Sunday, June 20, 2010

A flor de piel

Este articulo nació con un sentimiento y con un sentimiento lo voy a acabar 
Las once...No sé por qué estoy escribiendo y tampoco sé sobre qué tengo que escribir.
Quería dormir, la verdad es que me siento muy débil con todas las tonterías que gasto mi energía haciéndolas cada día.
Estoy viviendo un tipo de paro intelectual y psicológico que afecta en gran cuantidad mi habilidad para estudiar y concentrarme en lo que debo hacer.
Me extraña muchísimo escribir en castellano, después de tanta ausencia
En realidad, tenía ganas de poner con mis notas algo que recordaré después de algunos meses teniendo la convicción total de que la mayoría de mis amigos, por problemas de idioma, no puedan entender.
Quería sentirme libre al escribir lo que me dicta la fragilidad enorme que conducta mis decisiones estos días.
Ya no puedo aguantar más, quiero que se acabe este año, lo antes posible..Para que pueda empezar algo nuevo sin tener este sentimiento de que todo a mí alrededor se desploma.
Me gustaría poder creer en mis locuras y mentiras de un cobarde durante algunos segundos para poder, por fin, ver el mundo colorado.
Deseos como estos, os aseguro que tengo en exceso pero estrategias para llegar a satisfacer lo que el ser humano necesita para sentirse bien, no la puedo encontrar.
Por eso, decidí dejar de hacer lo que quiero y concentrarme en lo que puedo obtener.
Yo creo muchísimo en el destino, tanto come creo en Dios y esta creencia es tan sincera que me lleva al otro lado del pensamiento..
Hace pocas semanas, empecé a desafiar la voluntad de lo que controla mi vida y la de todas las criaturas... Estoy desafiando el destino sin saber a dónde voy con todo esto.
El año 2010 me llevó muchísimas sorpresas inesperadas en el plan profesional y sentimental.
Cometí un montón de errores eligiendo las personas que, en principio, compartían mis elecciones pero que al final, se arreglaron para llevarme al fundo del mal estar..Hasta sentirme “a flor de piel”
De ellos, un pequeñito grupo sigue formando parte de mi mundo, y de la vida de muy pocos sigo formando parte, yo.

Os agradezco la lectura..

Saturday, June 12, 2010

I have a feeling (4)

I sat with a cup of coffee, after taking a long bath and a good pain killer to get rid of the headache I was having, in front of my computer to check my emails. I have the feeling that the world is changing and people around me are getting much more complicated each day while my life on the same far and deserted planet is getting simpler. I am happy with that. Yes, I am….

I have a question for you….

Have you ever wondered how would your life be if you no longer take part of it?
I am sure you did; and you wrote long pages talking about your parents and your relatives and how much you will miss them, about your cat and who will feed it when you pass away, about your first love and the honey moon you dreamed of, about God, about your secrets, the craziest ones, about your professors at university, especially the ones you don’t stand, about the challenges you took, and the ones you wish you could have few more hours to live to accomplish them, about your grandmother if you got one like mine who makes you sick when she starts frying the chips of the lunch at 8 am just to wake you up.

I am sure you’d have written much more than what I mentioned above because death is for you an entire end that deserves all those noble, sensitive, sincere, and regretted thoughts that you, absolutely, wished to share if you were alive.

It is such a confusing feeling to realize that death isn’t just this end that you identify when you stop breathing, and your heart stops beating, when you just leave forever and your whole body becomes totally and wholly useless.

For me, things are quite dead these days…I have the feeling that my life is going without me.
It is like if I was observing my days, my dreams, my friends, and my whole and entire world from an external position.

I don’t know if my life needs some order to be set in it. I don’t know if I should get back to some old addictions..Well, I am already back to the bad ones: drinking coffee, and tea to spend the biggest part of the night awake thinking and rethinking without getting to any optimum solution.

The presentation of my thesis is getting closer and it stresses me a lot. I don’t want to disappoint the hopes that my mom put on me. This pressure makes me sick… at a certain time we stop doing what we want and we start focusing on doing what other people would love to see us doing.

We stop taking decisions according to what we want and we concentrate on what the whole society would think once our action plan is launched. This is how most people are living nowadays and it is unfortunately, the only way that I can’t follow..I hate to be under any kind of control, especially when this one confuses my thoughts and devour my highest motivations.

I am not sure of having on my surrounding ones the best impression and impact ever seen but I do believe in one life style: “being myself, and put all factors on my side for what I badly want, defeat my doubts before trying to put the responsibility on fate.”

Till this late time came, all I can do is to enjoy being who I am, wishing that the human beings start to set to themselves further limits when their freedom of speech and actions are concerned.

Thank you for reading!

Monday, June 7, 2010

I have a feeling (3)

Feet on earth
Another lazy day covered by the shining sun of a Saturday morning started on this land that I love and hate at the same time.
I woke up so late that I didn’t even smell the coffee that I used to taste in my room in front of the window looking at the sea or may be just letting my thoughts melt in it, each morning before going to school.
I no longer have to do that. School is finished and so do many parts of my life.
In the middle of the darkness of the spirit, the soul, the mind, destiny and my hopes; I am trying to find a way.. A way to come back to myself and make of these sweetest dreams a reality.
I would like to make of peace and happiness two rules conducting people’s life. I want poverty to end. I wish that all kids could have parents and go to school.
I wish if my humble existence could bring something new, something flattering to this great world that I still don’t know more than 1% of it.
I hope that God forgives me and forgive all people, and I wish that I can be the one I have always dreamed of.
I have changed. Yes! I did..I still dream but I dream differently..I dream according to my abilities. This is not a lake of confidence or fears from challenges. It is just what I call:” going on, with feet on earth”
2010 will end soon. It is true that I am not that satisfied with what I have done in it. It was a challenging year on the emotional plan, and I, still, didn’t get rid of all the injuries I caused to myself with the wrong decisions I took.
I hardly believe that fate drove me to what I found myself in. I prefer to convince myself that I took part of the wrong dreams and I inlayed myself in lives that I was not supposed to be part of.
But anyhow..It happened and it did, for sure, for a reason that I will realize sooner or later….
I have spent Sunday’s night in a deep feeling of nostalgia with the memories of my best years. It was so affecting, so touching, so meaningful, so true…to look back at the past without regrets even if the present doesn’t seem to be that promising.
From my planet; I thank all of you for reading.