Monday, December 20, 2010

Goodbye trust

I am Zahra, and here is my story with “trust”
Few years ago, I took the bus. An old man was sitting just in front of me. He looked at me, I smiled. He said: my daughter, you have an angelic face.
I smiled again, I thanked him, and I said: his words are so trusted. Was I right? I don’t think so.

I had after that a friend, he asked me borrow him money, I trusted him, and I did.
I never got it back but I said: he is a friend, let us just not care…
Then I met a girl, she called me “best friend”. I was so affected..I said: she knows what she is doing, let us give her some trust.

Couple of weeks later, I went somewhere with other friends, I didn’t call her to come with me….She called and made me hear very disrespectful words.
Then I decided to buy a computer, I went to the shop. The guy was so religious; all his sentences were starting with the name of God. I said he deserves to be trusted. He sold me a machine that stopped working three months later and refused to refund me.

Then I went to university and had to prepare projects in groups. We divided the tasks… I said lets trust them and count on them to finish their parts. The day of the presentation nothing was ready.
Then I had a relative starting his own business in pastry. He asked for my help. I dedicated all my days long to teach him and lunch his business. I said: he is absolutely trusted.

Few times later, I was on a bed at hospital for a trauma caused by violent blows on my head. He was responsible.
Then I met a boy. He told me:” I am different from all people you know…I will always be right there for you”…I loved him, and said who else except this one deserves my trust?

From that day, I didn’t hear from him.
I took the bus. An old lady told me: you have such nice eyes. I told her: you still can find much better
Then I met someone, she said: we are best friends. I told her: I don’t deserve to be trusted. I am a selfish one, so be aware
I went to a shop to buy something. The guy said: it is a good product. I replied: don’t add a word, I am a better marketer.

Someone asked me to borrow her money. I said: I will give you the half of what you need, because I don’t want it back.
I met a boy. He told me: you have the most beautiful smile never seen.
I told him: your vocab needs some updates.
I might get experience, from what life inflects to me. I might learn more. I might suffer and feel better. I might know who my friends are; I might get my heart back as I might not

But I am sure..No one will get my trust…. As long as I am alive….
And this was my story with the trust.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

A word to myself

A rainy day filled my hours in the most disliked city of the world.
I decided today to get some rest. With the cold outside, I sat under my cover for the whole day.
I am planning tomorrow to have one of these long walks to take a breath.
Since couple of weeks, I am having a deep feeling of loneliness even though I am surrounded by billion people nearly all the day.
I was walking last week and looking at people passing by; and for the first time, I felt stranger.
Stranger on what I thought was my land. From this time, I took couple of decisions.
I decided to have a new friend: myself. I am sure this new one will always understand me
I decided to leave. I might not feel better, but I won’t feel worse.
I decided to fight for my values, even if they make this entire planet pissed off.
I decided also not to forgive myself for the mistakes I have committed. This is the only way to be sure that I won’t make them anymore.
The events of the second semester of 2010 are still hurting me deep inside. I find it absolutely hard to move on.
Some people suggested me to add this to my experience about life, others to put it on the count of fate and destiny. Myself, I put it on the list of what my unborn children will never face as long as I am alive beside them.
I think that my biggest lose is the ability to trust. Today, all my relationships are professional and I don’t want them to get closer than this. I don’t have this desire to be who I used to be, 6 months ago.
And I think…. I think that about human being rights and values I understood a lot.
I understood that I should help everyone, admire few ones, but trust and love no one.
I understood finally the difference between what we need and what we want.
I understood that who we love aren’t necessary those who should be loved, that love isn’t about sacrifices but about self satisfaction that is also based on satisfying those occupying a place in our hearts.
I don’t have many hopes to myself in this side, except that my loved ones: Mom, dad and few other ones will remember the best of me, if they have to remember me someday
But I sincerely wish that till that unexpected day in which my kids will come to this world, law will set new articles to save the humanity of real human beings.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010


I have always considered myself as a citizen of this world.
I don’t know f I should worry because I don’t have any special feeling toward any particular land on this earth but I do admit that this sensation is the best.
I like Algeria for so many reasons. The passport and Identity card are green which is my favorite color. We have this city called Tlemcen that I discovered recently, where all boys wish to marry for I don’t know which reason.
Food is cheap, and so are the stomacher medicines.
But Algeria isn’t only this.
3rd dirtiest county.
To across 3 km you need more than 3 hours with the traffic jump.
You can never know at what time the bus comes, so most of people think that you are an irresponsible person when you give an appointement and you don’t reach it on time.
To get your papers at the town council you need (Ma3rifa) which is basically knowing someone who works there to make it easy for you to get what you have all the rights to get it.
I went once at 9Am, I took a ticket, it was number 100. I went home and came back around 3pm. They were still at number 300 of the previous account.. So I understood that I had to came back the next day at the same time…
I asked once for 2 residence certificates because in the administration they asked me to bring two. The guy told me: oh no, I will give you only one….
I don’t know why did he give me just one?! He only had to put the tracing paper to get as many copies as he wants by writing only one certificate.
My mom went once to get me a certificate of birth. They told her we can’t give it to you, ask your daughter to come personally. It seems that they didn’t believe that she was my mom, right?

Job interviews are my best part.
I applied for a job couple of weeks ago. I had three interviews, two of them in English and the interviewer didn’t understand a word..Opps: he forgot to mention that he doesn’t speak it.
After that I started working, so In order to keep their superiority, some of my mates started saying that I over estimate myself.

That’s actually a big issue with Algerians.
I swear I wish to be other than what I am but I can’t manage it.
It isn’t me who says that I am a hotel manager but the executive decree N° 94-255. I bet that law doesn’t lie, right?
Relationships and love…What am I supposed to start with?
I was working in that hotel when a client came to the reception.
I took his identity card and started filling his profile, then I looked at him and I noticed he was stressed..
I asked: is everything ok, sir?
He replied: please hurry up!! This is my weeding night..
I put my pen, I couldn’t finish that check in. I went to the back office and wondered why from the 100 hormones in the human body, the Algerians have only one that works.
I do believe that no Algerian has over came the frustration of sex. This makes it hard for me to be in a relationship for the coming century.
I met once a friend of mine and I asked her to go for shopping.
I stopped at a shop attracted by small red shoes for babies. I told her that I would really love to have one someday.
She told me: why don’t you just do like me and get married?
I remembered the unidentified creature she is married to, spending his days along sleeping, eating, getting fat and using a vulgar language.
I told her: this is the difference between us, you needed a sperm distributer, but I need a man.

Excuse my words if you don’t agree with them but it seems that my life took a big turner on the 6th of June 2010.
I believe much more in my values since that day, and I am quite sure that somewhere in this universe there is a land where people can simply deal with my rationality which is killing me slowly in Algeria.
I gave one promise to myself. The next 6th of June, that I doubt the concerned one about it will remember it with me, will be my last day here
I don’t know where will my hopes take me but I am quite convinced my mind will suffer less anywhere out of Algiers 