Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Enough for this year :)

23 :00
After a walk in this hot evening of ramadan, i came back home to sit like every night in front of my computer.
Honestly, there isn’t much to do. Nothing to watch on TV and people seem to prefer staying each one in his own corner instead of visiting their relatives and enjoying the blessing moments of this month.
I am getting back to some good habits, just like praying In nights and doing my best to be a less bad person on this earth.
However, I started to get addicted to some annoying behaviors just like drinking a lot of coffee, and tea to stop my eternal headache that doesn’t leave me the whole of the day.
I am sleeping these days with the radio on, and even with this one, I find it hard to close my eyes.
My physical state is completely affected by the moral one: melancholy, abulia. God! What is next?!
I have to say that I am really in the middle of nowhere this time, and my worries are quite serious.
Since few days, I sat with myself and thought again of all what happened to me this year to find what is actually, going wrong.
I wish I didn’t do it. I wish I could be stupid in order not to realize the impurity of people and the reality of my world…
My moral pain is still the same, I am feeling worse each day and I really don’t know what to do to bring myself up.
I spend long nights thinking and thinking…I hope I could think of something nice, but all I remember is the bad things that happened to me since the last trip that I had to France, then the incident of march, the graduation time with hard work and pressure, my broken heart that trusted people who don’t even know what trust means, then the trip to Oran and the shocks that I got in some sensitive actions of VIH prevention.
I thought that I have overcame all these steps and I am stronger now, but I just realized that I am still in a real shit with these feelings.
For the first time in my life, I felt the real need of help but unfortunately, I am alone to face all of this.
It is like if you tend your hand and you find no other one to take it in the other side.
Believe me, such a feeling can’t be new, I was just too happy, and too available to all of them that I didn’t see the truth of each one of my pretended “friends”.
I am tired with this feeling of permanent sadness, tired of looking at myself in the mirror and realizing that my sweet smile is no longer on my lips.
I am tired of crying the whole night those who don’t even deserve a single thought of my mind.
I am even tired of being who I am… and with all of this, I’d say: enough!!

Thursday, August 19, 2010

A moral pain

Under heavy rains in the capital of Algeria, I set in front of my computer, in my room that got a new purple color, well chosen by mom, to think of my life.
This weather makes me so nostalgic and melancholic at the same time. I spent all the evening listening to music and looking at some pictures that I wish to wake up someday and find them totally erased from my memory. Well, this is my actual state since 2 weeks.
Ramadan started and so did the pleasures of Muslim people praying, reading the sacred Coran and getting closer to God with each single good action they can do.
From my side, as set in my plans, I got back to some old good habits and I am quite happy with that.
I hardly feel the time going… with a friend of mine, we decided to work for a restaurant as volunteers to serve food to poor people. It is really amazing!
This is concerning the positive aspects of my days…
I have a strong feeling that I am going through the hardest period of my entire life.
I am losing my smile like I have never done before. Jobless, heartbroken, I miss my daddy, I need holidays, I want to study, I want to make my mummy happy, I have enough motivation to build a career with what I love doing. I want to move on so many things that are still taking the shit out of me, and I realize in the middle of all of this, that I am alone to fight.
But fight against what? Against fate, against my mistakes, against luck, against the impurity of people or against myself. It just looks like a war, a big one, in which my weapons are too weak, too frail and helpless to defend the sensitive one I am.
I find it so hard to understand the world. This feeling drives me mad.
We judge according to our own parameters but we refuse to be judged the same way. We can’t handle people’s sincerity because we are too afraid of the good things that God, fate, luck or whatever you believe in, offers us.
I assure you that all the mathematical theories that I spent long years learning couldn’t help that much in such a place with such an irresponsible behavior that people adopt.
At the end, I don’t know… I just don’t know…
If it is me who should change. And if so, then what am I supposed to change?
My kindness? Because it is too much. I am sorry, I didn’t create myself, God did
My hopes? Because they won’t come true. I am a big dreamer so let me be.
My attitude? Because it isn’t similar to yours. I thought differences make the diversity of this world.
But it seems that according to you, I am a total shit committing a big mistake. A mistake that is teaching me the hard way about your impurity, instead of teaching of me about myself.
But I assure you… I am not happy with that…
I am afraid as I have never been. Afraid of what? I don’t know exactly. And in the middle of my tears, I feel this moral pain that gets worse day by day, even though I know, I am not guilty.
May be things had just to go this way.
May be, it isn’t true to think that we can chose absolutely everything in our lives.
May be, things have to happen for a specific reason that I sincerely hope to see soon, to bring myself up and cheer up.
I am not sure that I am getting my smile back. This time, it was seriously taken from me and I am just so sorry for what was inflected to my soul.
However, I am quite convinced that sooner or later, I will take my revenge… I will do in a good way because we don’t see the world in with the same eyes, and I am glad and delayed to realize that mine is at centuries of civilization from yours.
I thank all of you for reading.

Monday, August 9, 2010

A thought

I have started writing this article and I wasn’t knowing what should I exactly talk about..
I had a lot of free time recently but curiously, my inspiration was getting smaller and poorer.
I am so freaking lost with all what is going through my mind these days.
Since I graduated, I didn’t meet any good job opportunity and it is driving me sick. I am a very active person who can’t get used to have empty days with nothing to do.
I tried recently to join a new type of organization that takes care of kids, especially sick and abandoned ones. I am not sure of working for it for long time, but I met interesting opportunities to learn more about people, how they live, how they act, and how they hide their impurity.
Ramadan is coming and I am quite happy with that. It is my favorite month in the whole year. You really feel the sanity during it while fasting. I love the traditions that people all over the world adopt for 30 days.
I have already made a plan about some stuff that I want to accomplish on the religious plan… Hopefully, this will bring me up.
I have the feeling that the whole world is not ok this year. Whenever I read the news paper, I get chocked with a new disaster happening somewhere on this planet.
And I realize that my pains no matter how long, strong, serious, hard, hurting and important they are, there is somewhere else someone who is suffering much more than me.
I am discovering the real meaning of bravery since couple of weeks. I have the feeling that the true learning has just started for me.
After coming from my last trip I noticed that I have spent long time thinking that I learnt a lot, much more than my friends but all of this was false.
I am far away from what I have always called: “a view from the top”.
I am sure that life is still going to teach me more things. It will hurt me again, it will take my smile but I am enough brave to get it back.
It will disappoint the true person I am, and I will envy myself for that but not for long time for sure. My principals are too pure to bring me up as soon as I look at myself in the mirror and realize that this one in front of me didn’t cause any pain to anyone.
It will take my loved from my real world, but it would never take them from my heart.
It might take me from myself, but I will be back again, for sure 