Will it hurt forever?

My mom and I are so different, in almost everything, and every day and situation we pass by makes me realize how true our difference is.

My mom has never agreed on many of my choices: from the simplest to the most crucial ones: she hates how I dress (thinking I don't give much value to myself), what I do as job, how I spend money, who I used to date and many other things that I won't bother you with.

 So next weekend, my mom is attending weedings of some relatives and as usual, she insists that I go with her, which is something I am going to do despite the pressure it represents to me. Basically, in such gatherings, people ask you the same questions again and again: what are you doing, why you gained weight, why you cut your hair, and when are you getting married.

 When we had coffee break in office, I was talking to my boss and told her about it and she gave me a very clever idea. She said: when they ask you, just say I am waiting for the prince to come on his horse. Made me laugh whole day.

 I hate this question a lot, and it is not for the same reasons other girls hate it (because they are still single) but because it takes me back to memories I don't want to remember. Memories that say why I am hiding from everybody.

 In one of the articles I read before going to bed, I discovered that my syndrom is not new to humanity (thanks God!), I wonder if there is another article available to say how to fix it. Well, in two words I became unavaible emotionnally which is something I realize but I can do nothing about it.

I lose interest in men quickly (this is in case I get any interest at the start) and I can hardly bare people when I feel that a point of view is going to be put on the table by force. I am not scared of love, I wish I was but it seems there is nothing I am able to give to be scared of it.

When you come from a culture that condams love and relationships, you can not expect people to have compassion for your pain, and one of the things I most hate in this world is when someone tells me: oh come on! it is nothing, you will be okey, people are dying of hunger else where and you make a big deal of a lost love story.

Yes, it makes me so angry, that we decide on what is painful and what is not, simply, because if it was not painful, I wouldn't have spent all these years in the darkness of a memory, and yet it is not over.

I don't mind my difference from people arround me, I don't mind my difference from my mom. I think change starts always somehere with one opinion and one person and I am so blessed to wake up everyday, find the other side of my bed empty. I breath so deep and thank God that I am not making anyone's life misearable by marrying him just to get married.
Yes, I am relieved. Noone deserves to suffer and once you taste it, my rule is: to never inflect it to others, and to never lower your expectations and accept less than what you deserve.
What do we deserve: is to be "truly" happy

Ps: My boss sarcastic advise is really good, so I will use it during the weeing party and tell you how it went, later :)


Thank you for reading 

The cost of being yourself

I have a friend who says all the time: you are a naughty, smart Aleck and bad girl but with lot of charisma and goodness. Guess what, She's so damn right! :-) I have started using a hashtag on my posts recently that was inspired by a conversation with one of my colleagues: #Because_I_am_nice #I_am_ weird The idea was to say that people nowadays meet so many rude ones who are being nice to them for benefit that they can not believe: some are nice just because this how they are, which is 100% my case. Back to my friend's comment. I think she wanted to say: you too can be pissed off but yet you find the best way to communicate what you think in total honesty, yet focusing on not being the one who hurts. Few days ago, I had to say "no" to somebody and I really didn't want him to think I have a check list of criteria to which he doesn't respond (which was part of the truth) and at the same time, I was not ready to tell him the real reason behind my "no". So I acted just like my friend described me and said: You know, I am too complicated and not that attractive, I guess you can find better. Some people think I underestimate myself (which is far away from being the case), again we only believe what we want to believe. and the world is so full of misconceptions and inflected wrong values that we never take time to understand others. We are always busy thinking they are what we think they are. So yeah, I got rid of that guy (Thanks God! I know I am rude). Technically, there is a part of truth in me saying that he deserves better. I am convinced nobody is too good for another one. There is just this question of "matching" and "feeling" and they are no longer valid for me. I belong to a very small rang of girls (particularly Arab girls) who know what they want and it is almost not tolerated in my culture (or shall I say the culture I am living in), so I tend to define my relationships and expectations from people since the very beginning, no matter what the relationship is about and in "love" (if it can still be called love)I never lie because I do not want to live a life of regret having someone's pain on my shoulders. Basically, I summarize in few sentences to everyone I meet my idea about love: that it is a one time card, and I already used it. So I can be nice and caring and may be go crazy with the person I am with, but it will never be love, just because I hold someone in my heart that I think pieces of my heart will love him forever. Two main things pissed me off with the guy that I was nicely rude to him (lol): the first is that when I expressed my vision, he judged my pains and said that people are dying of hunger, that's a real pain, not mine. Well, pains are relative and what is painful for me doesn't have to be painful for others. Again, I respect other people's feelings.As a citation says: "it is healed when you can tell the story and it doesn't make you cry", guess what: those three lines about the story already made me cry. The second thing is the confusion people have between love and sex. I don't know if it is the post effect of a lost love or the sexual reproductive health activist who I am who makes me as complicated as that, but I think frustration is everywhere, unfortunately it is the easiest way to make interesting people lose interest. Many girls around me ask for my advice and I always open the discussion to the idea of making informed choices. This is one of the principles that I don't think they are submitted to a religious or culture affair but rather to everybody's willingness to go or not for a certain number of practices. So when you try to be yourself, you are qualified of "boring", "limited" and many other names. My very common advice to my friends has always been Charlie Chaplin's citation: your naked body shall only belong to those who fall in love with your naked soul. And naked soul means: you in your normal state, in three words: you being yourself

An end is forever anyaway

I still can see the little ring in silver in my keychain in form of heart, shining like a piece of diamond. This little something that I couldn't throw away as hard as I tried. It shouldn't mean a lot to me I know. Not because I am not Worth it but probably because I asked you to offer it to me years ago, now that I remember how far in time you gave it to me, or may be because it didn't represent much of love from you when you gave it to me. Yet, in the middle of pains, I can remember what we were both wearing the day you asked me to sit next to you and took my hand to put it on my finger. There were nothing between us but I believed so strong that we had inside of us loads of feelings of love for each other, in which I wouldn't believe again no matter. Looking back, I would try not to convince myself it was all fake, just because I want to leave to my heart little of hope that may be, I lived something true. Else, dying would be a better option in this case. Trying to cultivate my insane brain with some constructive readings, I always think of this beautiful citation in spanish: " ¡Los suspiros son aire y van al aire! ¡Las lágrimas son agua y van al mar! Dime, cuando el amor se olvida ¿sabes tú adónde va? Breathes are air and go to air, tears are water and go to the sea but can you tell me when we forget love, where does it go? This would be my question to you forever beyond the end of the world. where did years of love and sacrifice of the precious pieces of my heart go, or wasn't I just Worth it? Would you believe me telling you that after love everything hurts around even what I used to love in you. Would you believe that love makes of the loving ones monsters who do not know what aim to have for the remaining years, days, hours or seconds of existence on earth? Probably, my questions wouldn't mean much. You are right. Why should they? an end is forever anyway and you just ended me the day you took my smile away. What could really have a meaning to me now, that I walk lost in the hope that things never ended. How impossible would it be for everyone who has truly loved to live an insanity again. Probably, this would be close to death for me, not because I do not want to love, not because I want to impress you, not because I want you back, but because I simply can not do so. The leftovers of my dignity tell me everyday that I should at least respect what I have always felt for you that you couldn't respect in me. When I feel the intensive darkness around, I tend to wonder what could this incredibly bad thing be that I have done to deserve such an end. Then I remember that justice and sincerity are far away from the world of mortals. I keep faith in God that probably someday for any senseless reason, I can find my way to smile again.

The only true thing in me is you

The biggest insane wish of my life was to love and be loved madly. Yet, I don’t know how realistic can wishes be. I also don’t know how probable it is to be loved back or to love back same time. On my list of contacts, not the facebook but the real one, I am mostly surrounded by people who advise what they can never do. I am so fond of them because they don’t stop teaching me good lessons to better behave. I wish if they could make their ethics work from time to time to let it guide them to the right way. Anyway, this is not our subject for today. So once, when I debated this subject with one of them, he told me: relationship is about how much you can bare the other. I don’t think this is what relationship means but this is deeper. This is what might love mean. In my heart, I hold someone and I think each day my love gets purer, bigger, and more respectful and ready for sacrifices. I quite doubt that I am loved back but honestly, the ability to love is a blessing from God and I am so thankful God gave it to me. So first, when you love, you don’t believe it. Then you start running away to see how it feels, then you feel your brain is out of control, then you start asking people around you if they think you look like someone loving. So you continue doing such idiot things for long time, just the way I did, till you realize that you had the answer since the beginning and you just couldn’t see it, too much blinded by the other and ignoring yourself and all what yourself does. Yes, it is about the small details that you forget about. It is about how calm you keep in a moment of fight, and then you forgive quickly. It is when you are mad and not talking to him, but yet you can’t stop taking care of him. It is when it should be whether you or him and you don’t think twice: it is him. It is the small loving note that you leave, or the bar of chocolate you bring to him, as foolish as it seems to be. It is when you know you can’t but for him, you feel you can. It is when your lips can’t say it but your eyes definitely do: I really care for you. It is also when you have to let it go or to simply walk away. It is when your happiness comes in second place. It is when your egoism whispers but love shouts high so that you only do good things. And above all, it is when you can admit with no shame for the good it gives you and the good you offer.

The meaning of happiness

I don’t remember much from the Spanish classes I took years ago on which I invested money, time and energy meaningfully but the feckless me could keep in memory one of the most powerful questions never asked: “are we truly free to be happy?” Along my lonely journey trying to figure out what can truly make us, humans freely happy, I’ve been through billion of words defining what I call scanty happiness. “Happiness is making people around you happy” which is true but conditioned by others; what they want and how satisfied they are with what you do for them. I have personally invested a lot on it, not because I had to but just because I truly wanted to. I went beyond my limits so many times thinking this could give a meaning to my senseless life but I was mostly confronted to dissatisfaction that put me on edge which is not among the best motivational elements for my miserable optimism. “Happiness is doing what you love and loving what you do” which is also right but limited to the things you can do meanwhile there might be plenty of others that you are unable to make that could make you happier. So these two statements are for me, few ones among the billion of conditions that can interfere between you and happiness. There are those conditions related to you, just like: lack of belief on what you want, lack of trust, lack of courage to walk forward. Others related to your environment: political, economic, geographical, social and religious barriers. For a friend of mine, happiness would be living in Australia which he can’t afford. For another one, it is having her family beside her which she can’t make because she has to study abroad. For some, it is a peaceful life away free from discrimination that society keeps inflecting to them. Indeed, happiness is so under dependency which quite foils me. Me who has been looking for ages for what could take my pure feelings higher than what they continuously, strongly and truly make the world around me feel and appreciate. Keeping hope that someday, somewhere with someone I will finally taste this happiness, I keep on drawing a discrete smile on my lips with unexpected moments of happiness met fortuitously to insert in my heart an eternal memory of joy

Do not ask me (1)

I knew it was going to be something new, something unbelievable; something that billion of people would give their all to have it just once in a life time. I knew it was going to be my so wanted occasion to give, to give truly, to give from my heart. I knew it was going to be the first time that I feel unable to answer questions addressed to myself. I knew it was not going to remain there forever. I knew it had an expiry date. I knew it would never be as I want it to be. I knew what I would have loved not to know. I knew it would make me miserable someday, break my world and build it again with a mediocre word or a feelingless look. I knew all of that, but I knew that I wanted it more than any precious thing in my life. And now, that I know it has to go away I know that I have given for the first time with every inch of me and said bullshits that no matter how silly or childish they seemed, they were just so true.

Home is where your heart is

Do you know how it feels when you challenge yourself with something in which you put all the remaining efforts that your body still have to achieve it then when you are about to give up, it comes true? That’s just how I found myself in the US. The hot and humid weather of DC combined to my loneliness in the first couple of days was a good argument for me to stick at one place and get back to one of my favorite activities that my office work was preventing me from doing it: monologue. Running everywhere in the conference next to spending some cool time with few friends over there were kind of break to my so confusing monologs. Yet, I could be taken away by my thinking from time to time on the table while taking diner or while crossing a long street. This tornado of mixed feelings maintains my mind far away from the realities of my world. A world that I am taking its days the way they come just like if tomorrow could be my last breath. Before my trip came to its end, I set already the lessons learnt from it. It is not my humble ordinary IQ which is getting higher, no, but just surprising myself by boosting my senses to see the important facts before it will be too late. In Algeria, freedom, the one that women from an Arab state would talk about is already affirmed in my case. That’s why I feel like fighting for a freedom that could be too much upgraded from what they are fighting for. Curiously, in DC I could have this talk with someone who just understood what I meant by this so repeated word: “home”. Yet, to meet what I am looking for, there was a real need to define it. I do admit that trips helped me a lot. Whenever I am far away, I know that I don’t want to go back, that having my two loved people who I left behind in Algeria will fix my mood no matter where I am. Then between the two extreme flagging feelings of the first couple of days that I spent alone desiring to get back to Algeria soon and the last ones that I wished if they could be slowed down was laying the answer to all my questions. Home is where your heart is and unfortunately I still can’t say much about mine. Nor it is here, neither it is there. It is such a confusing feeling when you know you shouldn’t be there, but you just can’t find this pencil to draw a way to your home. You realize at this point that the challenge is lunched again. This time to seek the freedom of empowerment, space, thinking and above all living peacefully a true feeling of your heart.

To whom it may concern

“I am a citizen of the world”. What a great sentence, but unfortunately buried with Socrates the same day. Few days ago, in a chat I was having with someone about the great Algeria and its diversity, an unexpected speech came in the middle to reverse the entire balance I was pretending to use to survive with strange people in this land. This sentence was: “ you are dam stupid, you are from the countryside”. At this moment, I felt like replying back. I wasn’t mad. I even smiled. There is a word I am using a lot these days –mercy-. Yes, I have mercy for all these people. I have for them some words that I really feel like sharing. ............. Dearest civilized................. "Yes, I came to this land from somewhere, that you consider as nowhere. I arrived at a very young age. I had no parents beside of me. I have very few memories about my childhood. All of them are bad. I had no one to brush my hair for me to go to school. I always went in a tragic style wearing purple with green. There are days in which I slept with the school blouse to wake up and go with it in the morning.If only you thank God for the tenderness you have from your family. For breaks, I used to eat half carrot. There was no one to get me from the bakery the sweet things that children eat. When the soap that mom sends me end, I used to shower with dishes powder. Crazy, right? But it is true. I had no one to take me or bring me from school and I studied alone. When the lights are switched off, I used to revise in silence under my cover and try to recapitulate my lessons for tomorrow’s class. I have never had friends. Well, nothing changed even now. I cried so much. I cried because my so beloved mom was away from me and I could see her very few. I cried because I never knew how it feels to call someone “dad”. I cried because when I was beat there was no one to save me and take me into his warming arms. My favorite game was building houses with clay. May be because somehow, this was and remains my most precious wish. I had always dirty hands. Many of my loved ones forgot me then died while I was away. Yes! this is how it feels when we come from this somewhere that you call nowhere. This is half of my reality because the other half is who I am by now. So while nothing was beside, I educated myself, I learnt a lot, acquired values, improved myself and reached the true feeling of empowerment and esteem. I knew how to have visions, dignity and principles and how to defend them. I learnt how to love truly without expecting anything in return. I learnt how to defeat the world with my shining eyes even if I feel alone. but curiously, no one of you can be compared to me by now?! I guess, you regret that you don't come from the same somewhere I come from, that you still call nowehre I came from a small poor land and I’m just thankful to God because this is just what made me strong enough to face today and tomorrow with determination and alone all what life is preparing for me. What lighten the sparks inside of me is surely something you would never know. That's why you are not. and that's why I am. Dearest civilized, remember: life is attitude, and this what you will never have :) by Z.B

The man behind my smile

I don’t know what does death look like to for dead people but for the remaining ones I know it is a piece of what most counts for you that goes forever. Once it happens, you will have to do the same things every day with someone missing inside of this imaginary frame that your mind sticks with and make you suffer. At the end, in best cases you forget with time or you keep crying inside for the remaining years of your life. I believe in love much more than what love itself represents. Love meant in my words isn’t what you see in movies or in the boring stories that most people ended up saying: “what a fake!” whenever they meet one. I mean this love of idealizing someone in your life and put it on the top of your examples just under your religion and values. In my life, I have always had a spring refreshing my winter heart with doses of inspiration and tenderness. This feeling that I kept meeting and loosing with death replaced at some point my dad’s absence which is not necessary something I think about but yet it is something that left inside of me the need to have set a “why “ for my smile. I am not sure of how men should be loved. However, the way I do it makes me even wonder if love isn’t actually under what I could feel when this spring comes and lighten my winter. How many of us know that the true relief lies in those moments where we realize how precious a person for us is. Then, it would definitely lie in each single beating of the heart whenever we know she’s so close or she smiled because we’ve done what made her smile. Love would be love if those we love could see it in the discretion of our smiles, deepness of our eyes but also the imperfection of our acts to remain their eternal servants. This is just how I love the man behind my smile…

My 2011

2011… was a year and again it wasn’t like any other year.
2011 taught me a lot and made of me a better human being.
It taught me how to defend my rights when they were raped. Then once I realized how precious my freedom was, I gave the double to defend people’s right around me.
2011 broke my loneliness. It offered me a decent job in the best fields ever. It valuated my potential and opened to me the doors to learn more and be a better person.
It also showed me how precious and few are people who truly love. That love doesn’t know geographical frontiers, rules or limits and means to put your loved ones happiness above yours. I deeply thank those who offered me this feeling, dedicated to me from their time and made of me more than an option in their world.
Right! 2011 reminded me at each step I undertook how hard things can be without my dad around but at the same time brightened my days with the presence of an incredible person who made me feel daily happiness, a person who made me smile in the middle of tears. This is how I realized that fathers aren’t just those who bring us to the world but those who support us and love us no matter who we are instead of running away.
This year took from me irreplaceable persons just like my grandfa who passed away and put on my way people for benefit, people who wanted to reach their goals for which I was a method to that, but I don’t regret it anyways, because what didn’t kill me, made me stronger and I am unfortunately for them still alive. I am alive and I know that it wasn’t the end, that many new ones will enter my life for the same reasons and target the same goals but this time I know how to deal with things by being who I am.
2011 involved people who I thought took what was mine not because they wanted it but just because it is part of their realization to acquire what others values. Looking back now, I know that they didn’t take it from me. Simply it wasn’t mine, and if I didn’t fight for it then it wasn’t as important as I thought it was. I learnt that sometimes it is better to let it go… with a smile.
This year gave me challenges and leadership roles in which I gave my best. And ready to double it next year.
In 2011, decisions became mine. I knew that sometimes, should matter only what we think of ourselves. That’s why I had short hair, became too slim then too fat, I ate vegetables, went to important meetings with jeans without giving any consideration to what each one wants to say about my personal choices that don’t affect anyone else except my person.
2011 showed me the difference between ego and self-esteem, strengthened my believes, my conscience and respect but made me understand that it was probably time for me to start to base my happiness on myself, care for it and do for it what will make it do more for others.

I am an activist and I am making it happen

I am one of the 7 billion hopes on earth. A drop in a huge diversity of men, women, children and youth who need us to smile at them, care for, defend, help, assist and simply accept them the way they are.

34 million of those people are living with HIV. If you look at them then look at yourself in the mirror you will notice that they are just like anyone of us; but unfortunately they miss this feeling, the feeling of belonging. They suffer from discrimination in some places. They don’t have access to services in others and feel unsafe because so numerous are those who marginalize them.

… But no worries, we are numerous too, to stand for People living with HIV… for a world of equality and human kind fulfillment.
I am one of those who responded yes to the fight against HIV/Aids. I am an activist and I am making it happen because I believe, I am one of the 7 billion who care for the world around them.

Since I took the step toward the Aids response, I started to feel positive too, not with a virus but with raised arms for this category that lives a daily fight to survive. I started firstly by joining the prevention field among youth where I could get familiar with peer education and proximity work.

Then I felt that those 7000 new infected daily need more efforts from me and in here, I gathered my courage and good willing to start the field work. Together with my peers, we leaded campaigns; we targeted all key populations in each corner of each city that we could have access to. We worked on education and information as well as behavior change, communication, advocacy, resources mobilization, involvement of more stakeholders and support to people living with HIV by defending their rights to have a decent life and by being present for them as much as we can.

In all what I have undertaken and what I gave, I have to entire conviction that I was given much more in return. I have been given determination and more desire to achieve all the goals and to see someday Zero new infections, zero deaths and zero discrimination becoming a reality with all the UNAIDS agencies in holidays and the red Ruben reversed because we would have all together defeated this epidemic.

Today, I strongly believe that being a humanitarian isn’t a service that we do. It is simply a must and a duty that highlight the best of what we have inside of us.
I feel alive and determined to continue and realize more because of those men and women who set to me challenges to achieve that I hope we stand for all together as real agents of change and make of this world of 7 billion people, a world of 7 billion responsible, sensitized activists who grow in an enlightened present and promising future.

The missing part of me

7H30 am. A lazy wake up. I was already late for work, but yet when I opened my eyes, I didn’t feel like going in a rush. I probably wanted to sit with the scenes of my last night dream.

In my dream, I had a brother and my daddy called me to remind me that I had to do something I still didn’t do. I thought for a second that it could be the sweetest thing happening to me in the middle of impurity and constant maliciousness that you can hardly prevent. Feeling the presence of someone I could truly love but more important: who would truly love me for who I am and place my happiness and good being before his ego.

I have grown differently from others. I have grown with my own vision about the world around me. I have done it with my own values, values that may not be always the right ones or the best, but values that I follow, no matter what the situation is. Probably because somehow it matters more to get the best of the smiles that our conscience make us draw on people’s faces.

I have grown weakly strong, and I knew how to balance it between the innocent smile and the determined look. Yeah! I am one of those who have to see a start in each step and to analyze, think, structure, act then assume bravely.... I have to do that alone because someday, someone who I wished could stay beside me, left and left forever.
At some extend, this is the best of all loses that I could actually imagine. Many people try to convince me that I will just move on and a better feeling will knock ma door. Honestly, it is not ma first concern as I like to remind myself about it whenever I feel like crying something superficial or stupid that happens to me.

Today, I realize that there is a missing part of me, a part that had gone, a part that I can’t replace but just deal with. However, in this deal I learnt how to reflect it positively in my relations with others and yes! I do not matter as long as those who are around will remember me with the best of the thoughts.

I have met people…

I have met people…
I have met people whose worry is how many plates they will eat per day. Full bellies are essential
I have met people whose worry is how much they gain at the end of the month by making others work for them. Illegal Benefit is a testimony of cleverness.
I have met people whose worry is how to do to wake up early to have enough time to spend it in front of the mirror. Appearance matters.
I have met people who have equations in their lives with one variable: themselves. There is ego and then all the rest.
I have met people who want wealth, beauty, and fame at once. Perfection exists.
I have met people who make others pay for their mistakes. Making guilty justifies the failure.
I have met people who when they believe in something they spend three quarter of their life convincing you that impossible is nothing but when it’s your turn to have your believes, they would stand telling you nothing is possible. All opinions are governed by one mind.
I have met people who are in online mode when they are in need, and then once it’s done, they turn to offline. In “Friends for benefit” there’s still the word “friend”.
I have met people who think that when they harm you they succeed their goals. Jealousy is the first key of success ;)
Then I have met people who spend their time trying to block the process of life while life is going on. To grow, stop the growth of others.
If you are having a hard life because you do not share such invaluable values then BE HAPPY!
Your matter is not before and isn’t in. it’s for after…
Because only matters what God thinks

You!

1st October.
What a crazy world ! it’s my dad’s birthday and guess what reminded it to me.
Yeah! It’s the fake facebook page that I created a year ago for him that notified me about it.
My dad is 49 today. He has for sure white hair by now and some lovely creatures playing with it….and I can only be so glad for him.
This was my first concession on planet earth. Probably the hardest thing in life that I am quite convinced of its goods by now. This is how I answered the question: “could we love someone more than ourselves?” By a YES!
One of the most precious things that God have gifted me beside my smiley face is this weird feeling that happiness is felt when your loved ones are happy. I was trying all the time to do it, but I was faced by failure so many times. From here, I stopped to understand what was wrong with me and I learnt something new.
When you care for someone, it isn’t always right to be beside him, his life goes on without you. Life might go better without you. In this case, if you truly care, let it go.
By now, I bet very few people really see what the moral of life is. Very few are those who wouldn’t care about how much they gain, what will they take for diner, how much do the colors of their clothing match, how perfect is the person they are with, and how many selfish achievement will they make running away from death and hoping their lives gets longer. But once you do it, you will understand that you might be happy without making your own “you” happy.

Ps: I miss you all

11 PM. Frankfurt Airport.
Plane missed, while waiting for the next flight planned 8 hours later, I sat on the floor in an empty transit space. There was nothing or should I say “no one” around. I switched on my laptop and put the song of (let me go home).
Mostly, when I travel and listen to it, I love to go back to my country. I start missing my mum’s smile, my closest friends, and even the dirty streets of the old Casbah in Algiers.

Unfortunately, it didn’t work for me this time. In couple of seconds, I found my tears coming down like if I was facing the end of the world then I had two extreme and opposite feelings. I was firstly relieved because I could finally “cry” since during all the goodbye moments, I couldn’t feel it and it stressed me out to think for a second that my sensitivity is not reacting. Then I started to feel terrible. The 6 days training of Beirut were over. The mates with whom I spent an incredible week full of diversity, learning, share, exchange, support, jokes and love were no longer beside me.

You’d tell me that in couple of days, these feelings will calm down. It might be true and that’s why I am translating now to tell to these nice, crazy, sweet, helpful, caring, loving and special people my heart’s beatings for their superb friendship that I will hold inside me for sure longer than the week we spent together.

Honor is what you can not have.

Sometimes, when nothing goes well around me, I sit alone to remind myself how lucky I am to feel better as soon as I remember God.
Few days ago, before going through an expected hard situation I posted on my statue a message that translated my deepest believes of today.
I have one alliance: myself and one supporter: God and it is much more than enough to succeed.
I believe in God, and If I didn’t I would have for sure been more miserable than this.
I believe in fate, in humanity, in wealth, in Allah’s tests to see how resistant and strong we are.
I believe also in all what he has made of his humans. I know that we commit mistakes because if we didn’t, he would have replaced us by other humans who will do that.
I know also that we tend to do great things to gain his love, or to gain other people’s love.
In this same context, we do also act in devilish ways that do not leave a complete negative impact.
Sometimes, it is from the injuries caused to us by others that starts the real joy of our lives. So who is the loser?
I have talked in my previous articles about jealousy. I myself have this feeling that I do manage on my own way or may be, I do use inside of me in order to get what I want legally
I do not consider myself as the most intelligent or beautiful girl in this universe but yet, I am surrounded by some kinds of undesired creatures that I wish God will keep away from me. Since couple of years, I start to feel annoyed by people’s jealousy which is complicating my life for no reason.
I personally have never been against doing bad things to achieve personal goals even though it is not my value in this short and endless life.
However, what astonishes me is when it is done stupidly.
What I mean is that when we want to cause pains to anyone we should make sure that the three conditions are united:
Our action won’t bereturned against us
We will reach a long term goal where the other person will be completely affected and will probably have no way to stand up and face us again.
And the most important: we won’t appear without values and lose our honor in people’s eyes.
So if one of them is not achieved, you will only consolidate your enemy’s position and give him enough strength to fight more and more.
What was done to me hurt me deeply. I do not deny it. I am human after all.
But seeing these people with no dignity and no honor and realizing that they couldn’t hurt me enough to break my entire moral health makes me and makes the entire society see them so small with a meaningless existence.
This pain is for sure a beginning of a new challenge in my life and more success that will be my way to respond to you.
Till I make it come true, I wish them a nice time inside their dishonor and mediocrity.

What really matters

A long lazy Friday came to its end. It’s been a week that I am suffering from a terrible headache that reduces my ability to concentrate with the world around me.
My grandfather’s death is affecting my moral health. My heart is losing his loved ones one by one making the future really scary for me.
I have to admit that I am tired and all the methods I am using do not help me to cheer up even though my motivation has always been bigger than my losses.
I have my own vision about love, and I guess each one does too. Between both of them, matters only what we succeed in completing, the smiles we draw, the dignities we respect, the eyes we make brighten, the souls we touch and the modesty we show to put people’s happiness before ours.
When my dad left, my mom used to take me often for shopping to “bring me up”. My wardrobe is full but still I am not cheerful. Then when my love left, my so called friends took me for diner in a very nice restaurant where they got kind of busy admiring some boys. I was not hungry when we left but I wasn’t up either.
I’ve heard so many people saying that money makes happiness. In this context, I do wonder what wealth, care and attention make then.
I do not know if it is my vision which is different once again. My closest friend already tried to explain to me that feelings will never be enough to succeed because we are conditioned with our social environment that I am sure will end up accepting me or isolating me forever.

On the land of others.

I am back to this land to which I have always thought I belong too. I am back to my illusion with an eye full of reality.
I don’t know if this is a new habit that I am gaining but it seems that I never miss visiting the hospital for couple of days during the month of April of each year.
This time, I was in the middle of nowhere, in the land of Malian people who I truly thank for their care and sense of hospitality.

These two nights spent on a bed, alone, far from what people call “home” my feeling was basically stifled by physical pain that I didn’t take long time to realize I was the only one to seriously consider.

April 2011 was quite different from the previous one. I remembered God, I prayed, but I didn’t have a single thought of humans around me. I guess, I just learnt my lessons and understood that only matters how much you care for others, despite their egoism that will absolutely lead them to nothing.

During long years, I thought that I was one of those who could leave their print into people’s hearts.

I thought I was lovable and above all: one of those who deserve to be treated as human beings should be, in such bad and difficult moments.
My mom has always told me that it’s during the hard times that we know our real value into people’s lives.

I don’t deny being really stressed out when I was sick in Bamako. I was really afraid that the ones I thought do care for me, will not.
Fortunately for some hopes and unfortunately for others, I had a kind of deep thought when I started to feel better and my mind regained its ability after taking doubled doses of medicines.

I have the total conviction today that each step with people should be counted in advance in matter of subjects I already bothered you with for so many times in my previous posts: trust, confidence, love…etc.

I am somehow disappointed for not being able to attend the whole sessions of the summit that was the main aim of my trip. I have some feelings of guilt, and sadness especially toward my mom and my boss who I really wanted to make quite prouder about me than what they are.

At the end, April 2011 is one more experience in the agenda of my stories with this incredible land that follows me wherever I go with each endless lessons about values that I sincerely hope some will acquire them someday.
Thank you for reading.

Emptiness

“ There are people who have their place in our hearts because they decided so, those who got it in our lives because God decided so, for all the rest; there is no place nor in the first, neither in the second because we decided so “

It took me long time, efforts, and probably more than tears, pains, disappointment and lose to finally realize and yet I am not sure I really do understand that it is time for me to move on.
May be I don’t really need to move on, but to set to myself another goal, not specifically in the same field. This would be absolutely impossible but to succeed in something different that would not necessary cure my moral pains but give me some strength to stand up again.
I’ve thought that what hurts in love was to see the one you are dying for, going away.
When my dad left, I was totally convinced that his departure was the hardest feeling that I would never have, but I was wrong. I could dare it.
People do suffer ignorance, and handle hardly the fact of being left for no logical reason, in my case for being good, and there are cases worse than that: Just because simply they do want to start a new life in which we don’t have the right to take part. I think that this would be the worst one followed by making fun, reaching an expiry date in any kind of relationship in the “hearts” of those who we name “men and women” of our lives.
I’ve been trusting a lot but also betrayed so many times, and each time I found a reason to get back to trust again.
However, I have a strong feeling this time that I don’t want to do it anymore. Doubts do fill my thoughts even though I keep being the same one with everyone around me by doing whatever I can for them.
Today, I have hopes, very few right, but existing and the most precious wish I hold inside of me is to see people promising what they can keep, or may be less, and keeping it after that. I guess, it isn’t only a principal of respect toward others but toward oneself first, and this is the most important value making the difference between human beings and creatures pretending to be so.

PS: I love you

Rains and cold have covered the emotions of my day.
From the window, I never have the same view, but from my thoughts, I assure you that I always do.

And when the four seasons went and came, when the sun shined above all people’s hearts; I realized that while love was considered as not enough for some people, yours would have overflowed my soul if you didn’t take your hand away from mine.

The words of the entire kingdom of sensitivity, the poems, the legendary love stories combined to my coward letters that I could never gave to you, aren’t enough to tell you how much happiness I wish you with what you have chosen.

I am sorry because all I could do was to love you and I guess love wasn’t enough for you.
Promise me, from this furthest land in which you are, to be happier than what I wanted to make you.

Promise me to smile and keep it on your lips for a while.
Promise me to make your eyes shine again …I am sure that your feelings are plain, this is just how you can gain…

Promise me to work hard to succeed, and tend your hand to others when you need …to be helped..
Promise me not to throw our dreams away and make them come true, someday.
Promise me to give without counting, as I have done with you.
Promise me to forget about me soon and fill the space with more alive memories of your future.

Promise me that when loneliness involves my buried heart, when the whole world will ignore the pure words coming straight from my eyes, you will be there to read proudly my last lines with care and strongly believe that despite my clumsiness I loved you in time when love was considered as not enough for some people to which you belong.