Thank you for reading.

I am..........

At this period of the year, most of my school mates are in front of their laptops typing some chapters for the final project. It is what I am supposed to be doing too. But curiously, my feelings needed to draw some lines on a sheet of paper, not to empty my heart but to remove this heavy pressure on my head.

Since I came back from Istanbul I am not feeling good. And I honestly, don’t find the reason of this sadness that makes my daily life a bit hard, lazy and full of disconnection from what I used to do.

I gave up some courses; my studies aren’t going well because of some intern problems.
I am realizing that most of the time, from happiness we can create bigger elements of sadness.

After spending a great week in Istanbul, I came back crying, missing the city of my dreams.
After starting to date this crazy funny and sweet guy thinking that I am not going to get attached, I found myself crying his absence whenever he flies for work.
Well, in clear words. I always arrange the situations and the hazard to involve myself into complicated facts and confusing feelings.
This is me! What can I do?

I don’t know what tomorrow will hold, and I am not going to plan anything for it.
I know it is hard to believe it, but it is been like a month since I last wrote something on my agenda.

I feel so tired, so exhausted to think, to hope, to challenge myself, to dream, and to make those dreams come true, to solve problems, to be active, to help, to be helped, to laugh, to smile, to forget, to be forgotten, to forgive, and to be forgiven.

Today, I simply find it hard. I find it hard to be me.
I find it hard to move on, to stand up, to dream, to be dreamed of, to start from zero what I thought I would have accomplished by the end of the year.
I am so tired of being obliged to smile, to handle with people I don’t like pretending I am feeling indifferent.

I am tired of respecting those who don’t respect anyone.
I am tired of being obliged to remind that I am an individual and a free thinker.
I am tired of listening to people’s opinion about my confident choices.
I am tired of being wise, of having a mind, of selecting my friends to realize I don’t have at all.

I am tired of jealousy, lies, dishonesty, and fake.
And.. I am afraid. I am afraid of weakness because it makes me lose my strength, of self confidence because it may lead me to disappointment, of love because it may not be cured a second time.

I am afraid of facing myself those days but I know I need to
Because I promised the world to give my best before I find myself six feet in the ground, because so many people are expecting so much from me and I don’t want to disappoint, because there is someone who gave to my eyes their sparks back and I don’t want him to think I am a looser

And because I am sure I was born for a reason.