Friday, September 20, 2013
The biggest insane wish of my life was to love and be loved madly. Yet, I don’t know how realistic can wishes be. I also don’t know how probable it is to be loved back or to love back same time. On my list of contacts, not the facebook but the real one, I am mostly surrounded by people who advise what they can never do. I am so fond of them because they don’t stop teaching me good lessons to better behave. I wish if they could make their ethics work from time to time to let it guide them to the right way. Anyway, this is not our subject for today. So once, when I debated this subject with one of them, he told me: relationship is about how much you can bare the other. I don’t think this is what relationship means but this is deeper. This is what might love mean. In my heart, I hold someone and I think each day my love gets purer, bigger, and more respectful and ready for sacrifices. I quite doubt that I am loved back but honestly, the ability to love is a blessing from God and I am so thankful God gave it to me. So first, when you love, you don’t believe it. Then you start running away to see how it feels, then you feel your brain is out of control, then you start asking people around you if they think you look like someone loving. So you continue doing such idiot things for long time, just the way I did, till you realize that you had the answer since the beginning and you just couldn’t see it, too much blinded by the other and ignoring yourself and all what yourself does. Yes, it is about the small details that you forget about. It is about how calm you keep in a moment of fight, and then you forgive quickly. It is when you are mad and not talking to him, but yet you can’t stop taking care of him. It is when it should be whether you or him and you don’t think twice: it is him. It is the small loving note that you leave, or the bar of chocolate you bring to him, as foolish as it seems to be. It is when you know you can’t but for him, you feel you can. It is when your lips can’t say it but your eyes definitely do: I really care for you. It is also when you have to let it go or to simply walk away. It is when your happiness comes in second place. It is when your egoism whispers but love shouts high so that you only do good things. And above all, it is when you can admit with no shame for the good it gives you and the good you offer.
Friday, May 24, 2013
I don’t remember much from the Spanish classes I took years ago on which I invested money, time and energy meaningfully but the feckless me could keep in memory one of the most powerful questions never asked: “are we truly free to be happy?” Along my lonely journey trying to figure out what can truly make us, humans freely happy, I’ve been through billion of words defining what I call scanty happiness. “Happiness is making people around you happy” which is true but conditioned by others; what they want and how satisfied they are with what you do for them. I have personally invested a lot on it, not because I had to but just because I truly wanted to. I went beyond my limits so many times thinking this could give a meaning to my senseless life but I was mostly confronted to dissatisfaction that put me on edge which is not among the best motivational elements for my miserable optimism. “Happiness is doing what you love and loving what you do” which is also right but limited to the things you can do meanwhile there might be plenty of others that you are unable to make that could make you happier. So these two statements are for me, few ones among the billion of conditions that can interfere between you and happiness. There are those conditions related to you, just like: lack of belief on what you want, lack of trust, lack of courage to walk forward. Others related to your environment: political, economic, geographical, social and religious barriers. For a friend of mine, happiness would be living in Australia which he can’t afford. For another one, it is having her family beside her which she can’t make because she has to study abroad. For some, it is a peaceful life away free from discrimination that society keeps inflecting to them. Indeed, happiness is so under dependency which quite foils me. Me who has been looking for ages for what could take my pure feelings higher than what they continuously, strongly and truly make the world around me feel and appreciate. Keeping hope that someday, somewhere with someone I will finally taste this happiness, I keep on drawing a discrete smile on my lips with unexpected moments of happiness met fortuitously to insert in my heart an eternal memory of joy
Friday, January 18, 2013
I knew it was going to be something new, something unbelievable; something that billion of people would give their all to have it just once in a life time. I knew it was going to be my so wanted occasion to give, to give truly, to give from my heart. I knew it was going to be the first time that I feel unable to answer questions addressed to myself. I knew it was not going to remain there forever. I knew it had an expiry date. I knew it would never be as I want it to be. I knew what I would have loved not to know. I knew it would make me miserable someday, break my world and build it again with a mediocre word or a feelingless look. I knew all of that, but I knew that I wanted it more than any precious thing in my life. And now, that I know it has to go away I know that I have given for the first time with every inch of me and said bullshits that no matter how silly or childish they seemed, they were just so true.