Wednesday, February 3, 2016

Will it hurt forever?

My mom and I are so different, in almost everything, and every day and situation we pass by makes me realize how true our difference is.

My mom has never agreed on many of my choices: from the simplest to the most crucial ones: she hates how I dress (thinking I don't give much value to myself), what I do as job, how I spend money, who I used to date and many other things that I won't bother you with.

 So next weekend, my mom is attending weedings of some relatives and as usual, she insists that I go with her, which is something I am going to do despite the pressure it represents to me. Basically, in such gatherings, people ask you the same questions again and again: what are you doing, why you gained weight, why you cut your hair, and when are you getting married.

 When we had coffee break in office, I was talking to my boss and told her about it and she gave me a very clever idea. She said: when they ask you, just say I am waiting for the prince to come on his horse. Made me laugh whole day.

 I hate this question a lot, and it is not for the same reasons other girls hate it (because they are still single) but because it takes me back to memories I don't want to remember. Memories that say why I am hiding from everybody.

 In one of the articles I read before going to bed, I discovered that my syndrom is not new to humanity (thanks God!), I wonder if there is another article available to say how to fix it. Well, in two words I became unavaible emotionnally which is something I realize but I can do nothing about it.

I lose interest in men quickly (this is in case I get any interest at the start) and I can hardly bare people when I feel that a point of view is going to be put on the table by force. I am not scared of love, I wish I was but it seems there is nothing I am able to give to be scared of it.

When you come from a culture that condams love and relationships, you can not expect people to have compassion for your pain, and one of the things I most hate in this world is when someone tells me: oh come on! it is nothing, you will be okey, people are dying of hunger else where and you make a big deal of a lost love story.

Yes, it makes me so angry, that we decide on what is painful and what is not, simply, because if it was not painful, I wouldn't have spent all these years in the darkness of a memory, and yet it is not over.

I don't mind my difference from people arround me, I don't mind my difference from my mom. I think change starts always somehere with one opinion and one person and I am so blessed to wake up everyday, find the other side of my bed empty. I breath so deep and thank God that I am not making anyone's life misearable by marrying him just to get married.
Yes, I am relieved. Noone deserves to suffer and once you taste it, my rule is: to never inflect it to others, and to never lower your expectations and accept less than what you deserve.
What do we deserve: is to be "truly" happy

Ps: My boss sarcastic advise is really good, so I will use it during the weeing party and tell you how it went, later :)

Thank you for reading 

Monday, February 1, 2016

The cost of being yourself

I have a friend who says all the time: you are a naughty, smart Aleck and bad girl but with lot of charisma and goodness. Guess what, She's so damn right! :-) I have started using a hashtag on my posts recently that was inspired by a conversation with one of my colleagues: #Because_I_am_nice #I_am_ weird The idea was to say that people nowadays meet so many rude ones who are being nice to them for benefit that they can not believe: some are nice just because this how they are, which is 100% my case. Back to my friend's comment. I think she wanted to say: you too can be pissed off but yet you find the best way to communicate what you think in total honesty, yet focusing on not being the one who hurts. Few days ago, I had to say "no" to somebody and I really didn't want him to think I have a check list of criteria to which he doesn't respond (which was part of the truth) and at the same time, I was not ready to tell him the real reason behind my "no". So I acted just like my friend described me and said: You know, I am too complicated and not that attractive, I guess you can find better. Some people think I underestimate myself (which is far away from being the case), again we only believe what we want to believe. and the world is so full of misconceptions and inflected wrong values that we never take time to understand others. We are always busy thinking they are what we think they are. So yeah, I got rid of that guy (Thanks God! I know I am rude). Technically, there is a part of truth in me saying that he deserves better. I am convinced nobody is too good for another one. There is just this question of "matching" and "feeling" and they are no longer valid for me. I belong to a very small rang of girls (particularly Arab girls) who know what they want and it is almost not tolerated in my culture (or shall I say the culture I am living in), so I tend to define my relationships and expectations from people since the very beginning, no matter what the relationship is about and in "love" (if it can still be called love)I never lie because I do not want to live a life of regret having someone's pain on my shoulders. Basically, I summarize in few sentences to everyone I meet my idea about love: that it is a one time card, and I already used it. So I can be nice and caring and may be go crazy with the person I am with, but it will never be love, just because I hold someone in my heart that I think pieces of my heart will love him forever. Two main things pissed me off with the guy that I was nicely rude to him (lol): the first is that when I expressed my vision, he judged my pains and said that people are dying of hunger, that's a real pain, not mine. Well, pains are relative and what is painful for me doesn't have to be painful for others. Again, I respect other people's feelings.As a citation says: "it is healed when you can tell the story and it doesn't make you cry", guess what: those three lines about the story already made me cry. The second thing is the confusion people have between love and sex. I don't know if it is the post effect of a lost love or the sexual reproductive health activist who I am who makes me as complicated as that, but I think frustration is everywhere, unfortunately it is the easiest way to make interesting people lose interest. Many girls around me ask for my advice and I always open the discussion to the idea of making informed choices. This is one of the principles that I don't think they are submitted to a religious or culture affair but rather to everybody's willingness to go or not for a certain number of practices. So when you try to be yourself, you are qualified of "boring", "limited" and many other names. My very common advice to my friends has always been Charlie Chaplin's citation: your naked body shall only belong to those who fall in love with your naked soul. And naked soul means: you in your normal state, in three words: you being yourself