Friday, February 19, 2010


A windy day, a long and surprising one.
It is 6PM and I feel like if I have lived a century in 24hours.
Nothing is the same. It seems like if my whole life changed in a couple of days, and I recognize myself only in photos.
I am lost, definitely, I am.

I, physically, emotionally, and psychologically don’t feel good.
This is the first time, I felt like being seriously alone. I don’t want anyone to talk to me and I don’t want to fill my head with bullshits,

I hate 2010 as much as I loved 2009 which was the most beautiful year in my whole shitty existence.
2009 was a total success for me with my studies at college. I used to have busy evenings with the great atmosphere of the Spanish classes. The cooking courses of the weekend were amazing.

The concerts I attended with friends, the trips I had, the new people I met and loved and the causes I strongly defended were a source of happiness for me. Yeah! They were…
2010, by the end of its second month took everything.

We have just started studying at university. My final project isn’t going well. I am no longer taking the cooking courses since the teacher left. I cleaned my list of friends to realize I had an empty one and I finished falling in love with someone who, the geographical, cultural and financial conditions take him away from me.

I am tired. I am exhausted. This feeling is just so terrible. It is awful to know that the only solution that is left is to start all over again, all over again alone..
Today, I hate the 99,99 per 100 of what is around me. I just started to understand what does the expiry date mean?

I understand the world, in the midst of disasters. I hate my house, my room, my neighborhood, my school, my teachers, the boss of my university, the traffic jump, the busses, the inexistent metro, the Algerian airlines, the football play, the horrible weather, the morning call of my alarm clock to start another boring and disappointing day, the Algerian administrations, the empty count I have, the miles that separate me today from my loved one, and every single thing that takes daily, my smile from my lips.

I understand that not everything I believed in was true. That so many words are called empty words.
Money makes happiness, but even the happiness comes to an end.

All what a human being promises is an absolute fake and you are probably a dammed one if you believe in what your logical spirit can’t see.
I am not sure of feeling better during the coming days. I am not sure of finding the right balance to make my heart; my mind and my soul forgive me for all what I inflected to them this year with this strong weapon called over confidence.
And I am sorry.. I am sorry for discovering what the world really is.

Saturday, February 13, 2010

Upon pillars of sands...

I have spent long time thinking about the right words to start this article with, and honestly I needed to collect all the energy of my fingers to put on this sheet of e-paper some of the words I am having in my mind, or may be in heart.

2010 is tiring me. It is making of me a piece of nothing on this earth. In clear words, I am trying to be happy with all the strength I got, but it isn’t working.
This is what I call: to lose something you can’t replace: “faith in your smart attitude”.

I lost my smile and my joy. I am unable to fix myself and I will take no pleasure if someone tries –pretending- to help, to fix me.

I am losing, this is sure. There for, I won’t hide it behind a cheerful smile that stupid and dam people use to bring themselves up.

For most of my plans, it was the end and for the rest it is the beginning of an expected end that I am waiting for in my own way.

I am exhausted and I am losing all the pleasures of life. I don’t study, I don’t go to the cooking courses, I don’t go out with people, an what is worse, I am not playing sport.

I am not understanding the world.. No I am not.. but I do understand myself.
And I am fed up.. Fed up with everything.. I am fed up..with a dumb smile.
I am not sure whether discovering the truth is really what people look for when they investigate their choices, but I am quite convinced they do try to hide their deceptions with some annoying words that I always hear from my friends but which sincerely don’t change the mood I am in.

Accepting oneself with the success and the failure that he might have is the best thing to do. By the way, this what I do.
I realized that there was no need to lie on myself. What is done is done and so is what is lost. But the most important is to have this ability to start all over again.
Starting all over again….it seems so easy but it is terrible to change all what you have done and planned.

To change your major, your hobbies, your life style, your addictions, your friends who weren’t really friends, the chocolate you put on your cup of milk or the kind of tea you drink.

The languages you want to learn, the country you want to live in. the person you want to be with when you aren’t feeling good. The agenda you have been sticking on your wall for long months waiting for the day to make it come true. The color you wear. The hair style you have. The music you listen to. The things you believe in and may be much more…

This how my life looks like those days.. I know it isn’t the greatest one that the good thinker I am would have loved to have but anyhow.. sometimes the world stands upon pillars of sands that you can whether consolidate or build again.

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

I am trying..

I am trying.
I am trying to breath, to sleep, to smile, and eat.

I am trying to get back to my daily habits. Habits that I don’t know how I lost.

I am trying to fix myself because I know it is not going to fix me, and no one else will do.

I am trying to believe in something new after discovering that all my life has been a lie.

I am trying to find myself after I realized everything is lost.

I am trying to talk even when words don’t have any intelligent meaning.

I am trying to cheer up when I look into the mirror, may be this one looking back at me will do the same.

I am trying to be what I am supposed to be.

I am trying to forget what I had to keep away from my feelings since the beginning.

I am trying to forgive what I allowed others to cause me.

I am trying to handle with what I am not supposed to face.

I am trying to restart when there is no a beginning.

I am trying to dream when there are no dreams left.

I am trying and I hope to succeed, even if success isn’t what I need.

I am trying because trying keeps people’s heart beating and because trying is the only way to live.