The weather changed today so many times that I couldn’t really understand in which season I am.
In my city, in 24hours, people change much more than the weather; incredible but true.
I have reached recently, a certain degree of absence of trust that scares my future initiatives.
Since couple of weeks, I am having kind of weird and repetitive schedules: early wake up, quick moves, running everywhere, thinking that my world will miss a lot if I don’t leave my bed and do something for it. I rarely have time for lunch, to share it with someone.
Then I come back after hard moments with the traffic jump and transportation, enter into a re-integration process under my shower. Then I fix my headache with a cup of tea, and something sweet to get my energy back, already in front of my computer, because this world that doesn’t want me, do expect so many things from me.
And life goes on…
I am human, and just like all humans I have dreams that are trying to stand against the realities of life in an unbalanced society.
In the middle of this nowhere, I am quite happy with myself; my fast learning and my courage may be not to overcome what I have been through but to understand that l still can get better things in life.
I thought betrayal was an end, but I discovered that it was the beginning of everything.
I thought life could be related to people’s presence in our lives but it doesn’t. It just takes the road you give to it since the beginning, and it is just up to us to make it right or wrong at each step we have.
I am not sure to what extend is it true to think that mistakes from which we learn are no longer ones but learning is the best proof of smartness .
I don’t want to have a life of regret and I don’t want to inflict it to anyone and this is one of my biggest strength.
As strength that I sincerely hope will make me wake up every day to have this same schedule to give to my world small things with a big heart.
Saturday, January 29, 2011
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Lack of smile
I form part of this world since 22 years.
From them:
19 years spent without my dad, and still going on
18 years without a home, that I probably can change someday if I get enough money
10 months with the memory of a tragic accident, that left such a huge injury inside of my soul.
A year with a broken heart, that I wish God will make justice for it.
6 months jobless, bad luck for Algerian companies, they just don’t know what they miss.
And yet, I am still alive.
I am alive but I am a different one now.
I have the feeling that I am starting 2011 with no good goals in my personal life.
You will wonder if I am a messy girl who couldn’t make some order to set priorities but I assure you: if you just look at my wardrobe, my books shelf or the files on my computer, you will understand that the matter is something else.
2010 was a real year of sacrifices, and yet I am still thinking of doing more.
I feel like a hero with some of them. I feel like a dumb, brainless, dolt hero.
I feel this way because I know I should have regrets but I loved being someone’s hero so much that I can’t help having this feeling of regret.
I know I am a warrior, but I know also that everything has an expiry date and I am just wondering if troubles are going to be stronger than my doses of positive acting and thinking.
Let us give to time the power to decide
From them:
19 years spent without my dad, and still going on
18 years without a home, that I probably can change someday if I get enough money
10 months with the memory of a tragic accident, that left such a huge injury inside of my soul.
A year with a broken heart, that I wish God will make justice for it.
6 months jobless, bad luck for Algerian companies, they just don’t know what they miss.
And yet, I am still alive.
I am alive but I am a different one now.
I have the feeling that I am starting 2011 with no good goals in my personal life.
You will wonder if I am a messy girl who couldn’t make some order to set priorities but I assure you: if you just look at my wardrobe, my books shelf or the files on my computer, you will understand that the matter is something else.
2010 was a real year of sacrifices, and yet I am still thinking of doing more.
I feel like a hero with some of them. I feel like a dumb, brainless, dolt hero.
I feel this way because I know I should have regrets but I loved being someone’s hero so much that I can’t help having this feeling of regret.
I know I am a warrior, but I know also that everything has an expiry date and I am just wondering if troubles are going to be stronger than my doses of positive acting and thinking.
Let us give to time the power to decide
Saturday, January 1, 2011
2010 VS 2011
I can imagine the number of articles you will across these days, talking about the New Year, the new resolutions, the end of a period and the beginning of another one. But what people don’t realize is that they are saying the same thing since their life started to be a little bit more complicated than hard day at the primary school waiting to get home to take a big cup of milk with pancakes.
At the end of each year, I read the same status on my friends’ profiles: “goodbye year X , welcome new year and hope things will be better”
I wonder if all these people know that change can’t be done by the beginning of another series of 12 months but with the motivation to act the way we want others to do.
This year I decided to be one of those people who can’t be total idiots for long, I decided to change my mind.
I decided not to write any resolution and live for couple of months with no basic aim in my personal life.
I decided to keep having my long walks, my loud monologs, my lonely life and above all: the few human kind values that I still have.
2010 ended in my agenda, but it didn’t end in my life.
It didn’t end because all what the humanity has been through is still remaining, and I am sure it will keep raping my memory till something new and permanent comes to occupy my thoughts 24H per day to learn how to get used to live with the moral pain of impurity or till I loose my memory and this case will be a little bit complicated because you will need to remind me who I am, something that no one can do.
I had to understand that not all those who supported me someday, do really respect me, and those who don’t respect others, they don’t respect themselves in real.
I don’t know what God is preparing for me but I am quite convinced that something completely unexpected is going to happen to me soon.
I am just so excited for it, to be able finally to prove that everything happens for a reason.
In this new year, I thank God for making me one of his servants and for being there to make things work the “right” way.
At the end of each year, I read the same status on my friends’ profiles: “goodbye year X , welcome new year and hope things will be better”
I wonder if all these people know that change can’t be done by the beginning of another series of 12 months but with the motivation to act the way we want others to do.
This year I decided to be one of those people who can’t be total idiots for long, I decided to change my mind.
I decided not to write any resolution and live for couple of months with no basic aim in my personal life.
I decided to keep having my long walks, my loud monologs, my lonely life and above all: the few human kind values that I still have.
2010 ended in my agenda, but it didn’t end in my life.
It didn’t end because all what the humanity has been through is still remaining, and I am sure it will keep raping my memory till something new and permanent comes to occupy my thoughts 24H per day to learn how to get used to live with the moral pain of impurity or till I loose my memory and this case will be a little bit complicated because you will need to remind me who I am, something that no one can do.
I had to understand that not all those who supported me someday, do really respect me, and those who don’t respect others, they don’t respect themselves in real.
I don’t know what God is preparing for me but I am quite convinced that something completely unexpected is going to happen to me soon.
I am just so excited for it, to be able finally to prove that everything happens for a reason.
In this new year, I thank God for making me one of his servants and for being there to make things work the “right” way.
Monday, December 20, 2010
Goodbye trust
I am Zahra, and here is my story with “trust”
Few years ago, I took the bus. An old man was sitting just in front of me. He looked at me, I smiled. He said: my daughter, you have an angelic face.
I smiled again, I thanked him, and I said: his words are so trusted. Was I right? I don’t think so.
I had after that a friend, he asked me borrow him money, I trusted him, and I did.
I never got it back but I said: he is a friend, let us just not care…
Then I met a girl, she called me “best friend”. I was so affected..I said: she knows what she is doing, let us give her some trust.
Couple of weeks later, I went somewhere with other friends, I didn’t call her to come with me….She called and made me hear very disrespectful words.
Then I decided to buy a computer, I went to the shop. The guy was so religious; all his sentences were starting with the name of God. I said he deserves to be trusted. He sold me a machine that stopped working three months later and refused to refund me.
Then I went to university and had to prepare projects in groups. We divided the tasks… I said lets trust them and count on them to finish their parts. The day of the presentation nothing was ready.
Then I had a relative starting his own business in pastry. He asked for my help. I dedicated all my days long to teach him and lunch his business. I said: he is absolutely trusted.
Few times later, I was on a bed at hospital for a trauma caused by violent blows on my head. He was responsible.
Then I met a boy. He told me:” I am different from all people you know…I will always be right there for you”…I loved him, and said who else except this one deserves my trust?
From that day, I didn’t hear from him.
Recently,
I took the bus. An old lady told me: you have such nice eyes. I told her: you still can find much better
Then I met someone, she said: we are best friends. I told her: I don’t deserve to be trusted. I am a selfish one, so be aware
I went to a shop to buy something. The guy said: it is a good product. I replied: don’t add a word, I am a better marketer.
Someone asked me to borrow her money. I said: I will give you the half of what you need, because I don’t want it back.
I met a boy. He told me: you have the most beautiful smile never seen.
I told him: your vocab needs some updates.
I might get experience, from what life inflects to me. I might learn more. I might suffer and feel better. I might know who my friends are; I might get my heart back as I might not
But I am sure..No one will get my trust…. As long as I am alive….
And this was my story with the trust.
Few years ago, I took the bus. An old man was sitting just in front of me. He looked at me, I smiled. He said: my daughter, you have an angelic face.
I smiled again, I thanked him, and I said: his words are so trusted. Was I right? I don’t think so.
I had after that a friend, he asked me borrow him money, I trusted him, and I did.
I never got it back but I said: he is a friend, let us just not care…
Then I met a girl, she called me “best friend”. I was so affected..I said: she knows what she is doing, let us give her some trust.
Couple of weeks later, I went somewhere with other friends, I didn’t call her to come with me….She called and made me hear very disrespectful words.
Then I decided to buy a computer, I went to the shop. The guy was so religious; all his sentences were starting with the name of God. I said he deserves to be trusted. He sold me a machine that stopped working three months later and refused to refund me.
Then I went to university and had to prepare projects in groups. We divided the tasks… I said lets trust them and count on them to finish their parts. The day of the presentation nothing was ready.
Then I had a relative starting his own business in pastry. He asked for my help. I dedicated all my days long to teach him and lunch his business. I said: he is absolutely trusted.
Few times later, I was on a bed at hospital for a trauma caused by violent blows on my head. He was responsible.
Then I met a boy. He told me:” I am different from all people you know…I will always be right there for you”…I loved him, and said who else except this one deserves my trust?
From that day, I didn’t hear from him.
Recently,
I took the bus. An old lady told me: you have such nice eyes. I told her: you still can find much better
Then I met someone, she said: we are best friends. I told her: I don’t deserve to be trusted. I am a selfish one, so be aware
I went to a shop to buy something. The guy said: it is a good product. I replied: don’t add a word, I am a better marketer.
Someone asked me to borrow her money. I said: I will give you the half of what you need, because I don’t want it back.
I met a boy. He told me: you have the most beautiful smile never seen.
I told him: your vocab needs some updates.
I might get experience, from what life inflects to me. I might learn more. I might suffer and feel better. I might know who my friends are; I might get my heart back as I might not
But I am sure..No one will get my trust…. As long as I am alive….
And this was my story with the trust.
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
A word to myself
A rainy day filled my hours in the most disliked city of the world.
I decided today to get some rest. With the cold outside, I sat under my cover for the whole day.
I am planning tomorrow to have one of these long walks to take a breath.
Since couple of weeks, I am having a deep feeling of loneliness even though I am surrounded by billion people nearly all the day.
I was walking last week and looking at people passing by; and for the first time, I felt stranger.
Stranger on what I thought was my land. From this time, I took couple of decisions.
I decided to have a new friend: myself. I am sure this new one will always understand me
I decided to leave. I might not feel better, but I won’t feel worse.
I decided to fight for my values, even if they make this entire planet pissed off.
I decided also not to forgive myself for the mistakes I have committed. This is the only way to be sure that I won’t make them anymore.
The events of the second semester of 2010 are still hurting me deep inside. I find it absolutely hard to move on.
Some people suggested me to add this to my experience about life, others to put it on the count of fate and destiny. Myself, I put it on the list of what my unborn children will never face as long as I am alive beside them.
I think that my biggest lose is the ability to trust. Today, all my relationships are professional and I don’t want them to get closer than this. I don’t have this desire to be who I used to be, 6 months ago.
And I think…. I think that about human being rights and values I understood a lot.
I understood that I should help everyone, admire few ones, but trust and love no one.
I understood finally the difference between what we need and what we want.
I understood that who we love aren’t necessary those who should be loved, that love isn’t about sacrifices but about self satisfaction that is also based on satisfying those occupying a place in our hearts.
I don’t have many hopes to myself in this side, except that my loved ones: Mom, dad and few other ones will remember the best of me, if they have to remember me someday
But I sincerely wish that till that unexpected day in which my kids will come to this world, law will set new articles to save the humanity of real human beings.
I decided today to get some rest. With the cold outside, I sat under my cover for the whole day.
I am planning tomorrow to have one of these long walks to take a breath.
Since couple of weeks, I am having a deep feeling of loneliness even though I am surrounded by billion people nearly all the day.
I was walking last week and looking at people passing by; and for the first time, I felt stranger.
Stranger on what I thought was my land. From this time, I took couple of decisions.
I decided to have a new friend: myself. I am sure this new one will always understand me
I decided to leave. I might not feel better, but I won’t feel worse.
I decided to fight for my values, even if they make this entire planet pissed off.
I decided also not to forgive myself for the mistakes I have committed. This is the only way to be sure that I won’t make them anymore.
The events of the second semester of 2010 are still hurting me deep inside. I find it absolutely hard to move on.
Some people suggested me to add this to my experience about life, others to put it on the count of fate and destiny. Myself, I put it on the list of what my unborn children will never face as long as I am alive beside them.
I think that my biggest lose is the ability to trust. Today, all my relationships are professional and I don’t want them to get closer than this. I don’t have this desire to be who I used to be, 6 months ago.
And I think…. I think that about human being rights and values I understood a lot.
I understood that I should help everyone, admire few ones, but trust and love no one.
I understood finally the difference between what we need and what we want.
I understood that who we love aren’t necessary those who should be loved, that love isn’t about sacrifices but about self satisfaction that is also based on satisfying those occupying a place in our hearts.
I don’t have many hopes to myself in this side, except that my loved ones: Mom, dad and few other ones will remember the best of me, if they have to remember me someday
But I sincerely wish that till that unexpected day in which my kids will come to this world, law will set new articles to save the humanity of real human beings.
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
DZ LAND
I have always considered myself as a citizen of this world.
I don’t know f I should worry because I don’t have any special feeling toward any particular land on this earth but I do admit that this sensation is the best.
I like Algeria for so many reasons. The passport and Identity card are green which is my favorite color. We have this city called Tlemcen that I discovered recently, where all boys wish to marry for I don’t know which reason.
Food is cheap, and so are the stomacher medicines.
But Algeria isn’t only this.
3rd dirtiest county.
To across 3 km you need more than 3 hours with the traffic jump.
You can never know at what time the bus comes, so most of people think that you are an irresponsible person when you give an appointement and you don’t reach it on time.
To get your papers at the town council you need (Ma3rifa) which is basically knowing someone who works there to make it easy for you to get what you have all the rights to get it.
I went once at 9Am, I took a ticket, it was number 100. I went home and came back around 3pm. They were still at number 300 of the previous account.. So I understood that I had to came back the next day at the same time…
I asked once for 2 residence certificates because in the administration they asked me to bring two. The guy told me: oh no, I will give you only one….
I don’t know why did he give me just one?! He only had to put the tracing paper to get as many copies as he wants by writing only one certificate.
My mom went once to get me a certificate of birth. They told her we can’t give it to you, ask your daughter to come personally. It seems that they didn’t believe that she was my mom, right?
Job interviews are my best part.
I applied for a job couple of weeks ago. I had three interviews, two of them in English and the interviewer didn’t understand a word..Opps: he forgot to mention that he doesn’t speak it.
After that I started working, so In order to keep their superiority, some of my mates started saying that I over estimate myself.
That’s actually a big issue with Algerians.
I swear I wish to be other than what I am but I can’t manage it.
It isn’t me who says that I am a hotel manager but the executive decree N° 94-255. I bet that law doesn’t lie, right?
Relationships and love…What am I supposed to start with?
I was working in that hotel when a client came to the reception.
I took his identity card and started filling his profile, then I looked at him and I noticed he was stressed..
I asked: is everything ok, sir?
He replied: please hurry up!! This is my weeding night..
I put my pen, I couldn’t finish that check in. I went to the back office and wondered why from the 100 hormones in the human body, the Algerians have only one that works.
I do believe that no Algerian has over came the frustration of sex. This makes it hard for me to be in a relationship for the coming century.
I met once a friend of mine and I asked her to go for shopping.
I stopped at a shop attracted by small red shoes for babies. I told her that I would really love to have one someday.
She told me: why don’t you just do like me and get married?
I remembered the unidentified creature she is married to, spending his days along sleeping, eating, getting fat and using a vulgar language.
I told her: this is the difference between us, you needed a sperm distributer, but I need a man.
Excuse my words if you don’t agree with them but it seems that my life took a big turner on the 6th of June 2010.
I believe much more in my values since that day, and I am quite sure that somewhere in this universe there is a land where people can simply deal with my rationality which is killing me slowly in Algeria.
I gave one promise to myself. The next 6th of June, that I doubt the concerned one about it will remember it with me, will be my last day here
I don’t know where will my hopes take me but I am quite convinced my mind will suffer less anywhere out of Algiers
I don’t know f I should worry because I don’t have any special feeling toward any particular land on this earth but I do admit that this sensation is the best.
I like Algeria for so many reasons. The passport and Identity card are green which is my favorite color. We have this city called Tlemcen that I discovered recently, where all boys wish to marry for I don’t know which reason.
Food is cheap, and so are the stomacher medicines.
But Algeria isn’t only this.
3rd dirtiest county.
To across 3 km you need more than 3 hours with the traffic jump.
You can never know at what time the bus comes, so most of people think that you are an irresponsible person when you give an appointement and you don’t reach it on time.
To get your papers at the town council you need (Ma3rifa) which is basically knowing someone who works there to make it easy for you to get what you have all the rights to get it.
I went once at 9Am, I took a ticket, it was number 100. I went home and came back around 3pm. They were still at number 300 of the previous account.. So I understood that I had to came back the next day at the same time…
I asked once for 2 residence certificates because in the administration they asked me to bring two. The guy told me: oh no, I will give you only one….
I don’t know why did he give me just one?! He only had to put the tracing paper to get as many copies as he wants by writing only one certificate.
My mom went once to get me a certificate of birth. They told her we can’t give it to you, ask your daughter to come personally. It seems that they didn’t believe that she was my mom, right?
Job interviews are my best part.
I applied for a job couple of weeks ago. I had three interviews, two of them in English and the interviewer didn’t understand a word..Opps: he forgot to mention that he doesn’t speak it.
After that I started working, so In order to keep their superiority, some of my mates started saying that I over estimate myself.
That’s actually a big issue with Algerians.
I swear I wish to be other than what I am but I can’t manage it.
It isn’t me who says that I am a hotel manager but the executive decree N° 94-255. I bet that law doesn’t lie, right?
Relationships and love…What am I supposed to start with?
I was working in that hotel when a client came to the reception.
I took his identity card and started filling his profile, then I looked at him and I noticed he was stressed..
I asked: is everything ok, sir?
He replied: please hurry up!! This is my weeding night..
I put my pen, I couldn’t finish that check in. I went to the back office and wondered why from the 100 hormones in the human body, the Algerians have only one that works.
I do believe that no Algerian has over came the frustration of sex. This makes it hard for me to be in a relationship for the coming century.
I met once a friend of mine and I asked her to go for shopping.
I stopped at a shop attracted by small red shoes for babies. I told her that I would really love to have one someday.
She told me: why don’t you just do like me and get married?
I remembered the unidentified creature she is married to, spending his days along sleeping, eating, getting fat and using a vulgar language.
I told her: this is the difference between us, you needed a sperm distributer, but I need a man.
Excuse my words if you don’t agree with them but it seems that my life took a big turner on the 6th of June 2010.
I believe much more in my values since that day, and I am quite sure that somewhere in this universe there is a land where people can simply deal with my rationality which is killing me slowly in Algeria.
I gave one promise to myself. The next 6th of June, that I doubt the concerned one about it will remember it with me, will be my last day here
I don’t know where will my hopes take me but I am quite convinced my mind will suffer less anywhere out of Algiers
Monday, November 29, 2010
PS: I love you
I am not sure of knowing the real reason that make people fight for life. Is it power, wealth, knowledge, love, or something else?
I am not sure of anyone of them but I am quite convinced that whatever they could be, they are for sure different from mines, and here my story starts.
In his book: “The world as I see it”, Einstein said: “ We exist for those on whose smiles and welfare all our happiness depends”. The day I read it, then looked at people around me, I realized that this deep sense of life is just like his riddle, that 98% of the population of the world wouldn’t understand.
I remember myself, couple of months ago. I was still student full of hopes and dreams. At that time, my vision about life was too scary. Losing was one of the words that I could do anything to avoid it.
This fear made me unable to take any step in my personal life and professional career even though I have always known that I was able and I could, with the motivation and ambition that I have, reach up to the sky.
In the middle of these feelings, I didn’t realize that I was about to live the biggest experience of my entire life.
A winter day of a sweet November, a random meeting that leaded to a pure friendship, moments of laughter and joy, so many crazy situations, strongly trusted feelings and wonderful sense of share .
It was the beginning of a sweet story, that unfortunately came to end. An end that ended every gentle feeling of trust inside of me forever.
I have known the meaning of sacrifices, which is basically doing what we don’t want to do or we can’t do, because we just have to do it and because it is the only way to save some people’s smile.
On this way, I have done a lot. I have done what went completely against my personality and my spirit and I told myself: you will be the winner because you will die remembering smiles you have drawn, not hearts you have broken.
I don’t know where my way of thinking will lead me to, I don’t if my principles are the right ones on this planet.
Today, I truly believe that all relationships between people have an expiry date, and what hurts more isn’t the end, or the loose but the feeling that what we have believed in wasn’t that true.
It’s this total conviction that we build a wrong image to someone and we refuse to see the reality even when all the world around us is trying to help to over come it.
I am today someone new, someone who can smile whatever happens.
The traffic jump of Algiers doesn’t annoy me. I walk under the rains and I don’t complain.
I eat anything that I like just to have the energy to crunch life and get the best of it.
I don’t give a shit to people’s opinions when they try to touch my personality.
I am just too optimist without anything and that’s actually my true victory against the pains.
I bet that once trust is lost there is no way to get it back and I am so sorry for those who lost mine.
but any way, this is just how life goes…
And as I always say: the best challenge in life isn’t about reaching its aims in life but it is about reaching them without causing damages around us.
I thank all of you for reading.
I am not sure of anyone of them but I am quite convinced that whatever they could be, they are for sure different from mines, and here my story starts.
In his book: “The world as I see it”, Einstein said: “ We exist for those on whose smiles and welfare all our happiness depends”. The day I read it, then looked at people around me, I realized that this deep sense of life is just like his riddle, that 98% of the population of the world wouldn’t understand.
I remember myself, couple of months ago. I was still student full of hopes and dreams. At that time, my vision about life was too scary. Losing was one of the words that I could do anything to avoid it.
This fear made me unable to take any step in my personal life and professional career even though I have always known that I was able and I could, with the motivation and ambition that I have, reach up to the sky.
In the middle of these feelings, I didn’t realize that I was about to live the biggest experience of my entire life.
A winter day of a sweet November, a random meeting that leaded to a pure friendship, moments of laughter and joy, so many crazy situations, strongly trusted feelings and wonderful sense of share .
It was the beginning of a sweet story, that unfortunately came to end. An end that ended every gentle feeling of trust inside of me forever.
I have known the meaning of sacrifices, which is basically doing what we don’t want to do or we can’t do, because we just have to do it and because it is the only way to save some people’s smile.
On this way, I have done a lot. I have done what went completely against my personality and my spirit and I told myself: you will be the winner because you will die remembering smiles you have drawn, not hearts you have broken.
I don’t know where my way of thinking will lead me to, I don’t if my principles are the right ones on this planet.
Today, I truly believe that all relationships between people have an expiry date, and what hurts more isn’t the end, or the loose but the feeling that what we have believed in wasn’t that true.
It’s this total conviction that we build a wrong image to someone and we refuse to see the reality even when all the world around us is trying to help to over come it.
I am today someone new, someone who can smile whatever happens.
The traffic jump of Algiers doesn’t annoy me. I walk under the rains and I don’t complain.
I eat anything that I like just to have the energy to crunch life and get the best of it.
I don’t give a shit to people’s opinions when they try to touch my personality.
I am just too optimist without anything and that’s actually my true victory against the pains.
I bet that once trust is lost there is no way to get it back and I am so sorry for those who lost mine.
but any way, this is just how life goes…
And as I always say: the best challenge in life isn’t about reaching its aims in life but it is about reaching them without causing damages around us.
I thank all of you for reading.
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