A flor de piel

Este articulo nació con un sentimiento y con un sentimiento lo voy a acabar 
Las once...No sé por qué estoy escribiendo y tampoco sé sobre qué tengo que escribir.
Quería dormir, la verdad es que me siento muy débil con todas las tonterías que gasto mi energía haciéndolas cada día.
Estoy viviendo un tipo de paro intelectual y psicológico que afecta en gran cuantidad mi habilidad para estudiar y concentrarme en lo que debo hacer.
Me extraña muchísimo escribir en castellano, después de tanta ausencia
En realidad, tenía ganas de poner con mis notas algo que recordaré después de algunos meses teniendo la convicción total de que la mayoría de mis amigos, por problemas de idioma, no puedan entender.
Quería sentirme libre al escribir lo que me dicta la fragilidad enorme que conducta mis decisiones estos días.
Ya no puedo aguantar más, quiero que se acabe este año, lo antes posible..Para que pueda empezar algo nuevo sin tener este sentimiento de que todo a mí alrededor se desploma.
Me gustaría poder creer en mis locuras y mentiras de un cobarde durante algunos segundos para poder, por fin, ver el mundo colorado.
Deseos como estos, os aseguro que tengo en exceso pero estrategias para llegar a satisfacer lo que el ser humano necesita para sentirse bien, no la puedo encontrar.
Por eso, decidí dejar de hacer lo que quiero y concentrarme en lo que puedo obtener.
Yo creo muchísimo en el destino, tanto come creo en Dios y esta creencia es tan sincera que me lleva al otro lado del pensamiento..
Hace pocas semanas, empecé a desafiar la voluntad de lo que controla mi vida y la de todas las criaturas... Estoy desafiando el destino sin saber a dónde voy con todo esto.
El año 2010 me llevó muchísimas sorpresas inesperadas en el plan profesional y sentimental.
Cometí un montón de errores eligiendo las personas que, en principio, compartían mis elecciones pero que al final, se arreglaron para llevarme al fundo del mal estar..Hasta sentirme “a flor de piel”
De ellos, un pequeñito grupo sigue formando parte de mi mundo, y de la vida de muy pocos sigo formando parte, yo.

Os agradezco la lectura..

I have a feeling (4)

I sat with a cup of coffee, after taking a long bath and a good pain killer to get rid of the headache I was having, in front of my computer to check my emails. I have the feeling that the world is changing and people around me are getting much more complicated each day while my life on the same far and deserted planet is getting simpler. I am happy with that. Yes, I am….

I have a question for you….

Have you ever wondered how would your life be if you no longer take part of it?
I am sure you did; and you wrote long pages talking about your parents and your relatives and how much you will miss them, about your cat and who will feed it when you pass away, about your first love and the honey moon you dreamed of, about God, about your secrets, the craziest ones, about your professors at university, especially the ones you don’t stand, about the challenges you took, and the ones you wish you could have few more hours to live to accomplish them, about your grandmother if you got one like mine who makes you sick when she starts frying the chips of the lunch at 8 am just to wake you up.

I am sure you’d have written much more than what I mentioned above because death is for you an entire end that deserves all those noble, sensitive, sincere, and regretted thoughts that you, absolutely, wished to share if you were alive.

It is such a confusing feeling to realize that death isn’t just this end that you identify when you stop breathing, and your heart stops beating, when you just leave forever and your whole body becomes totally and wholly useless.

For me, things are quite dead these days…I have the feeling that my life is going without me.
It is like if I was observing my days, my dreams, my friends, and my whole and entire world from an external position.

I don’t know if my life needs some order to be set in it. I don’t know if I should get back to some old addictions..Well, I am already back to the bad ones: drinking coffee, and tea to spend the biggest part of the night awake thinking and rethinking without getting to any optimum solution.

The presentation of my thesis is getting closer and it stresses me a lot. I don’t want to disappoint the hopes that my mom put on me. This pressure makes me sick… at a certain time we stop doing what we want and we start focusing on doing what other people would love to see us doing.

We stop taking decisions according to what we want and we concentrate on what the whole society would think once our action plan is launched. This is how most people are living nowadays and it is unfortunately, the only way that I can’t follow..I hate to be under any kind of control, especially when this one confuses my thoughts and devour my highest motivations.

I am not sure of having on my surrounding ones the best impression and impact ever seen but I do believe in one life style: “being myself, and put all factors on my side for what I badly want, defeat my doubts before trying to put the responsibility on fate.”

Till this late time came, all I can do is to enjoy being who I am, wishing that the human beings start to set to themselves further limits when their freedom of speech and actions are concerned.

Thank you for reading!

I have a feeling (3)

Feet on earth
Another lazy day covered by the shining sun of a Saturday morning started on this land that I love and hate at the same time.
I woke up so late that I didn’t even smell the coffee that I used to taste in my room in front of the window looking at the sea or may be just letting my thoughts melt in it, each morning before going to school.
I no longer have to do that. School is finished and so do many parts of my life.
In the middle of the darkness of the spirit, the soul, the mind, destiny and my hopes; I am trying to find a way.. A way to come back to myself and make of these sweetest dreams a reality.
I would like to make of peace and happiness two rules conducting people’s life. I want poverty to end. I wish that all kids could have parents and go to school.
I wish if my humble existence could bring something new, something flattering to this great world that I still don’t know more than 1% of it.
I hope that God forgives me and forgive all people, and I wish that I can be the one I have always dreamed of.
I have changed. Yes! I did..I still dream but I dream differently..I dream according to my abilities. This is not a lake of confidence or fears from challenges. It is just what I call:” going on, with feet on earth”
2010 will end soon. It is true that I am not that satisfied with what I have done in it. It was a challenging year on the emotional plan, and I, still, didn’t get rid of all the injuries I caused to myself with the wrong decisions I took.
I hardly believe that fate drove me to what I found myself in. I prefer to convince myself that I took part of the wrong dreams and I inlayed myself in lives that I was not supposed to be part of.
But anyhow..It happened and it did, for sure, for a reason that I will realize sooner or later….
I have spent Sunday’s night in a deep feeling of nostalgia with the memories of my best years. It was so affecting, so touching, so meaningful, so true…to look back at the past without regrets even if the present doesn’t seem to be that promising.
From my planet; I thank all of you for reading.

An Algerian relationship

An Algerian relationship.
The idea of writing this article came to my mind when I went for shopping with my mother where I observed some couples walking in the street.
I have celebrated recently my twenty second birthday and I till now, I have never been in a date with any Algerian boy. However, my interests concerning the Algerian way of dating, having a girl friend, or just hooking up are quite high and thirsty.
I do believe that I have a weird way of loving and this difference makes it hard for me to be with someone here in Algeria. My only boy friend was a foreigner and the way of dating him was absolutely different from what I see in the Algerian streets.
I base my choices and decisions on personal convictions that very few Algerians would understand, and the ones who do, are good friends of mine.

I am sure that most of girls don’t share my humble opinion and I don’t blame them for that since I find it hard also to understand how can they date this way?
Algerian dates are based on money; food, and frustration, three miserable reasons that make me stay on the safe side, till I leave this country.
I was walking with my mother today and at a certain time we decided to stop for lunch. It was absolutely impossible to find a restaurant where most of people aren’t couples.
When you date someone, the only place he can take you to, is a fast food (if he is jobless) and a restaurant (if he has some more dinars in his pockets).
I am not against the idea of doing it when it is followed by other kinds of activities that can make you know better the guy/ the girl you are with… When all your dates have the same plan and the same logic, they get quite boring.. I started even to believe that dating for Algerians means feeding a hungry girl.

If it isn’t to restaurants, then to gardens that you are taken. Of course, the Algerian gardens have no relationship with the Victoria towers ones. Actually, its quality isn’t my main worry. I should think more about what the Algerian law calls: affective demonstration in public, which- open well your ears- concerns even taking your girl friend hand.
I bet, José, while reading this article will remember the day we nearly ended up in prison because he put his hand on my shoulder in public. I knew at that time why are all Algerians frustrated with sex.

So in order to avoid this quite embarrassing and terrifying situation with the police, couples prefer to hide and for this, they chose hostels which are established in various small and dirty streets of the capital.
Algeria, more than being a Muslim country, is a closed one because of its traditions and customs.

I met few people who had the opportunity to know what sexual education means. It just explains why most of my friends make me shut up when in a public debate I use the word “sex”.
The sexual frustration of people around me surprises me a lot. It is hard to date someone who doesn’t think of leading to a sexual practice, and that’s what those small hostels are made for.

I do admit that sex is part of any relationship because by definition: a boy friend is a friend who attracts you, and this last one is based on desire.
Most of my friends take big pleasure in calling me:”incompetent lover” because they find it hard to believe that I could date and stay a virgin kisser at the same time.
To rule the world, we really need to make work the strongest parts of the body and sex is just part of the human being weakness.

Money in Algeria brings love. You would be dated if you have a nice car, a credit card and if your swatch is a true one.
Control is an aspect of the Algerian date also. At a certain time of the relationship, you start wondering if what you have is a boy friend or a husband, something that drives me completely mad.
I do believe in the individuality of each human being and his total freedom to act the way he wants without having anyone on his back asking him to stop doing this, to avoid meeting that one, to change the way of clothing or to obey to what doesn’t suit the personal choices that make a human being feel happy in his element.

I still have one more year to spend here in Algeria, I am sure I will learn more and discover more astonishing things that I will share with all of you within my pure analyze but I still doubt that my heart can beat someday inside this high level of insanity, dissatisfaction and lack of trust and understanding where people judge you as they want to.

Thank you.

I have a feeling (2)

After some days of hard work, excitement and over doses of energy, I wake up today completely dead. I am having a very lazy day..I feel sick and can’t concentrate with anything..
I realized that working during the night time doesn’t help to fix the deadline problem. Things might simply get worse because during the day, I felt so sleepy with this body totally emptied from its energy. I have to admit that 1am is not my best time to think intelligently.

Today was also my second day with the Algerian cakes classes. The group is getting larger, the cakes more sophisticated, and my abilities more efficient. Most of my mates are old ladies or married women and the subjects they talk about aren’t of a single interest for me. I just found a new way of being silent.

One of the ladies was talking about her life and her stepmother during the class then asked me if I was married. The only smart answer I could give her is that I believe in one God and I am not ready to have a second one.

I am having two main obsessions these days: finishing my project and getting a master opportunity.
The rest seems like an absolute bullshit. I have never spent such a long period in such a confusing mood. I strongly believe that it was due to some bad steps and wrong decisions that I don’t regret anyway but I simply would love to get rid of their consequences the soonest possible.
The stress of the final project presentation has already started taking part of each second of my day… I could, after breaking up and getting all my mental capacities back, to get to the top of the list in the last results of my university and this performance is a real incommodity.
I feel like if I am living in the middle of a jungle without any efficient arm to defend myself, and this showed up another aspect of my personality that I don’t appreciate that much.
I have always believed that being nice and loving would lead to peace all over the world but since I started hating some people, I noticed that I could get my rights back easily.
Well, it is the best proof that the books of psychology I spent long months reading them were a total fake. Most of the meanings that I attribute to things had to change because I was going on the wrong way.
And on this wrong way, I am followed by people taking part of it by interpreting badly what I say or what I do. It drives me sick because I am a person who doesn’t make others read between the lines. What I have in mind, I am enough brave to share it since life doesn’t represent this saint great, wonderful, irresistible, inspiring, attaching and only reason to exist.
A recent post I shared reminded me the brother I have who I met for less than 10 min.
I was sitting in front of him when his mom asked me to eat some fruits.. I thanked her for that and said that I wasn’t hungry because I ate in my uncle’s house just before coming.
My brother stood up and replied me: you are called flower so you should know how to take a flower from each place you go to.
My post was about boys and I used a metaphor to describe some of them who start seriously to make me fed up with their non sense requests..
In this note I wanted to get rid of the bees around me, and this egoist, selfish, dirty, and inhuman comment reminds me strongly my brother “Bilal”, and makes me smile 
After meeting who were supposed to be my real family, I felt kind of emotionally confused, weak and empty. This emptiness is unbelievable when you are surrounded by billion of people caring for you, but still I really appreciate it because it gives me enough reasons to concentrate on useful and beneficial stuffs.
I have the feeling that something new and completely unpredicted has to happen to me: just like travelling to a weird place, tasting a dirty food, or dressing like an idiot and walk in the streets of Algiers. I need to overcome my limits before the final project presentation and before my energy explode somewhere else.
From Algiers, in this rainy day.I thank all of you for reading.

I have a feeling (1)

The week I spent in the country side was so full of emotions and fun that I am still thinking of till now.
I ate a lot… Well, I mean I tasted so many spicy dishes. I met people I didn’t see for long time.
I wore traditional dresses that I wouldn’t have imagined myself putting.
I lived a nice experience attending the parties there and I honestly felt much better just because I was far away from everything with no work, no people to tire my mind, no laptop to reply emails and no phone.
Their daily life over there is quite hard, full of bullshits that they spend their whole days talking about. I interacted very few times during their conversations. I am generally a silent person and I don’t like to talk that much. I guess they felt somehow uncomfortable because of that.
I had recently lots of surprises that emptied my body from its positive energy. My boy friend left definitely and this had a big effect on me. I feel a big emptiness that I am not able to fill with anything else.
I think, after analyzing the facts and circumstances that my real feeling is disappointment. I am not mad, not sad and not relieved. I am sticking with one word: “why”.
My boy friend wasn’t the biggest deal of my life. He was one of those thousands of people who come and go leaving their print or taking it with them once they change their convictions, something that I hardly understand and absolulty don’t follow.
I am living in a superficial world that has already lost its values. People are looking for the fame, for the material wealth, for the highest positions and their hypocrisy to reach those objectives.
I might seem a total idiot for those who don’t believe in the after death, but since we are all going to leave this world without taking anything from it with us, better to behave correctly and give the best and the sincerest impression that a human being is considered for.

No matter how much I trusted, I appreciated, I felt disappointed, I loved and hated, I am careless about the feeling I have at the end because I am quite convinced: it is temporary and its expiry date will come someday. May be not in today’s life but surely before I completely leave it.

My life without me.....By Zahra.B

I am alive… I have repeated this sentence so many times during the last days, and you will probably know why, if you have followed my recent posts.
Now, after experiencing such a horrible thing, I realize what does having more days to live, mean.

I knew my limits, they were much restricted than the ones I set to myself; my rights, the lost ones. I knew the feeling of insecurity, the feeling of being alone to fight and I finally realized that at my 22 years old, I can’t start a war, I have to do with small battles till I get much stronger than this.

The idea of being my auto-defender was a hypothesis that I confirmed after this event.
Today, 21 days after the famous night that taught me the hard way to count on one and only one person: myself, I don’t feel ok.
Nor my family either my friends or lover gave a shit to whether my physical or my emotional pains.
This is not hard. It is just killing.

I am disgusted of people, of the Algerian system, of the associations of help that wait for you to die to do something, I am disgusted of those I loved and cared about who left me when I needed them.
I am disgusted of my incapacity to act, of my tears, of the awful feelings I have, of the nightmares filling what used to be my nice moments of sweet dreams.
And I am so sorry to see my life going without me….
I miss my smile, my energy, my hard working spirit, my shining days, my dreams, the ones I left and the ones that left me.
I miss being myself. I miss getting back to a normal life. I miss getting up in the morning with a positive thinking without remembering again that part of my human being existence that had gone forever.
I, honestly, miss so many other things that may be for you are so banal, so usual, so evident but which became for me needs that I am not able to satisfy.
It seems that Maslow has created a weird pyramid. Except breathing, there is no other need I will reach being a third world citizen.