Monday, August 31, 2009

Palabras de mi corazón

Sentimientos del corazón.
Estoy de vuelta a escribir en español. No lo estoy haciendo para practicar el idioma.
Tampoco es para tener seguidores Espano- hablantes.
Hoy escribo en español para poder contar lo que siento, para poder expresar una mezcla de sentimientos, de pensamientos y de miedo que no quiero que haya mucha gente que vaya comentando excepto los más cercanos que entienden con el alma lo que mis dedos con errores de gramática ponen sobre esta hoja.

Todo empezó con mi viaje a Francia. Al principio no quería viajar porque estaba pensando en pasar algunos días en Estambul con alguien que echo tan de menos.

En fin, me dieron el visado. Así que fui allí para pasar dos meses de práctica en el sector de hostelería.
Mala suerte la mía, entre racismo, condiciones de vida deplorables, suciedad, falta de respeto y tipos de actividades que no tienen nada que ver con mi trabajo como limpiar, fregar platos, cuidar a niños me corazón empezó a llenarse de todos tipos de ideas de depresión.

Intenté con toda mi fuerza quedarme más allí, pero el estado en el que estaba no me permitió hacerlo, estaba llorando días y noches y empecé a echar de menos mi madre.
Del sur de Francia viajé hacia el norte donde me quedé una semana más antes de tomar el primer avión para volver a argel después de unos gastos fenomenales.

De vuelta a argel, los comentarios allí me estaban esperando explicándome que causé muchísimo daño a mi madre con este viaje.
Además del estado de ánimo en el que estaba, ninguna empresa aceptó dejarme hacer una practica para poder llenar mi cuaderno. Este último evento fue lo que más me puso en la mezcla de sentimientos negativos.

Esperaba irme a Estambul y poder pasar todo el verano en sus brazos.
Me resulta difícil admitirlo. Me resulta difícil admitir, mientras mis lágrimas dibujan ríos que van de mis mejillas tocando el sol al lado de mi ordenador, que este hombre es lo que más deseo en la vida.

Este mismo hombre es el único sobre esta tierra que no podré tener en mi vida.

El viaje que esperaba tomar como vacaciones para mi corazón me hizo pensar y acordarme más de él y como dice la canción “ no pensé que ere amor y lo dejaba correr” y ahora que es amor, sé que no puedo salir de esta situación.

Algunas de mis decepciones en la vida me hicieron tirar la toalla y algunos de mis éxitos me hicieron perder el sentido de la confianza en los demás.
Entre los dos, la culpa nunca ha sido la mía.
Hoy estoy de vuelta, pasando mis días entre los cinco muros destruidos de mi habitación, sin práctica, sin mi amor, y sin gente que me entiende como soy.
Estos son los sentimientos de un corazón callado viviendo una etapa de vacio que me hace pensar de nuevo en el por qué de mi existencia.

Sunday, August 30, 2009

How much do you love me? (4)

Some roses, a piece of cake … mom put your Hayek and let’s go to ask
For the hand of the girl that never goes out from her house.
The door opened, her mom was there waiting with a large smile.

She is finally going to have a peaceful life after accepting to give the hand of her daughter because as Arabs say: worries about girls are till death.
She kept the windows opened so that the neighbors know that her daughter is putting the ring today.

In the living room, the father is waiting there. Tables full of all sort of sweets are put.
They all sit together and start the courtesy that doesn’t come from the heart.
The same meaningless questions are being asked and many elements are added to the answer.

It is obvious she had to do that to put all the chances from her daughter’s side.
Does she wear a scarf?
Yea of course, an extremist one and she never go out without me.
Does she cook?
Of course and I taught her everything about all the traditional meals of our country.
My daughter, with thanks to God, has every finger with a different activity that she can do perfectly.
Can we see her?
Of course, Daughter come and bring the coffee.

In an elegant house dress, walking slowly and carefully looking at the floor and using an excess of make up to maker her cheeks red, she enters and propose the coffee to all of them.
Her mom with an ironic voice tells her: don’t be that shy! They are your new family starting by now, while his mother will just make a quick perfect scan from the face to the feet.
She finishes with a common sentence: God bless you! I was feeling confident about my choice.

Remember well this sentence because some weeks after the weeding, she will just start to take her from her long beautiful hair for silly reasons such as cleaning, putting the table, watching tv, or not washing the clothes till the end of the week.

In her mind: he has money, no matter how old, what profession he has, or what are his plans for the future, I will marry him, so that everyone knows that I am nice and superb and they are asking for my hand. And… as my mom says: a man is a man, nothing can affect him, but for us “girls” at a certain age, it is just too late to think of it.

In his mind: I dated a lot, from girls I am just fed up. She is young and good cook, she didn’t go to college. This is just too good, as Arabs say: the cat still have closed eyes.

The main discussion starts and both have to fix what they want.
Her mother: a house for my daughter alone.
His mother: she doesn’t work and stays home, money doesn’t matter as long as she will be a good house wife and a perfect mother.
Shaking the hands is the next step after reading “the Fatiha” to make of them religiously: wife and husband.

The phone numbers are exchanged to know days, weeks, or months before getting married, who is this person that we by hazard decided to build our life with
And that’s how they getting married…….

Finally, I wouldn’t tire myself looking for a reason to make the Arabs stop asking just for the hand and start to ask for the body as a whole with the mind, the fingers and the soul.

Thursday, August 27, 2009

Neutral life..

27 August 2009
I opened my eyes like every morning in the same atmosphere.
Today was a monotone day but it wasn’t like the other days.
May be because today I wake up too late. Yeah! It isn’t that bad to sleep till 9am.
The first thing that my eyes saw was the destroyed walls of my room that we are rebuilding again from the interior side.

At this moment I realized that my life was just similar to my walls. It was looking nice from the outside while her inside parts were in deep need of total changes.

My walls are having a new style now, they are being totally changed but unfortunately, my life is still going the same way.
I don’t know which strange feeling is making me think non stop about the last trip I had.

This trip changed my vision toward many things concerning the third world I am living in, concerning the themes of racism, self confidence, braveness, courage, friendship, taking decisions and going to the top of their consequences.
With an empty heart and a full mind my unique solution is to close my window and stay for the whole of the week at home without meeting people. I guess it is something that shouldn’t surprise looking to the state in which I am.

Admitting our mistakes is the first step to changing, and it is so hard for me to do it. It is as hard as accepting to renovate my walls because of the conviction that my room is just too perfect as it is.

It is just too wired to start a neutral summer after a long active year. The loneliness in which I stick these days drives me mad because of thinking without understanding why does each thing go the way it does?
I am not sure of my choices in life. I am not sure the ones I consider as friends really deserve it.

I am not sure of feeling better if I keep living this way but I am quit convinced that either I am given reasons or choices nothing will change as long as I keep looking for a breath in a cube characterized by its lack of oxygen.

Saturday, August 22, 2009

Apple C...(1)

Midnight, after a long day at his same boring office with the same simple faces, he is back home.
A cup of coffee, a cigarette, he puts the power, windows is charging.
Three w I want to meet what I couldn’t find in my office, my city, in the metro, in restaurants, with friends, in every single peace of land I went to. com
His cup of coffee obliges him to sit in front of his desk…

Midnight, she enters her room. The day was long. She had to run everywhere for business and house stuffs.
She takes her laptop to her bed; she is having a cup of hot chocolate or an ice cream.
Three w I want to meet what I couldn’t find in my office, my city, in the metro, in parties when I go with friends, in every single peace of land I went to. com

Tick tack, tick tack………… seconds, minutes, hours, days and weeks the same life and the same evenings in both sides.
Midnight, three w you got a message from what you are looking for.
Do you want to open this window: Yes? or No?
So let us try. The same questions: hello, how are you?, how old?, where from?, what do you do in life?
It takes both of them again to Taylor’s time, but these are the formalities to enter this protected castle.
Tick tack, tick tack……, minutes, hours, days and weeks, life isn’t the same but windows is.
Is it midnight? He asks his friends while sitting all in a restaurant.
I should go. I have an important thing to do.
Analyzing, thinking, remembering an image, a voice, typed words, an e-person.
His final decision is to buy a ticket.
Airport of Ataturk, midnight, the same time, the same people, but windows today won’t be chagrining.
The e_love has become true…

Few days ago, I was watching tv while taking my breakfast. There was a program on a gulf cannel in which people call to give their opinion about marriage through the net.

I was quit surprised to hear that most of them were refusing categorically this idea but admit that they all enter chat clubs.
Day by day, my preferences go more for foreigners and I think that I don’t admire them only for their honesty, sincerity, true friendship, care and help but also for their pure hearts who treat a human being as a noble creature even if he is at the other part of the universe.

Ernesto, Horia, Souad, Mohamed, Ossama, Brian and many others are friends of mine in real life.
They all got one common point: they met their partner through the net.
They are all married today.
They are all happy.
They all assure that if they go back in time, they would choose the same person.

Technology has made of this world a small peace of land. Today there is no place that you can’t reach in 24H
So an E_meeting, a coffee shop one, or a traditional one are all meetings as long as you will finish by fixing some feelings toward the situation anyhow.
In the second part of this article, I’ll be giving the arab version concerning this subject.
For now, with the smile that comes to me remembering my friends, I wish them and wish to all people who truly believe in their causes just like them all the happiness on this planet.

Because life is short, love is precious and hard to find but ways are available, I sincerely hope that each one of us doesn’t loose all his chances to be happy for stubborn ideas.

Friday, August 21, 2009

How much do you love me? (3)

You are blond, your eyes are green, blue or grey, you are less than 22 and wear a modern scarf to pretend being what you are not, then no matter how empty is your mind you are the right one.

You have your own villa with a swimming pool; the last car made by a famous company, your mother doesn’t live with you then no matter how ugly, old, and miserable you are.. just take some roses, a peace of cake and go to ask for the hand of your blond..

Love 5 stars. Between lies, egoism, appearance and misunderstanding of the human, personal, social and religious values this image keeps being the façade of all life magazines in engagement in the third world.

Beauty for women and money for men, two ironic ways to choose the partner who is supposed as said” to be ready to share your life with its good and bad”

So let me just imagine that X is the blond lady and Y is the rich man.
Both get married for the previous reasons. After some months, years or centuries.. I let you set the suitable time to imagine that X in a car accident gets burnt.
Y from his side start a new project in which he puts all his capital but unfortunately, it seems that it wasn’t well studied..All the money had gone.

I’d love to take some sugar and coffee as Algerians do when they go to visit someone in his house and in my turn take a taxi as my license driving isn’t back to me and go and see this couple.

First thing I notice, it is the small kid who opens the door. Of course, even if I am not that expressive with children I have to put my hand on his hair, smile and ask him to kiss his aunt (me).
Curiously, he tells me: aunty, mummy is crying in the room, and pappy smokes a lot and shouts all the time.
In such a case, I’d just think of the poor children, victims of an irresponsible decision.
A decision built on virtual reasons that people never think how easy is it to loose them.
Beauty never lasts, money comes and goes so what lasts?
Behavior, challenges, sex, admiration, love?
None of them, actually.
It’s all about conviction and acceptance of the other as a person.
A person who isn’t perfect, perfection is for God.
A person who got a lot to give through her feelings, her mind, her life style, her pure things that build the personality.

I am quit convinced that my blogs aren’t going to change people’s minds in this piece of brown land where I live but I’m sure that what destroys others happiness I will keep writing about it with all the force I got inside of my heart.

Till my fourth post of “how much do you love me?” I wish that you go on your love all the right way..
Thank you for reading.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

How much do you love me? (2)

I am back to spend a couple of hours in front of my laptop.
It’s quit weird that I am not posting since I spent a full a week which gave me many ideas to talk about..
May be the promise of not debating any subject is being respected…
I guess that for the ones who are used to read my articles it will be easy to guess that I watched again a new story concerning the gulf countries in which I was again astonished at the end of the movie..

I have a hug desire to ask the actress playing to main role about her feelings after representing in this last episode the nice, cute, educated, and good girl who “as always” gets married..
In the weeding night, her very simple and uneducated husband accuses her of not being virgin..
Actually, science is not the favorite subject of many people and I don’t know if it’s because exams at that time were so hard that all guys run away from the course..

Anyhow, the same night, he takes her to the hospital where the doctor confirms that she was virgin.

After this event, she refuses to forgive him for destroying the best days of her whole life and asks for divorce.. a great decision according to my point of view because living at two is based on trust and when this one is lost then nor customs, neither kids can make two people live together..

Few months ago, her aunt who deeply loves her asks for her hand for her son.
Her parents ask her to accept and so she does.
Unfortunately, she meets again the same problem.. doubts..
The second husband didn’t want to believe that she was really virgin and kept insisting that her first husband reached the divorce with her because she had a “dirty” past with another man..

Because she was pregnant, she tried to calm the situation and live it as it was even her father wanted her to leave him..
I think that nothing replaces the true love which makes you accept your partner as he is, for the one he is.
After giving birth to her daughter, she divorced for a second time and her hurt heart didn’t allow her to forgive him when he came back asking her to restart from zero as he understood he was wrong.
This story and billion of others are true. In the Arabic society it is really common to meet such a behavior.
For this reason, the certificate of virginity is today obligatory when you get married, something that –for me- destroys the beauty of the engagement at its beginning.

Writing these words there is something that makes me smile because of the mediocrity of these men.
If the same one marries a European one then he won’t ask her to be virgin.
And if he marries an Arabic one and asks him if he is virgin, he won’t appreciate it.

I understood when I came back to Algeria that the third world still needs a lot to change and start to make of the human beings creatures that have to be respected, accepted or simply left without any judgment in limits of no offensive acts toward the humanity.

Saturday, August 15, 2009

A true feeling..

Feelings of the heart.
My day was long and so seems my life when I don’t get what I want.
I am back to Algeria since few weeks and I am still feeling that this trip was quit decisive, hard, and meaningful in many aspects of my life and above all of these, it was testing….

It was testing the degree of self confidence that I got… It was making me go over my limits.
Such a feeling I hardly support it and I prefer billion of times to reach Australia swimming than founding myself in such a situation.

For the coming days, I’ll for sure avoid debating about a sensitive subject as I noticed that I am changing my mind according to some personal observations which I think are opening my eyes and making of my blinded behavior a brightened one which my quit optimistic spirits judge as a new spark to change my life to the best.

I will no longer try to understand people’s behavior. It’s just too obvious that each one looks for what he wants, if not for what he needs and to be bad or good is relative to the objective which make me kind of sure that all people are good when they decide it.

One of my favorite Spanish songs says: I’m selling your memories and being new hopes.
With this sentence, I define my actual mental state. Sometimes, I feel that it’s more than a state.
It goes over all limits to make of each point of its aspects a decision that I strongly believe in.

I am not sure of all what I have chosen in my life till now, and I don’t want to be so.
However, I am quit convinced that the feeling breaking the doubts inside my heart today is going to define my way, my friends, my love, my career, my life, and my hopes….
From my hometown I thank all of you for reading.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

No sé...

No sé
Me gustaría que antes de empezar a leer este escrito ponéis la canción y leéis mientras estáis escuchando.

Después de haber publicado todos los artículos de “sentimientos del corazón” y después de haber llegado a una incapacidad de producir más, me vino una sensación de no saber nada.

Entre resultados del viaje, los últimos días de mis vacaciones, entre sentimientos de felicidad y de miedo, el estado de mi corazón ya no tiene remedio.

Hoy no sé, y de lo que no sé, solo sé que en principio debo saberlo
No sé si quiero ser gestora de restaurantes o de hoteles en general.
No sé si me gusta más el Ingles o el turco que todavía no conseguí aprenderlo.
No sé quien es mi mejor amigo/a.
No sé de qué debo hablar en el proyecto de fin de estudios.
No sé en qué país me encantaría vivir.
No sé si del pasado estoy haciendo un presente, y tampoco sé si de este presente haré mi futuro.
No sé lo que siento hoy para este turco que sigue ocupando un espacio bastante largo en mis pensamientos, en mi vida, en mi corazón.
Mi viaje ha sido una experiencia de algunas semanas en las que solo quería decirle “te quiero” .

A la ley del amor no encuentro explicaciones. Creo que esta vez la matemática ha fallado.
De esto, esta haciendo de mis largos pensamientos una enigma a la que dedico del presente y del futuro.
No sé si él y yo tendremos la posibilidad de vernos algún día.
No sé si me viene la sonrisa al escribir estas palabras acordándome de una broma que mis amigos hicieron de mí diciendo que iba a terminar mi vida casada con un libro o una página Word o si porque del mismo tema vuelvo a hablar muchas veces sin llegar a hacer los análisis

A ti, a todo lo que hemos compartido juntos, a tu timidez al verme, a las sonrisas, las lagrimas, a mis sueños y deseos hasta los más locos a tu lado, desde el otro lado del planeta, te dedico esta canción.
Sin saber….

Saturday, August 8, 2009

How much do you love me? (1)

To start this article, I would like to ask a question
What would you ask your partner for few days before getting married to him/her?
Let’s see what the probability and for sure not the mathematical one say:
If you are a woman and an occidental one, your needs can be between bringing you the most expensive ring with true diamante and being just the true love of his life.
If you are an Arabic one then it’s between the desires of getting married only, because all girls you know did, so why not you.
If you lived the end of the years 90, then you’ll ask for a house because you can’t live with his mother.
If you are a victim of the new tendencies then you want him blond with blue eyes otherwise your friends will laugh at you.
If you are an occidental guy then you just want to marry the one you love because the rest you can get anyway.
If you are a modern Arabic one then you just want to reproduce the old fascinating love stories that we are so proud of.
If you are one of those who married my friends then you just want her to cook, clean, stay home after marriage, love your mother, stop going out with her friends (boys) and above all of this a certificate of virginity is the most welcome.

For this first article, I won’t stop at any of the first points. Actually, what makes me write is the last sentence that I hear billion of times each year but for which I don’t find any explanation.

I don’t know if I got to laugh or cry for the poor miserable society that is just following imaginary rules put by people who just think of their own selfish satisfaction.

Marriage as known in our religion “Islam” is first of all: trust, love, self confidence, and share.
The Arabic guys of nowadays mostly have the total fan before engagement but once they decide to put the ring they just do their best to get what we call a pure one.

When I first heard about the improvement of the technology in medicine to give the virginity back to any girl who needs it, I was against it. I have always assumed that we are responsible of our acts and what we do, we should be convinced of it.
Now, after analyzing guys’ behavior I can assure you that I was more than happy to know that cheaters can be cheated on.
So before asking someone to prove what we can’t prove to him, I am quit convinced that we need to think twice about it.

My only regret is that my mother chose to be a nurse in a hospital and I had to be in the worst situations of my whole life each time one of my friends gets married and come to me asking for my mother’s help to get this dirty sheet of paper to prove “their love to their lovers”.

To conclude with this theme, I wish as long as I’ll live to never find myself in such a silly situation but if I face it then for sure I’d rather ask for a test of aids to both of us. At least, men and women in it are equal.

Thursday, August 6, 2009

Feelings of the heart(4)

First of all, I would like to apologize for not writing during all this time.
I judged during the last period that my ideas were enough confused to be kept on a safe side.
My trip to France went from being an exciting experience to a hard one full of doses of adrenaline.

Each second of my day, I remember myself walking in the streets of the south. I was nowhere on that land and I remembered billion of things that in normal cases the critical situation in which I was wouldn’t give me any minute to think of them.

I couldn’t develop any idea for the blog and was so obsessed with one crazy thing that I succeed in doing: making a long trip from the south to the north to reach Paris and be finally in peace.

When I first travelled, I was having many objectives totally different from what my school mates were looking for .

By going to France, I lost from one side my chances to go to Turkey this year. I couldn’t be training in a hotel as I wished, but from another side, I was planning to get this European experience and to think while I am alone of my coming projects. To these thoughts I didn’t hesitate to add some other things that I truly hoped to fix.

In the series of articles published in Spanish “feelings of the heart”, I felt while writing them that my sensitivity reached its top and I could express it in different ways.
Few time after, incredibly I kept a document of word opened for long hours without being able to post a single word in it.
So I don’t know if the absence of my boss today is refreshing my ideas or if getting confused for a long period has given birth to a small spark of creation in my mind.

There for, I am back to talk about marriage in the third world.
As always, I start by telling you a fascinating story of Friday evening that I am used to watch.
The title of the last episode was: “honey days”.
It is a story of a young modern girl living in the golf countries who accepts to marry someone without knowing well the conditions of life with him.
The guy was living in a big house with his parents, for this reason he didn’t buy another one for him and decided to take her to live with his family.

The first day after her weeding, things started to be strange.
His two daughters enter her room without her permission, they also mind when she wears jeans and they even force her to cook and clean daily.
She was also obliged to put her scarf even when she was home, and couldn’t go out without the permission of the family in law even if the husband allows her.

The situation reached its top when they asked her to eat alone in the kitchen sat on the floor, just because the father of her husband prefers to eat with his wife and kids without any stranger.

This smart girl could solve the situation. She went out after asking for the permission of her husband to visit her aunt.
Once back the father of her husband was waiting for her to blame her as she went out.
She explained him that she has already talked to her husband and he accepted. This one , too afraid of his dad, denied.
The father warned her that if she goes out again then he will make his son put an end to this marriage.
With a large smile, she opened the door and left again.

In the third world marriage really makes people afraid. When everything depends on these three letters “Y/E/S”, it comes to be quit hard to pronounce them.
My fairs, just like the fairs of many people are the same: regrets, unhappiness, bad behavior, servitude, an above all “the wrong choice”.
The tradition, the life style, the society and many other things just make people explain everything in many ways that are partly false because they relate them to destiny.

Yes, Destiny. This word that makes everyone’s life goes the way it does with a small remark that people ignore: making the best of us to reach our objectives.

Till I understand this society, my articles will be my unique and daily way to get to know more about the feelings of our hearts.