l'histoire de la fille, du mec et de la relation

Je dédie cette histoire à toutes les personnes dont les neurones sont présents en quantité assez basse pour comprendre le langage du cœur d’un être amoureux.
Il était une fois, une fille, un mec et une relation. Les trois se lancèrent sur un chemin d’une chose très simple que les humains tentent à tout prix de compliquer : « la vie ».
A la recherche de la paix de l’âme, la fille se lança dans une recherche très profonde mais peu absurde : celle de l’amour.
Elle rencontra après avoir quitté son petit chalet le boulanger de son village : c’était un homme sympathique, travailleur, sérieux, responsable, drôle et il avait du pain gratuit tous les jours !
Ce dernier désira construire une relation avec elle. Elle l’observa pendant quelques minutes et réalisa qu’avec lui, certes elle ne manquera pas de pain, ni de chaleur (émanant du four) mais elle ne sera jamais comblée, car quelque chose manque à cette relation.
C’est en fait, une bonne relation, hélas pas avec la bonne personne.
A quelque centaines de kilomètres elle rencontra un nouvel homme, dans son lieu de travail. Plutôt gentil, intelligent, d’une certaine classe, bien habillé, bien éduqué, avec un bon boulot, de l’argent (si ceci fait plaisir à certaines), une bonne façon de s’exprimer. Bref, il avait tout pour qu’elle le prenne mais même cette fois-ci, elle refusa de le faire, car au milieu de cette perfection, quelque chose manquait. Quelque chose qui ferait que tout le reste serait juste une éphémère condition.
C’était encore une fois, une bonne relation.
La petite fille n’abandonna pas, et continua son parcours, et c’est ainsi qu’après des milliards de kilomètres, elle rencontra par hasard, un homme. Un homme comme des centaines d’autres : égoïste, désagréable, méchant et cruel . A celui la, elle s’arrangea toujours pour trouver des justifications à ses faits et gestes. Avec lui, tout était beau et tout méritait le sacrifice.
C’était le parfait imparfait, si j’ose décrire l’amour avec ces mots.
Et enfin, c’était la bonne personne.
La bonne relation ne veut pas toujours dire qu’on est avec la bonne personne.
Avec la bonne personne on ne peut pas toujours avoir la bonne relation.
J’espère qu’après avoir lu et compris cette petite histoire, certains vont arrêter de dire : « vous êtes tellement belle, comment ça se fait que vous êtes célibataire ? »
« Vous cherchez une relation sérieuse ? » (au lieu de dire : « vous cherchez la bonne personne ? »
Et surtout, nombreux cesseront de prendre le cœur humain pour une machine à « shift Supp » qui peut oublier les plus beaux sentiments dédiés à la BONNE personne même si on n’a jamais eu avec elle la BONNE relation.
Merci

The realities of my moral pain (2)

My mother
The 79th day of my moral pain
I have spent long time telling to everyone that i belong to the cathegory of people who do not beleieve in true love. I tried my hard to prove it and Iwas quite sure of what I was saying.
So many people tried to convince me telling me about their love stories, but I am pretty sure this isn’t always true.
Today in my heart, I hold two people, just two. The first one is my mom. The only one that I sincerely hope God won’t take from me.
My mom and I started living together when I entered the high school. After my parents divorced, she stayed alone in another city and used to come to visit me from time to time.
It was so hard for me to see my mom leaving when her vacation ends. I think that this was one of the biggest things that weakened my heart and my personality.
I know today that my mom’s happiness stops at my success in life and I know also that my life is completely fucked up.
Since few days my moral state really reached a bad situation. I am not even caring or excepting people to do anything for me because I feel that I am finished.
I have lost all desires to do everything and honestly no one and nothing matters me except my mom and the fears of making her disappointed with this state I am in.
I wish if I could have brothers and sisters so that my mom can feel happier with.
My mistakes make me feel guilty towards her because I know she scarified a lot for me and today I am not able to give her back anything,
I am not able to work, to offer her a house, to take her for trips, to make her smile or simply invite her for a tea.
I sincerely hope that my mom will forgive me for who I am today because I am not proud of it.
And I wish that God will give me just a small power to do something with myself to draw a smile on the sun that brightens my life: my mom.

The realities of my moral pain (1)

My grand mother
On my way to find the true reasons of my moral pain that is taking the shit out of me, and in continuation of my articles “this life of mine”, I judged necessary for myself and the few ones who care for me to talk about what plays a huge role in hurting my smile daily.
I remember the first article i published about my grandmother few months ago, and I remember also that I adopted a funny style in writing it for my Spanish classes.
From that time till now, many things changed in my grand mom’s attitude but unfortunately not to the best.
In the Algerian culture; there is a proverb that I absolutely don’t believe in, which says: more precious than the son, is the son of the son.
It means that the grandson is supposed to be loved by his grandparents much more than his dad or mom.
To some extends, this is true! My grandparents do love their grandsons as much as they hate me, and I might seem mad if I tell you that it doesn’t surprise me because I am a real individual who doesn’t fake a smile to get benefit and this is the real difference between me and the others.
Even though my situation seems to some of my friends a simple one, for me, it doesn’t.
I just spent three days on this article and I am still not done with it. Whenever I remember something to post, I feel terribly bad that I stop directly writing.
Many words would join each other to describe her behavior: jalousy, madness, love of control, lack of interest from her sons and daughters.
I don’t know which one is exactly the right feeling that she is using against me but I am quite convinced that what she does isn’t for my benefit.
I realized recently that I am losing the smallest rights that you all live with and don’t even think of because they are too obvious.
I can’t take showers whenever I want, she thinks I am exaggerating with water and I have to pay the bills.
I never use the phone but I have to pay their communications just because I need an active landline to maintain my connection working.
When I decide to cook, I have no right to use the vegetables at home. I need to go to get myself what I need and above all, no one eats except me and my mom.
She insults me because I used to be a university student. Studies are for men only!

When we are eating all together and she doesn’t like something in her plate, she takes it and throw it into mine..This makes me sick, and what makes me feel worse is to remember that she was the one behind the incident that happened to me last march; an incident that changed my whole life and made of me a real bad person following my own judgment.
Remembering these events affect my mind a lot. I am sincerely feeling terribly bad day by day and being surrounded by people like her doesn’t help me to fix myself.
The 10th week of my moral pain, and I am sure that this free fall will last for quite long time. I am disgusted of the whole of the world and sincerely nothing and no one can draw a smile on lips for the present moment.
I hope that God, the biggest and the only one present for all his creatures will be beside me and won’t leave me alone.

This life of mine (1)

In front of my computer, sitting with a song, absolutely bored, and pissed off with this empty life I am having since my graduation, i remembered the Algerian proverb saying: getting attached to something is so easy but getting rid of it is something we can’t stand.
It seems that I got used to what I most hate in this life: the feeling of total conviction that I am living alone.
I decided to start a new series of articles in which I am planning to talk about my vision to my own life. I am not sure of the result of what I will come up with but anyhow, I know you will share me your feedback in all cases…
I am finally indifferent toward my moral pain that lasted for more than 2 months. Even though I am not feeling good, I am making big efforts to fake a smile in order not to annoy my so called friends and people surrounding me in this daily life.
I adopted a very strange strategy to reach this point.
I imagined the worst ends of the few good things left in my life “sorry, if my words seem too depressive, I just can’t help it” and then I convinced myself that my wishes might not come true.
I bet I was right, as things aren’t always the way you expect them to be.
I have the feeling that everything is so superficial around me, that I believed in unreal things and promises, that my life isn’t what I expected it to be, that my best friends are not really the friends I thought they were, that motivation doesn’t come by itself but it is always depending on what others inflect to you.
I have the feeling that behind my innocence people can’t see who I am. And so do I behind their vices and impurity.
With my mom nothing works these days. We are unable to have a talk and being in such a bad period all I need is ears to listen to me and arms to breathe in.
There are plenty of things that I truly miss.
I miss myself; I miss my motivation and ambition when I am in my white blouse and formal skirt in the marketing department or hygiene control.
I miss the language classes and the fun my mates you used to have with me when we play theatre.
I miss making these delicious dishes I learnt at the cooking classes and share them with my loved ones.
I miss each moment of joy of my childhood when my mind wasn’t enough smart to realize how hard life can be.
I don’t know what do the coming days hold for me and I am quite scared of the moral pain but I am convinced God knows what is best.

On my way to find myself (2)

The 40th day of my moral pain.
In the middle of the darkness of this feeling that is lasting for quite long time, I sat with some candles around after the light was cut, trying with my fake smile to get a moment of silence to have a conversation with myself.
My life has lost completely its balances since few weeks. It’s absolutely incredible to feel this way.
But anyhow, I have learnt a lot. I truly did and once I feel better (Inchalah), I swear I will no longer involve myself in such a bad situation anymore.
My ignorance has thought me how to seek knowledge, not the one I am used to find in books and think that once I learn it, I can rule the world, but the one that I get while walking in the streets, observing the human being vice and egoism.
Luck thought me that my motivation will never be enough to get what I need.
There is always a power above mine that unfortunately doesn’t give me the choice.
I hope if the feelings of love that we hold inside us for others could change their way of affecting us.
And my two loved ones realize that their behavior is making of my existence a piece of shit on this planet.
I wish to have someday this view from the top, but what I most want is to remember myself climbing to it with honor and high values.
I wish that we can finally, respect people’s choices, leave them live their lives the way they want, and get away from them when we just don’t have any good thing to offer.

On my way to find myself (1)

21 :25
From the window of my room, between the sound of the prayers of Tarawih in the mosque and the ones of my thoughts, I sat like each night in my purple room that is getting more and more colors with the decoration elements that my mom is adding daily. I sat with a song. It seems that I feel quite better, just a little bit but it is still a won battle in the way of the huge war that I lunched against this painful moral injury that turned my life upside down.
All of this doesn’t matter. I know I have to stand up because the world doesn’t stop at my pains.
I know that I have to carry-on living because this is the best and only way to be a winner and make of each one who caused me a drop of pain a real loser.
Recently, I realized that whenever I think that I reached my limits with soreness I discover that there is harder and stronger than what I actually feel.
And whenever I feel that I came to an end, I get so many reasons strongly sustained by my feeling of being a nice person that help me to stand up and do my best for myself firstly, and for my loving ones afterwards.
I am not sure of knowing where I am, how I feel, who do I trust or what I really want or need.
I am in the total indifference and disappointment at my motivation, the few dreams I had and the few people I really used to count on
But anyway,
I sincerely hope that the coming days will bring some happiness to my life and give me some strength to get back to myself who is actually the only one I miss nowadays.

Enough for this year :)

23 :00
After a walk in this hot evening of ramadan, i came back home to sit like every night in front of my computer.
Honestly, there isn’t much to do. Nothing to watch on TV and people seem to prefer staying each one in his own corner instead of visiting their relatives and enjoying the blessing moments of this month.
I am getting back to some good habits, just like praying In nights and doing my best to be a less bad person on this earth.
However, I started to get addicted to some annoying behaviors just like drinking a lot of coffee, and tea to stop my eternal headache that doesn’t leave me the whole of the day.
I am sleeping these days with the radio on, and even with this one, I find it hard to close my eyes.
My physical state is completely affected by the moral one: melancholy, abulia. God! What is next?!
I have to say that I am really in the middle of nowhere this time, and my worries are quite serious.
Since few days, I sat with myself and thought again of all what happened to me this year to find what is actually, going wrong.
I wish I didn’t do it. I wish I could be stupid in order not to realize the impurity of people and the reality of my world…
My moral pain is still the same, I am feeling worse each day and I really don’t know what to do to bring myself up.
I spend long nights thinking and thinking…I hope I could think of something nice, but all I remember is the bad things that happened to me since the last trip that I had to France, then the incident of march, the graduation time with hard work and pressure, my broken heart that trusted people who don’t even know what trust means, then the trip to Oran and the shocks that I got in some sensitive actions of VIH prevention.
I thought that I have overcame all these steps and I am stronger now, but I just realized that I am still in a real shit with these feelings.
For the first time in my life, I felt the real need of help but unfortunately, I am alone to face all of this.
It is like if you tend your hand and you find no other one to take it in the other side.
Believe me, such a feeling can’t be new, I was just too happy, and too available to all of them that I didn’t see the truth of each one of my pretended “friends”.
I am tired with this feeling of permanent sadness, tired of looking at myself in the mirror and realizing that my sweet smile is no longer on my lips.
I am tired of crying the whole night those who don’t even deserve a single thought of my mind.
I am even tired of being who I am… and with all of this, I’d say: enough!!