Appologies

A windy day, a long and surprising one.
It is 6PM and I feel like if I have lived a century in 24hours.
Nothing is the same. It seems like if my whole life changed in a couple of days, and I recognize myself only in photos.
I am lost, definitely, I am.

I, physically, emotionally, and psychologically don’t feel good.
This is the first time, I felt like being seriously alone. I don’t want anyone to talk to me and I don’t want to fill my head with bullshits,

I hate 2010 as much as I loved 2009 which was the most beautiful year in my whole shitty existence.
2009 was a total success for me with my studies at college. I used to have busy evenings with the great atmosphere of the Spanish classes. The cooking courses of the weekend were amazing.

The concerts I attended with friends, the trips I had, the new people I met and loved and the causes I strongly defended were a source of happiness for me. Yeah! They were…
2010, by the end of its second month took everything.

We have just started studying at university. My final project isn’t going well. I am no longer taking the cooking courses since the teacher left. I cleaned my list of friends to realize I had an empty one and I finished falling in love with someone who, the geographical, cultural and financial conditions take him away from me.

I am tired. I am exhausted. This feeling is just so terrible. It is awful to know that the only solution that is left is to start all over again, all over again alone..
Today, I hate the 99,99 per 100 of what is around me. I just started to understand what does the expiry date mean?

I understand the world, in the midst of disasters. I hate my house, my room, my neighborhood, my school, my teachers, the boss of my university, the traffic jump, the busses, the inexistent metro, the Algerian airlines, the football play, the horrible weather, the morning call of my alarm clock to start another boring and disappointing day, the Algerian administrations, the empty count I have, the miles that separate me today from my loved one, and every single thing that takes daily, my smile from my lips.

I understand that not everything I believed in was true. That so many words are called empty words.
Money makes happiness, but even the happiness comes to an end.

All what a human being promises is an absolute fake and you are probably a dammed one if you believe in what your logical spirit can’t see.
I am not sure of feeling better during the coming days. I am not sure of finding the right balance to make my heart; my mind and my soul forgive me for all what I inflected to them this year with this strong weapon called over confidence.
And I am sorry.. I am sorry for discovering what the world really is.

Upon pillars of sands...

I have spent long time thinking about the right words to start this article with, and honestly I needed to collect all the energy of my fingers to put on this sheet of e-paper some of the words I am having in my mind, or may be in heart.

2010 is tiring me. It is making of me a piece of nothing on this earth. In clear words, I am trying to be happy with all the strength I got, but it isn’t working.
This is what I call: to lose something you can’t replace: “faith in your smart attitude”.

I lost my smile and my joy. I am unable to fix myself and I will take no pleasure if someone tries –pretending- to help, to fix me.

I am losing, this is sure. There for, I won’t hide it behind a cheerful smile that stupid and dam people use to bring themselves up.

For most of my plans, it was the end and for the rest it is the beginning of an expected end that I am waiting for in my own way.

I am exhausted and I am losing all the pleasures of life. I don’t study, I don’t go to the cooking courses, I don’t go out with people, an what is worse, I am not playing sport.

I am not understanding the world.. No I am not.. but I do understand myself.
And I am fed up.. Fed up with everything.. I am fed up..with a dumb smile.
I am not sure whether discovering the truth is really what people look for when they investigate their choices, but I am quite convinced they do try to hide their deceptions with some annoying words that I always hear from my friends but which sincerely don’t change the mood I am in.

Accepting oneself with the success and the failure that he might have is the best thing to do. By the way, this what I do.
I realized that there was no need to lie on myself. What is done is done and so is what is lost. But the most important is to have this ability to start all over again.
Starting all over again….it seems so easy but it is terrible to change all what you have done and planned.

To change your major, your hobbies, your life style, your addictions, your friends who weren’t really friends, the chocolate you put on your cup of milk or the kind of tea you drink.

The languages you want to learn, the country you want to live in. the person you want to be with when you aren’t feeling good. The agenda you have been sticking on your wall for long months waiting for the day to make it come true. The color you wear. The hair style you have. The music you listen to. The things you believe in and may be much more…

This how my life looks like those days.. I know it isn’t the greatest one that the good thinker I am would have loved to have but anyhow.. sometimes the world stands upon pillars of sands that you can whether consolidate or build again.

I am trying..

I am trying.
I am trying to breath, to sleep, to smile, and eat.

I am trying to get back to my daily habits. Habits that I don’t know how I lost.

I am trying to fix myself because I know it is not going to fix me, and no one else will do.

I am trying to believe in something new after discovering that all my life has been a lie.

I am trying to find myself after I realized everything is lost.

I am trying to talk even when words don’t have any intelligent meaning.

I am trying to cheer up when I look into the mirror, may be this one looking back at me will do the same.

I am trying to be what I am supposed to be.

I am trying to forget what I had to keep away from my feelings since the beginning.

I am trying to forgive what I allowed others to cause me.

I am trying to handle with what I am not supposed to face.

I am trying to restart when there is no a beginning.

I am trying to dream when there are no dreams left.

I am trying and I hope to succeed, even if success isn’t what I need.

I am trying because trying keeps people’s heart beating and because trying is the only way to live.

My father, my lover and my heart

I am not sure I know what does a father love mean, and I doubt also that my small innocent heart has already lived the true feeling of a passionate love.
I have never been sure of anything. This is what the law of probability says and I am not against my logical spirit.
Between my lover and my father, my heart is still confused but I am not trying to fix its feelings anyhow.
I already know what I want and it is enough. I strongly believe that what we should look for isn’t what we need, but what we badly desire.
For these reasons, and for others, I decided to dedicate to each one an exact number of the beatings of my heart.
My father is this superb and wonderful one who brought me to this life. Many people, who knew him, think that I have his shitty character but I don’t care about their opinion. I am proud of it.
I have his curly hair( well, I can make it straight also) and I really love it. I live on my own planet, I like to build, unfortunately not houses as he did, but plans and beauties, and all of this is because I am a part of him.
However, today, he is a memory of my past.
A past that for sure, I am not planning to forget.
A past that no longer affects the strong woman I pretend I am.
A past that I remember with a big pure smile.
And it is also the past that created my present and will lead to my future.
This present I am sharing it with a great man who I deeply thank for all the beautiful feelings I discovered since I welcomed him to my life.
I am not sure whether this present will last or not but I am happy anyhow
For all the laughs, for all the care he gives me.
For all the promises he made and strongly kept.
For his wisdom, which I think is necessary to handle a life with such a crazy girl friend like me.
For his smile that makes me smile.
For his presence and his purity.
For his coming sacrifices that I will reward.
For not judging me with my hair color, my origins, my nationality, my life style and my aims in life, just like many people, who I truly loved, did.
And simply for being a part of my world.. I would like to say: thank you…

In this equation, nothing was chosen but everything was a confident decision that my mind has made.
My heart, as much as my mind, is satisfied because whenever I am alone, I am an individual who lives his choices deeply without anyone’s help or opposition, and this is according to me, the perfect balance that a human being needs to be himself.

Thank you for reading.

I am..........

At this period of the year, most of my school mates are in front of their laptops typing some chapters for the final project. It is what I am supposed to be doing too. But curiously, my feelings needed to draw some lines on a sheet of paper, not to empty my heart but to remove this heavy pressure on my head.

Since I came back from Istanbul I am not feeling good. And I honestly, don’t find the reason of this sadness that makes my daily life a bit hard, lazy and full of disconnection from what I used to do.

I gave up some courses; my studies aren’t going well because of some intern problems.
I am realizing that most of the time, from happiness we can create bigger elements of sadness.

After spending a great week in Istanbul, I came back crying, missing the city of my dreams.
After starting to date this crazy funny and sweet guy thinking that I am not going to get attached, I found myself crying his absence whenever he flies for work.
Well, in clear words. I always arrange the situations and the hazard to involve myself into complicated facts and confusing feelings.
This is me! What can I do?

I don’t know what tomorrow will hold, and I am not going to plan anything for it.
I know it is hard to believe it, but it is been like a month since I last wrote something on my agenda.

I feel so tired, so exhausted to think, to hope, to challenge myself, to dream, and to make those dreams come true, to solve problems, to be active, to help, to be helped, to laugh, to smile, to forget, to be forgotten, to forgive, and to be forgiven.

Today, I simply find it hard. I find it hard to be me.
I find it hard to move on, to stand up, to dream, to be dreamed of, to start from zero what I thought I would have accomplished by the end of the year.
I am so tired of being obliged to smile, to handle with people I don’t like pretending I am feeling indifferent.

I am tired of respecting those who don’t respect anyone.
I am tired of being obliged to remind that I am an individual and a free thinker.
I am tired of listening to people’s opinion about my confident choices.
I am tired of being wise, of having a mind, of selecting my friends to realize I don’t have at all.

I am tired of jealousy, lies, dishonesty, and fake.
And.. I am afraid. I am afraid of weakness because it makes me lose my strength, of self confidence because it may lead me to disappointment, of love because it may not be cured a second time.

I am afraid of facing myself those days but I know I need to
Because I promised the world to give my best before I find myself six feet in the ground, because so many people are expecting so much from me and I don’t want to disappoint, because there is someone who gave to my eyes their sparks back and I don’t want him to think I am a looser

And because I am sure I was born for a reason.

Silent words.

Feelings of the heart.
Days are going and I still not feeling ready to stand up again.
It seems that the last events affected me more than what I have expected them to do.
2009 was this for me:
The accident of my uncle that left him half blinded.
The sickness of my grand father who is now unable to do anything alone.
My trip to France that turned to be a total disaster for my career.
The death of some of my relatives.
It was also: discovering the real face of my “best” friends.
It was: learning to live alone and to do every single thing by myself.
It was: discovering my limits, my capacities, my weaknesses, my wishes, the only person on this planet really loving me and caring for me.
It was also realizing that we can’t get from life all what except.
It was knowing that the decisions aren’t always mines, but when they are I have to take them and go to the end of my choices.
The first love is a total fake in our existence. It’s like a covered sky. You never know what is waiting for you on its other side but that you continue flying above it till you see with your own eyes that the best thing to do is to go back from where you have come.
Unfortunately, flog is always so heavy that covers the brightened way you draw with your feelings at the beginning of the battle.

2009 was also:
The intermediate certificate of Spanish.
My success at college.
My meeting with the great Indian lady who received me in Paris.
Getting closer to my mother.
Changing my hair cut.. HEHEHE. I don’t know if it counts.

Everything in life comes and goes. Happiness exists as long as you live it. What you can’t bring to yourself, no one will bring it to you.
No matter how successful is your life, there is always a fail somewhere which isn’t made to destroy your career but to remind you that you have always to work harder.
Love has no rules, be sure that as much as you love and care for someone, there is for sure someone else somewhere in this world who truly loves you and deserves your feelings.
Experiences are quit hard to forget, sometimes even impossible to erase but time is always here to cure all your pains. The only enigma is how long will it take?
Freedom, following the philosophy, isn’t total. There are always some elements above your powers to stand against you; no matter how hard you try. Destiny is one of them.

If you commit a mistake and you can’t correct it, then just don’t spend your life regretting it.
It has no sense.
I sincerely hope that the coming year will bring more beautiful things to my life and to everyone’s life all over the world.

Thank you for reading.

Number one..

I believe that there is one universe created by one God who is Allah. It has one moon, one sun and one solar system in which one planet human beings can live on.
We people have one father and one mother; we have one life on this planet. We have one mind, one mouth and one heart all in one body.
True love comes once in a life time. We all love to be the number one.
We also love to succeed from the first attempt.
We all dream and hope and when we fail we learn from the first mistake.
We will all die once and till death knock our doors, we curry on our daily tasks divided into two groups: the ones who dream and the ones who get what the others dream of.

We love billion of people who get inside and out of our lives leaving or taking their marks with them but there is only one who is planted deep in it forever: the first love.
Number one: this number that changed my vision to things around me.

Sometimes it draws a hope and in others it takes my smile. Between the happy and hard moments I remember my first steps, my first words with my dad, my first smile with my shining eyes, my first challenge, my first success, my first best friend that I am back to meet these days, the first beating of my heart, the first deceptions, the first time a teacher slapped me, the first time I cried for someone, the first time I had a tea talk, and first times are too numerous.

I don’t know what will tomorrow bring for me, I don’t know if I will be doing something new for the first time but I am quit convinced that each smile is made with our efforts, and new things come within work and beliefs.