Goodbye trust

I am Zahra, and here is my story with “trust”
Few years ago, I took the bus. An old man was sitting just in front of me. He looked at me, I smiled. He said: my daughter, you have an angelic face.
I smiled again, I thanked him, and I said: his words are so trusted. Was I right? I don’t think so.

I had after that a friend, he asked me borrow him money, I trusted him, and I did.
I never got it back but I said: he is a friend, let us just not care…
Then I met a girl, she called me “best friend”. I was so affected..I said: she knows what she is doing, let us give her some trust.

Couple of weeks later, I went somewhere with other friends, I didn’t call her to come with me….She called and made me hear very disrespectful words.
Then I decided to buy a computer, I went to the shop. The guy was so religious; all his sentences were starting with the name of God. I said he deserves to be trusted. He sold me a machine that stopped working three months later and refused to refund me.

Then I went to university and had to prepare projects in groups. We divided the tasks… I said lets trust them and count on them to finish their parts. The day of the presentation nothing was ready.
Then I had a relative starting his own business in pastry. He asked for my help. I dedicated all my days long to teach him and lunch his business. I said: he is absolutely trusted.

Few times later, I was on a bed at hospital for a trauma caused by violent blows on my head. He was responsible.
Then I met a boy. He told me:” I am different from all people you know…I will always be right there for you”…I loved him, and said who else except this one deserves my trust?

From that day, I didn’t hear from him.
Recently,
I took the bus. An old lady told me: you have such nice eyes. I told her: you still can find much better
Then I met someone, she said: we are best friends. I told her: I don’t deserve to be trusted. I am a selfish one, so be aware
I went to a shop to buy something. The guy said: it is a good product. I replied: don’t add a word, I am a better marketer.

Someone asked me to borrow her money. I said: I will give you the half of what you need, because I don’t want it back.
I met a boy. He told me: you have the most beautiful smile never seen.
I told him: your vocab needs some updates.
I might get experience, from what life inflects to me. I might learn more. I might suffer and feel better. I might know who my friends are; I might get my heart back as I might not

But I am sure..No one will get my trust…. As long as I am alive….
And this was my story with the trust.

A word to myself

A rainy day filled my hours in the most disliked city of the world.
I decided today to get some rest. With the cold outside, I sat under my cover for the whole day.
I am planning tomorrow to have one of these long walks to take a breath.
Since couple of weeks, I am having a deep feeling of loneliness even though I am surrounded by billion people nearly all the day.
I was walking last week and looking at people passing by; and for the first time, I felt stranger.
Stranger on what I thought was my land. From this time, I took couple of decisions.
I decided to have a new friend: myself. I am sure this new one will always understand me
I decided to leave. I might not feel better, but I won’t feel worse.
I decided to fight for my values, even if they make this entire planet pissed off.
I decided also not to forgive myself for the mistakes I have committed. This is the only way to be sure that I won’t make them anymore.
The events of the second semester of 2010 are still hurting me deep inside. I find it absolutely hard to move on.
Some people suggested me to add this to my experience about life, others to put it on the count of fate and destiny. Myself, I put it on the list of what my unborn children will never face as long as I am alive beside them.
I think that my biggest lose is the ability to trust. Today, all my relationships are professional and I don’t want them to get closer than this. I don’t have this desire to be who I used to be, 6 months ago.
And I think…. I think that about human being rights and values I understood a lot.
I understood that I should help everyone, admire few ones, but trust and love no one.
I understood finally the difference between what we need and what we want.
I understood that who we love aren’t necessary those who should be loved, that love isn’t about sacrifices but about self satisfaction that is also based on satisfying those occupying a place in our hearts.
I don’t have many hopes to myself in this side, except that my loved ones: Mom, dad and few other ones will remember the best of me, if they have to remember me someday
But I sincerely wish that till that unexpected day in which my kids will come to this world, law will set new articles to save the humanity of real human beings.

DZ LAND

I have always considered myself as a citizen of this world.
I don’t know f I should worry because I don’t have any special feeling toward any particular land on this earth but I do admit that this sensation is the best.
I like Algeria for so many reasons. The passport and Identity card are green which is my favorite color. We have this city called Tlemcen that I discovered recently, where all boys wish to marry for I don’t know which reason.
Food is cheap, and so are the stomacher medicines.
But Algeria isn’t only this.
3rd dirtiest county.
To across 3 km you need more than 3 hours with the traffic jump.
You can never know at what time the bus comes, so most of people think that you are an irresponsible person when you give an appointement and you don’t reach it on time.
To get your papers at the town council you need (Ma3rifa) which is basically knowing someone who works there to make it easy for you to get what you have all the rights to get it.
I went once at 9Am, I took a ticket, it was number 100. I went home and came back around 3pm. They were still at number 300 of the previous account.. So I understood that I had to came back the next day at the same time…
I asked once for 2 residence certificates because in the administration they asked me to bring two. The guy told me: oh no, I will give you only one….
I don’t know why did he give me just one?! He only had to put the tracing paper to get as many copies as he wants by writing only one certificate.
My mom went once to get me a certificate of birth. They told her we can’t give it to you, ask your daughter to come personally. It seems that they didn’t believe that she was my mom, right?

Job interviews are my best part.
I applied for a job couple of weeks ago. I had three interviews, two of them in English and the interviewer didn’t understand a word..Opps: he forgot to mention that he doesn’t speak it.
After that I started working, so In order to keep their superiority, some of my mates started saying that I over estimate myself.



That’s actually a big issue with Algerians.
I swear I wish to be other than what I am but I can’t manage it.
It isn’t me who says that I am a hotel manager but the executive decree N° 94-255. I bet that law doesn’t lie, right?
Relationships and love…What am I supposed to start with?
I was working in that hotel when a client came to the reception.
I took his identity card and started filling his profile, then I looked at him and I noticed he was stressed..
I asked: is everything ok, sir?
He replied: please hurry up!! This is my weeding night..
I put my pen, I couldn’t finish that check in. I went to the back office and wondered why from the 100 hormones in the human body, the Algerians have only one that works.
I do believe that no Algerian has over came the frustration of sex. This makes it hard for me to be in a relationship for the coming century.
I met once a friend of mine and I asked her to go for shopping.
I stopped at a shop attracted by small red shoes for babies. I told her that I would really love to have one someday.
She told me: why don’t you just do like me and get married?
I remembered the unidentified creature she is married to, spending his days along sleeping, eating, getting fat and using a vulgar language.
I told her: this is the difference between us, you needed a sperm distributer, but I need a man.

Excuse my words if you don’t agree with them but it seems that my life took a big turner on the 6th of June 2010.
I believe much more in my values since that day, and I am quite sure that somewhere in this universe there is a land where people can simply deal with my rationality which is killing me slowly in Algeria.
I gave one promise to myself. The next 6th of June, that I doubt the concerned one about it will remember it with me, will be my last day here
I don’t know where will my hopes take me but I am quite convinced my mind will suffer less anywhere out of Algiers 

PS: I love you

I am not sure of knowing the real reason that make people fight for life. Is it power, wealth, knowledge, love, or something else?
I am not sure of anyone of them but I am quite convinced that whatever they could be, they are for sure different from mines, and here my story starts.
In his book: “The world as I see it”, Einstein said: “ We exist for those on whose smiles and welfare all our happiness depends”. The day I read it, then looked at people around me, I realized that this deep sense of life is just like his riddle, that 98% of the population of the world wouldn’t understand.
I remember myself, couple of months ago. I was still student full of hopes and dreams. At that time, my vision about life was too scary. Losing was one of the words that I could do anything to avoid it.
This fear made me unable to take any step in my personal life and professional career even though I have always known that I was able and I could, with the motivation and ambition that I have, reach up to the sky.
In the middle of these feelings, I didn’t realize that I was about to live the biggest experience of my entire life.
A winter day of a sweet November, a random meeting that leaded to a pure friendship, moments of laughter and joy, so many crazy situations, strongly trusted feelings and wonderful sense of share .
It was the beginning of a sweet story, that unfortunately came to end. An end that ended every gentle feeling of trust inside of me forever.
I have known the meaning of sacrifices, which is basically doing what we don’t want to do or we can’t do, because we just have to do it and because it is the only way to save some people’s smile.
On this way, I have done a lot. I have done what went completely against my personality and my spirit and I told myself: you will be the winner because you will die remembering smiles you have drawn, not hearts you have broken.
I don’t know where my way of thinking will lead me to, I don’t if my principles are the right ones on this planet.
Today, I truly believe that all relationships between people have an expiry date, and what hurts more isn’t the end, or the loose but the feeling that what we have believed in wasn’t that true.
It’s this total conviction that we build a wrong image to someone and we refuse to see the reality even when all the world around us is trying to help to over come it.
I am today someone new, someone who can smile whatever happens.
The traffic jump of Algiers doesn’t annoy me. I walk under the rains and I don’t complain.
I eat anything that I like just to have the energy to crunch life and get the best of it.
I don’t give a shit to people’s opinions when they try to touch my personality.
I am just too optimist without anything and that’s actually my true victory against the pains.
I bet that once trust is lost there is no way to get it back and I am so sorry for those who lost mine.
but any way, this is just how life goes…
And as I always say: the best challenge in life isn’t about reaching its aims in life but it is about reaching them without causing damages around us.

I thank all of you for reading.

l'histoire de la fille, du mec et de la relation

Je dédie cette histoire à toutes les personnes dont les neurones sont présents en quantité assez basse pour comprendre le langage du cœur d’un être amoureux.
Il était une fois, une fille, un mec et une relation. Les trois se lancèrent sur un chemin d’une chose très simple que les humains tentent à tout prix de compliquer : « la vie ».
A la recherche de la paix de l’âme, la fille se lança dans une recherche très profonde mais peu absurde : celle de l’amour.
Elle rencontra après avoir quitté son petit chalet le boulanger de son village : c’était un homme sympathique, travailleur, sérieux, responsable, drôle et il avait du pain gratuit tous les jours !
Ce dernier désira construire une relation avec elle. Elle l’observa pendant quelques minutes et réalisa qu’avec lui, certes elle ne manquera pas de pain, ni de chaleur (émanant du four) mais elle ne sera jamais comblée, car quelque chose manque à cette relation.
C’est en fait, une bonne relation, hélas pas avec la bonne personne.
A quelque centaines de kilomètres elle rencontra un nouvel homme, dans son lieu de travail. Plutôt gentil, intelligent, d’une certaine classe, bien habillé, bien éduqué, avec un bon boulot, de l’argent (si ceci fait plaisir à certaines), une bonne façon de s’exprimer. Bref, il avait tout pour qu’elle le prenne mais même cette fois-ci, elle refusa de le faire, car au milieu de cette perfection, quelque chose manquait. Quelque chose qui ferait que tout le reste serait juste une éphémère condition.
C’était encore une fois, une bonne relation.
La petite fille n’abandonna pas, et continua son parcours, et c’est ainsi qu’après des milliards de kilomètres, elle rencontra par hasard, un homme. Un homme comme des centaines d’autres : égoïste, désagréable, méchant et cruel . A celui la, elle s’arrangea toujours pour trouver des justifications à ses faits et gestes. Avec lui, tout était beau et tout méritait le sacrifice.
C’était le parfait imparfait, si j’ose décrire l’amour avec ces mots.
Et enfin, c’était la bonne personne.
La bonne relation ne veut pas toujours dire qu’on est avec la bonne personne.
Avec la bonne personne on ne peut pas toujours avoir la bonne relation.
J’espère qu’après avoir lu et compris cette petite histoire, certains vont arrêter de dire : « vous êtes tellement belle, comment ça se fait que vous êtes célibataire ? »
« Vous cherchez une relation sérieuse ? » (au lieu de dire : « vous cherchez la bonne personne ? »
Et surtout, nombreux cesseront de prendre le cœur humain pour une machine à « shift Supp » qui peut oublier les plus beaux sentiments dédiés à la BONNE personne même si on n’a jamais eu avec elle la BONNE relation.
Merci

The realities of my moral pain (2)

My mother
The 79th day of my moral pain
I have spent long time telling to everyone that i belong to the cathegory of people who do not beleieve in true love. I tried my hard to prove it and Iwas quite sure of what I was saying.
So many people tried to convince me telling me about their love stories, but I am pretty sure this isn’t always true.
Today in my heart, I hold two people, just two. The first one is my mom. The only one that I sincerely hope God won’t take from me.
My mom and I started living together when I entered the high school. After my parents divorced, she stayed alone in another city and used to come to visit me from time to time.
It was so hard for me to see my mom leaving when her vacation ends. I think that this was one of the biggest things that weakened my heart and my personality.
I know today that my mom’s happiness stops at my success in life and I know also that my life is completely fucked up.
Since few days my moral state really reached a bad situation. I am not even caring or excepting people to do anything for me because I feel that I am finished.
I have lost all desires to do everything and honestly no one and nothing matters me except my mom and the fears of making her disappointed with this state I am in.
I wish if I could have brothers and sisters so that my mom can feel happier with.
My mistakes make me feel guilty towards her because I know she scarified a lot for me and today I am not able to give her back anything,
I am not able to work, to offer her a house, to take her for trips, to make her smile or simply invite her for a tea.
I sincerely hope that my mom will forgive me for who I am today because I am not proud of it.
And I wish that God will give me just a small power to do something with myself to draw a smile on the sun that brightens my life: my mom.

The realities of my moral pain (1)

My grand mother
On my way to find the true reasons of my moral pain that is taking the shit out of me, and in continuation of my articles “this life of mine”, I judged necessary for myself and the few ones who care for me to talk about what plays a huge role in hurting my smile daily.
I remember the first article i published about my grandmother few months ago, and I remember also that I adopted a funny style in writing it for my Spanish classes.
From that time till now, many things changed in my grand mom’s attitude but unfortunately not to the best.
In the Algerian culture; there is a proverb that I absolutely don’t believe in, which says: more precious than the son, is the son of the son.
It means that the grandson is supposed to be loved by his grandparents much more than his dad or mom.
To some extends, this is true! My grandparents do love their grandsons as much as they hate me, and I might seem mad if I tell you that it doesn’t surprise me because I am a real individual who doesn’t fake a smile to get benefit and this is the real difference between me and the others.
Even though my situation seems to some of my friends a simple one, for me, it doesn’t.
I just spent three days on this article and I am still not done with it. Whenever I remember something to post, I feel terribly bad that I stop directly writing.
Many words would join each other to describe her behavior: jalousy, madness, love of control, lack of interest from her sons and daughters.
I don’t know which one is exactly the right feeling that she is using against me but I am quite convinced that what she does isn’t for my benefit.
I realized recently that I am losing the smallest rights that you all live with and don’t even think of because they are too obvious.
I can’t take showers whenever I want, she thinks I am exaggerating with water and I have to pay the bills.
I never use the phone but I have to pay their communications just because I need an active landline to maintain my connection working.
When I decide to cook, I have no right to use the vegetables at home. I need to go to get myself what I need and above all, no one eats except me and my mom.
She insults me because I used to be a university student. Studies are for men only!

When we are eating all together and she doesn’t like something in her plate, she takes it and throw it into mine..This makes me sick, and what makes me feel worse is to remember that she was the one behind the incident that happened to me last march; an incident that changed my whole life and made of me a real bad person following my own judgment.
Remembering these events affect my mind a lot. I am sincerely feeling terribly bad day by day and being surrounded by people like her doesn’t help me to fix myself.
The 10th week of my moral pain, and I am sure that this free fall will last for quite long time. I am disgusted of the whole of the world and sincerely nothing and no one can draw a smile on lips for the present moment.
I hope that God, the biggest and the only one present for all his creatures will be beside me and won’t leave me alone.