The realities of my moral pain (1)

My grand mother
On my way to find the true reasons of my moral pain that is taking the shit out of me, and in continuation of my articles “this life of mine”, I judged necessary for myself and the few ones who care for me to talk about what plays a huge role in hurting my smile daily.
I remember the first article i published about my grandmother few months ago, and I remember also that I adopted a funny style in writing it for my Spanish classes.
From that time till now, many things changed in my grand mom’s attitude but unfortunately not to the best.
In the Algerian culture; there is a proverb that I absolutely don’t believe in, which says: more precious than the son, is the son of the son.
It means that the grandson is supposed to be loved by his grandparents much more than his dad or mom.
To some extends, this is true! My grandparents do love their grandsons as much as they hate me, and I might seem mad if I tell you that it doesn’t surprise me because I am a real individual who doesn’t fake a smile to get benefit and this is the real difference between me and the others.
Even though my situation seems to some of my friends a simple one, for me, it doesn’t.
I just spent three days on this article and I am still not done with it. Whenever I remember something to post, I feel terribly bad that I stop directly writing.
Many words would join each other to describe her behavior: jalousy, madness, love of control, lack of interest from her sons and daughters.
I don’t know which one is exactly the right feeling that she is using against me but I am quite convinced that what she does isn’t for my benefit.
I realized recently that I am losing the smallest rights that you all live with and don’t even think of because they are too obvious.
I can’t take showers whenever I want, she thinks I am exaggerating with water and I have to pay the bills.
I never use the phone but I have to pay their communications just because I need an active landline to maintain my connection working.
When I decide to cook, I have no right to use the vegetables at home. I need to go to get myself what I need and above all, no one eats except me and my mom.
She insults me because I used to be a university student. Studies are for men only!

When we are eating all together and she doesn’t like something in her plate, she takes it and throw it into mine..This makes me sick, and what makes me feel worse is to remember that she was the one behind the incident that happened to me last march; an incident that changed my whole life and made of me a real bad person following my own judgment.
Remembering these events affect my mind a lot. I am sincerely feeling terribly bad day by day and being surrounded by people like her doesn’t help me to fix myself.
The 10th week of my moral pain, and I am sure that this free fall will last for quite long time. I am disgusted of the whole of the world and sincerely nothing and no one can draw a smile on lips for the present moment.
I hope that God, the biggest and the only one present for all his creatures will be beside me and won’t leave me alone.

This life of mine (1)

In front of my computer, sitting with a song, absolutely bored, and pissed off with this empty life I am having since my graduation, i remembered the Algerian proverb saying: getting attached to something is so easy but getting rid of it is something we can’t stand.
It seems that I got used to what I most hate in this life: the feeling of total conviction that I am living alone.
I decided to start a new series of articles in which I am planning to talk about my vision to my own life. I am not sure of the result of what I will come up with but anyhow, I know you will share me your feedback in all cases…
I am finally indifferent toward my moral pain that lasted for more than 2 months. Even though I am not feeling good, I am making big efforts to fake a smile in order not to annoy my so called friends and people surrounding me in this daily life.
I adopted a very strange strategy to reach this point.
I imagined the worst ends of the few good things left in my life “sorry, if my words seem too depressive, I just can’t help it” and then I convinced myself that my wishes might not come true.
I bet I was right, as things aren’t always the way you expect them to be.
I have the feeling that everything is so superficial around me, that I believed in unreal things and promises, that my life isn’t what I expected it to be, that my best friends are not really the friends I thought they were, that motivation doesn’t come by itself but it is always depending on what others inflect to you.
I have the feeling that behind my innocence people can’t see who I am. And so do I behind their vices and impurity.
With my mom nothing works these days. We are unable to have a talk and being in such a bad period all I need is ears to listen to me and arms to breathe in.
There are plenty of things that I truly miss.
I miss myself; I miss my motivation and ambition when I am in my white blouse and formal skirt in the marketing department or hygiene control.
I miss the language classes and the fun my mates you used to have with me when we play theatre.
I miss making these delicious dishes I learnt at the cooking classes and share them with my loved ones.
I miss each moment of joy of my childhood when my mind wasn’t enough smart to realize how hard life can be.
I don’t know what do the coming days hold for me and I am quite scared of the moral pain but I am convinced God knows what is best.

On my way to find myself (2)

The 40th day of my moral pain.
In the middle of the darkness of this feeling that is lasting for quite long time, I sat with some candles around after the light was cut, trying with my fake smile to get a moment of silence to have a conversation with myself.
My life has lost completely its balances since few weeks. It’s absolutely incredible to feel this way.
But anyhow, I have learnt a lot. I truly did and once I feel better (Inchalah), I swear I will no longer involve myself in such a bad situation anymore.
My ignorance has thought me how to seek knowledge, not the one I am used to find in books and think that once I learn it, I can rule the world, but the one that I get while walking in the streets, observing the human being vice and egoism.
Luck thought me that my motivation will never be enough to get what I need.
There is always a power above mine that unfortunately doesn’t give me the choice.
I hope if the feelings of love that we hold inside us for others could change their way of affecting us.
And my two loved ones realize that their behavior is making of my existence a piece of shit on this planet.
I wish to have someday this view from the top, but what I most want is to remember myself climbing to it with honor and high values.
I wish that we can finally, respect people’s choices, leave them live their lives the way they want, and get away from them when we just don’t have any good thing to offer.

On my way to find myself (1)

21 :25
From the window of my room, between the sound of the prayers of Tarawih in the mosque and the ones of my thoughts, I sat like each night in my purple room that is getting more and more colors with the decoration elements that my mom is adding daily. I sat with a song. It seems that I feel quite better, just a little bit but it is still a won battle in the way of the huge war that I lunched against this painful moral injury that turned my life upside down.
All of this doesn’t matter. I know I have to stand up because the world doesn’t stop at my pains.
I know that I have to carry-on living because this is the best and only way to be a winner and make of each one who caused me a drop of pain a real loser.
Recently, I realized that whenever I think that I reached my limits with soreness I discover that there is harder and stronger than what I actually feel.
And whenever I feel that I came to an end, I get so many reasons strongly sustained by my feeling of being a nice person that help me to stand up and do my best for myself firstly, and for my loving ones afterwards.
I am not sure of knowing where I am, how I feel, who do I trust or what I really want or need.
I am in the total indifference and disappointment at my motivation, the few dreams I had and the few people I really used to count on
But anyway,
I sincerely hope that the coming days will bring some happiness to my life and give me some strength to get back to myself who is actually the only one I miss nowadays.

Enough for this year :)

23 :00
After a walk in this hot evening of ramadan, i came back home to sit like every night in front of my computer.
Honestly, there isn’t much to do. Nothing to watch on TV and people seem to prefer staying each one in his own corner instead of visiting their relatives and enjoying the blessing moments of this month.
I am getting back to some good habits, just like praying In nights and doing my best to be a less bad person on this earth.
However, I started to get addicted to some annoying behaviors just like drinking a lot of coffee, and tea to stop my eternal headache that doesn’t leave me the whole of the day.
I am sleeping these days with the radio on, and even with this one, I find it hard to close my eyes.
My physical state is completely affected by the moral one: melancholy, abulia. God! What is next?!
I have to say that I am really in the middle of nowhere this time, and my worries are quite serious.
Since few days, I sat with myself and thought again of all what happened to me this year to find what is actually, going wrong.
I wish I didn’t do it. I wish I could be stupid in order not to realize the impurity of people and the reality of my world…
My moral pain is still the same, I am feeling worse each day and I really don’t know what to do to bring myself up.
I spend long nights thinking and thinking…I hope I could think of something nice, but all I remember is the bad things that happened to me since the last trip that I had to France, then the incident of march, the graduation time with hard work and pressure, my broken heart that trusted people who don’t even know what trust means, then the trip to Oran and the shocks that I got in some sensitive actions of VIH prevention.
I thought that I have overcame all these steps and I am stronger now, but I just realized that I am still in a real shit with these feelings.
For the first time in my life, I felt the real need of help but unfortunately, I am alone to face all of this.
It is like if you tend your hand and you find no other one to take it in the other side.
Believe me, such a feeling can’t be new, I was just too happy, and too available to all of them that I didn’t see the truth of each one of my pretended “friends”.
I am tired with this feeling of permanent sadness, tired of looking at myself in the mirror and realizing that my sweet smile is no longer on my lips.
I am tired of crying the whole night those who don’t even deserve a single thought of my mind.
I am even tired of being who I am… and with all of this, I’d say: enough!!

A moral pain

Under heavy rains in the capital of Algeria, I set in front of my computer, in my room that got a new purple color, well chosen by mom, to think of my life.
This weather makes me so nostalgic and melancholic at the same time. I spent all the evening listening to music and looking at some pictures that I wish to wake up someday and find them totally erased from my memory. Well, this is my actual state since 2 weeks.
Ramadan started and so did the pleasures of Muslim people praying, reading the sacred Coran and getting closer to God with each single good action they can do.
From my side, as set in my plans, I got back to some old good habits and I am quite happy with that.
I hardly feel the time going… with a friend of mine, we decided to work for a restaurant as volunteers to serve food to poor people. It is really amazing!
This is concerning the positive aspects of my days…
I have a strong feeling that I am going through the hardest period of my entire life.
I am losing my smile like I have never done before. Jobless, heartbroken, I miss my daddy, I need holidays, I want to study, I want to make my mummy happy, I have enough motivation to build a career with what I love doing. I want to move on so many things that are still taking the shit out of me, and I realize in the middle of all of this, that I am alone to fight.
But fight against what? Against fate, against my mistakes, against luck, against the impurity of people or against myself. It just looks like a war, a big one, in which my weapons are too weak, too frail and helpless to defend the sensitive one I am.
I find it so hard to understand the world. This feeling drives me mad.
We judge according to our own parameters but we refuse to be judged the same way. We can’t handle people’s sincerity because we are too afraid of the good things that God, fate, luck or whatever you believe in, offers us.
I assure you that all the mathematical theories that I spent long years learning couldn’t help that much in such a place with such an irresponsible behavior that people adopt.
At the end, I don’t know… I just don’t know…
If it is me who should change. And if so, then what am I supposed to change?
My kindness? Because it is too much. I am sorry, I didn’t create myself, God did
My hopes? Because they won’t come true. I am a big dreamer so let me be.
My attitude? Because it isn’t similar to yours. I thought differences make the diversity of this world.
But it seems that according to you, I am a total shit committing a big mistake. A mistake that is teaching me the hard way about your impurity, instead of teaching of me about myself.
But I assure you… I am not happy with that…
I am afraid as I have never been. Afraid of what? I don’t know exactly. And in the middle of my tears, I feel this moral pain that gets worse day by day, even though I know, I am not guilty.
May be things had just to go this way.
May be, it isn’t true to think that we can chose absolutely everything in our lives.
May be, things have to happen for a specific reason that I sincerely hope to see soon, to bring myself up and cheer up.
I am not sure that I am getting my smile back. This time, it was seriously taken from me and I am just so sorry for what was inflected to my soul.
However, I am quite convinced that sooner or later, I will take my revenge… I will do in a good way because we don’t see the world in with the same eyes, and I am glad and delayed to realize that mine is at centuries of civilization from yours.
I thank all of you for reading.

A thought

I have started writing this article and I wasn’t knowing what should I exactly talk about..
I had a lot of free time recently but curiously, my inspiration was getting smaller and poorer.
I am so freaking lost with all what is going through my mind these days.
Since I graduated, I didn’t meet any good job opportunity and it is driving me sick. I am a very active person who can’t get used to have empty days with nothing to do.
I tried recently to join a new type of organization that takes care of kids, especially sick and abandoned ones. I am not sure of working for it for long time, but I met interesting opportunities to learn more about people, how they live, how they act, and how they hide their impurity.
Ramadan is coming and I am quite happy with that. It is my favorite month in the whole year. You really feel the sanity during it while fasting. I love the traditions that people all over the world adopt for 30 days.
I have already made a plan about some stuff that I want to accomplish on the religious plan… Hopefully, this will bring me up.
I have the feeling that the whole world is not ok this year. Whenever I read the news paper, I get chocked with a new disaster happening somewhere on this planet.
And I realize that my pains no matter how long, strong, serious, hard, hurting and important they are, there is somewhere else someone who is suffering much more than me.
I am discovering the real meaning of bravery since couple of weeks. I have the feeling that the true learning has just started for me.
After coming from my last trip I noticed that I have spent long time thinking that I learnt a lot, much more than my friends but all of this was false.
I am far away from what I have always called: “a view from the top”.
I am sure that life is still going to teach me more things. It will hurt me again, it will take my smile but I am enough brave to get it back.
It will disappoint the true person I am, and I will envy myself for that but not for long time for sure. My principals are too pure to bring me up as soon as I look at myself in the mirror and realize that this one in front of me didn’t cause any pain to anyone.
It will take my loved from my real world, but it would never take them from my heart.
It might take me from myself, but I will be back again, for sure 