Friday, December 30, 2011

My 2011

2011… was a year and again it wasn’t like any other year.
2011 taught me a lot and made of me a better human being.
It taught me how to defend my rights when they were raped. Then once I realized how precious my freedom was, I gave the double to defend people’s right around me.
2011 broke my loneliness. It offered me a decent job in the best fields ever. It valuated my potential and opened to me the doors to learn more and be a better person.
It also showed me how precious and few are people who truly love. That love doesn’t know geographical frontiers, rules or limits and means to put your loved ones happiness above yours. I deeply thank those who offered me this feeling, dedicated to me from their time and made of me more than an option in their world.
Right! 2011 reminded me at each step I undertook how hard things can be without my dad around but at the same time brightened my days with the presence of an incredible person who made me feel daily happiness, a person who made me smile in the middle of tears. This is how I realized that fathers aren’t just those who bring us to the world but those who support us and love us no matter who we are instead of running away.
This year took from me irreplaceable persons just like my grandfa who passed away and put on my way people for benefit, people who wanted to reach their goals for which I was a method to that, but I don’t regret it anyways, because what didn’t kill me, made me stronger and I am unfortunately for them still alive. I am alive and I know that it wasn’t the end, that many new ones will enter my life for the same reasons and target the same goals but this time I know how to deal with things by being who I am.
2011 involved people who I thought took what was mine not because they wanted it but just because it is part of their realization to acquire what others values. Looking back now, I know that they didn’t take it from me. Simply it wasn’t mine, and if I didn’t fight for it then it wasn’t as important as I thought it was. I learnt that sometimes it is better to let it go… with a smile.
This year gave me challenges and leadership roles in which I gave my best. And ready to double it next year.
In 2011, decisions became mine. I knew that sometimes, should matter only what we think of ourselves. That’s why I had short hair, became too slim then too fat, I ate vegetables, went to important meetings with jeans without giving any consideration to what each one wants to say about my personal choices that don’t affect anyone else except my person.
2011 showed me the difference between ego and self-esteem, strengthened my believes, my conscience and respect but made me understand that it was probably time for me to start to base my happiness on myself, care for it and do for it what will make it do more for others.

Friday, December 23, 2011

I am an activist and I am making it happen

I am one of the 7 billion hopes on earth. A drop in a huge diversity of men, women, children and youth who need us to smile at them, care for, defend, help, assist and simply accept them the way they are.

34 million of those people are living with HIV. If you look at them then look at yourself in the mirror you will notice that they are just like anyone of us; but unfortunately they miss this feeling, the feeling of belonging. They suffer from discrimination in some places. They don’t have access to services in others and feel unsafe because so numerous are those who marginalize them.

… But no worries, we are numerous too, to stand for People living with HIV… for a world of equality and human kind fulfillment.
I am one of those who responded yes to the fight against HIV/Aids. I am an activist and I am making it happen because I believe, I am one of the 7 billion who care for the world around them.

Since I took the step toward the Aids response, I started to feel positive too, not with a virus but with raised arms for this category that lives a daily fight to survive. I started firstly by joining the prevention field among youth where I could get familiar with peer education and proximity work.

Then I felt that those 7000 new infected daily need more efforts from me and in here, I gathered my courage and good willing to start the field work. Together with my peers, we leaded campaigns; we targeted all key populations in each corner of each city that we could have access to. We worked on education and information as well as behavior change, communication, advocacy, resources mobilization, involvement of more stakeholders and support to people living with HIV by defending their rights to have a decent life and by being present for them as much as we can.

In all what I have undertaken and what I gave, I have to entire conviction that I was given much more in return. I have been given determination and more desire to achieve all the goals and to see someday Zero new infections, zero deaths and zero discrimination becoming a reality with all the UNAIDS agencies in holidays and the red Ruben reversed because we would have all together defeated this epidemic.

Today, I strongly believe that being a humanitarian isn’t a service that we do. It is simply a must and a duty that highlight the best of what we have inside of us.
I feel alive and determined to continue and realize more because of those men and women who set to me challenges to achieve that I hope we stand for all together as real agents of change and make of this world of 7 billion people, a world of 7 billion responsible, sensitized activists who grow in an enlightened present and promising future.

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

The missing part of me

7H30 am. A lazy wake up. I was already late for work, but yet when I opened my eyes, I didn’t feel like going in a rush. I probably wanted to sit with the scenes of my last night dream.

In my dream, I had a brother and my daddy called me to remind me that I had to do something I still didn’t do. I thought for a second that it could be the sweetest thing happening to me in the middle of impurity and constant maliciousness that you can hardly prevent. Feeling the presence of someone I could truly love but more important: who would truly love me for who I am and place my happiness and good being before his ego.

I have grown differently from others. I have grown with my own vision about the world around me. I have done it with my own values, values that may not be always the right ones or the best, but values that I follow, no matter what the situation is. Probably because somehow it matters more to get the best of the smiles that our conscience make us draw on people’s faces.

I have grown weakly strong, and I knew how to balance it between the innocent smile and the determined look. Yeah! I am one of those who have to see a start in each step and to analyze, think, structure, act then assume bravely.... I have to do that alone because someday, someone who I wished could stay beside me, left and left forever.
At some extend, this is the best of all loses that I could actually imagine. Many people try to convince me that I will just move on and a better feeling will knock ma door. Honestly, it is not ma first concern as I like to remind myself about it whenever I feel like crying something superficial or stupid that happens to me.

Today, I realize that there is a missing part of me, a part that had gone, a part that I can’t replace but just deal with. However, in this deal I learnt how to reflect it positively in my relations with others and yes! I do not matter as long as those who are around will remember me with the best of the thoughts.

Thursday, October 13, 2011

I have met people…

I have met people…
I have met people whose worry is how many plates they will eat per day. Full bellies are essential
I have met people whose worry is how much they gain at the end of the month by making others work for them. Illegal Benefit is a testimony of cleverness.
I have met people whose worry is how to do to wake up early to have enough time to spend it in front of the mirror. Appearance matters.
I have met people who have equations in their lives with one variable: themselves. There is ego and then all the rest.
I have met people who want wealth, beauty, and fame at once. Perfection exists.
I have met people who make others pay for their mistakes. Making guilty justifies the failure.
I have met people who when they believe in something they spend three quarter of their life convincing you that impossible is nothing but when it’s your turn to have your believes, they would stand telling you nothing is possible. All opinions are governed by one mind.
I have met people who are in online mode when they are in need, and then once it’s done, they turn to offline. In “Friends for benefit” there’s still the word “friend”.
I have met people who think that when they harm you they succeed their goals. Jealousy is the first key of success ;)
Then I have met people who spend their time trying to block the process of life while life is going on. To grow, stop the growth of others.
If you are having a hard life because you do not share such invaluable values then BE HAPPY!
Your matter is not before and isn’t in. it’s for after…
Because only matters what God thinks

Wednesday, October 5, 2011


1st October.
What a crazy world ! it’s my dad’s birthday and guess what reminded it to me.
Yeah! It’s the fake facebook page that I created a year ago for him that notified me about it.
My dad is 49 today. He has for sure white hair by now and some lovely creatures playing with it….and I can only be so glad for him.
This was my first concession on planet earth. Probably the hardest thing in life that I am quite convinced of its goods by now. This is how I answered the question: “could we love someone more than ourselves?” By a YES!
One of the most precious things that God have gifted me beside my smiley face is this weird feeling that happiness is felt when your loved ones are happy. I was trying all the time to do it, but I was faced by failure so many times. From here, I stopped to understand what was wrong with me and I learnt something new.
When you care for someone, it isn’t always right to be beside him, his life goes on without you. Life might go better without you. In this case, if you truly care, let it go.
By now, I bet very few people really see what the moral of life is. Very few are those who wouldn’t care about how much they gain, what will they take for diner, how much do the colors of their clothing match, how perfect is the person they are with, and how many selfish achievement will they make running away from death and hoping their lives gets longer. But once you do it, you will understand that you might be happy without making your own “you” happy.

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Ps: I miss you all

11 PM. Frankfurt Airport.
Plane missed, while waiting for the next flight planned 8 hours later, I sat on the floor in an empty transit space. There was nothing or should I say “no one” around. I switched on my laptop and put the song of (let me go home).
Mostly, when I travel and listen to it, I love to go back to my country. I start missing my mum’s smile, my closest friends, and even the dirty streets of the old Casbah in Algiers.

Unfortunately, it didn’t work for me this time. In couple of seconds, I found my tears coming down like if I was facing the end of the world then I had two extreme and opposite feelings. I was firstly relieved because I could finally “cry” since during all the goodbye moments, I couldn’t feel it and it stressed me out to think for a second that my sensitivity is not reacting. Then I started to feel terrible. The 6 days training of Beirut were over. The mates with whom I spent an incredible week full of diversity, learning, share, exchange, support, jokes and love were no longer beside me.

You’d tell me that in couple of days, these feelings will calm down. It might be true and that’s why I am translating now to tell to these nice, crazy, sweet, helpful, caring, loving and special people my heart’s beatings for their superb friendship that I will hold inside me for sure longer than the week we spent together.

Saturday, July 16, 2011

Honor is what you can not have.

Sometimes, when nothing goes well around me, I sit alone to remind myself how lucky I am to feel better as soon as I remember God.
Few days ago, before going through an expected hard situation I posted on my statue a message that translated my deepest believes of today.
I have one alliance: myself and one supporter: God and it is much more than enough to succeed.
I believe in God, and If I didn’t I would have for sure been more miserable than this.
I believe in fate, in humanity, in wealth, in Allah’s tests to see how resistant and strong we are.
I believe also in all what he has made of his humans. I know that we commit mistakes because if we didn’t, he would have replaced us by other humans who will do that.
I know also that we tend to do great things to gain his love, or to gain other people’s love.
In this same context, we do also act in devilish ways that do not leave a complete negative impact.
Sometimes, it is from the injuries caused to us by others that starts the real joy of our lives. So who is the loser?
I have talked in my previous articles about jealousy. I myself have this feeling that I do manage on my own way or may be, I do use inside of me in order to get what I want legally
I do not consider myself as the most intelligent or beautiful girl in this universe but yet, I am surrounded by some kinds of undesired creatures that I wish God will keep away from me. Since couple of years, I start to feel annoyed by people’s jealousy which is complicating my life for no reason.
I personally have never been against doing bad things to achieve personal goals even though it is not my value in this short and endless life.
However, what astonishes me is when it is done stupidly.
What I mean is that when we want to cause pains to anyone we should make sure that the three conditions are united:
Our action won’t bereturned against us
We will reach a long term goal where the other person will be completely affected and will probably have no way to stand up and face us again.
And the most important: we won’t appear without values and lose our honor in people’s eyes.
So if one of them is not achieved, you will only consolidate your enemy’s position and give him enough strength to fight more and more.
What was done to me hurt me deeply. I do not deny it. I am human after all.
But seeing these people with no dignity and no honor and realizing that they couldn’t hurt me enough to break my entire moral health makes me and makes the entire society see them so small with a meaningless existence.
This pain is for sure a beginning of a new challenge in my life and more success that will be my way to respond to you.
Till I make it come true, I wish them a nice time inside their dishonor and mediocrity.

Friday, May 27, 2011

What really matters

A long lazy Friday came to its end. It’s been a week that I am suffering from a terrible headache that reduces my ability to concentrate with the world around me.
My grandfather’s death is affecting my moral health. My heart is losing his loved ones one by one making the future really scary for me.
I have to admit that I am tired and all the methods I am using do not help me to cheer up even though my motivation has always been bigger than my losses.
I have my own vision about love, and I guess each one does too. Between both of them, matters only what we succeed in completing, the smiles we draw, the dignities we respect, the eyes we make brighten, the souls we touch and the modesty we show to put people’s happiness before ours.
When my dad left, my mom used to take me often for shopping to “bring me up”. My wardrobe is full but still I am not cheerful. Then when my love left, my so called friends took me for diner in a very nice restaurant where they got kind of busy admiring some boys. I was not hungry when we left but I wasn’t up either.
I’ve heard so many people saying that money makes happiness. In this context, I do wonder what wealth, care and attention make then.
I do not know if it is my vision which is different once again. My closest friend already tried to explain to me that feelings will never be enough to succeed because we are conditioned with our social environment that I am sure will end up accepting me or isolating me forever.

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

On the land of others.

I am back to this land to which I have always thought I belong too. I am back to my illusion with an eye full of reality.
I don’t know if this is a new habit that I am gaining but it seems that I never miss visiting the hospital for couple of days during the month of April of each year.
This time, I was in the middle of nowhere, in the land of Malian people who I truly thank for their care and sense of hospitality.

These two nights spent on a bed, alone, far from what people call “home” my feeling was basically stifled by physical pain that I didn’t take long time to realize I was the only one to seriously consider.

April 2011 was quite different from the previous one. I remembered God, I prayed, but I didn’t have a single thought of humans around me. I guess, I just learnt my lessons and understood that only matters how much you care for others, despite their egoism that will absolutely lead them to nothing.

During long years, I thought that I was one of those who could leave their print into people’s hearts.

I thought I was lovable and above all: one of those who deserve to be treated as human beings should be, in such bad and difficult moments.
My mom has always told me that it’s during the hard times that we know our real value into people’s lives.

I don’t deny being really stressed out when I was sick in Bamako. I was really afraid that the ones I thought do care for me, will not.
Fortunately for some hopes and unfortunately for others, I had a kind of deep thought when I started to feel better and my mind regained its ability after taking doubled doses of medicines.

I have the total conviction today that each step with people should be counted in advance in matter of subjects I already bothered you with for so many times in my previous posts: trust, confidence, love…etc.

I am somehow disappointed for not being able to attend the whole sessions of the summit that was the main aim of my trip. I have some feelings of guilt, and sadness especially toward my mom and my boss who I really wanted to make quite prouder about me than what they are.

At the end, April 2011 is one more experience in the agenda of my stories with this incredible land that follows me wherever I go with each endless lessons about values that I sincerely hope some will acquire them someday.
Thank you for reading.

Tuesday, March 29, 2011


“ There are people who have their place in our hearts because they decided so, those who got it in our lives because God decided so, for all the rest; there is no place nor in the first, neither in the second because we decided so “

It took me long time, efforts, and probably more than tears, pains, disappointment and lose to finally realize and yet I am not sure I really do understand that it is time for me to move on.
May be I don’t really need to move on, but to set to myself another goal, not specifically in the same field. This would be absolutely impossible but to succeed in something different that would not necessary cure my moral pains but give me some strength to stand up again.
I’ve thought that what hurts in love was to see the one you are dying for, going away.
When my dad left, I was totally convinced that his departure was the hardest feeling that I would never have, but I was wrong. I could dare it.
People do suffer ignorance, and handle hardly the fact of being left for no logical reason, in my case for being good, and there are cases worse than that: Just because simply they do want to start a new life in which we don’t have the right to take part. I think that this would be the worst one followed by making fun, reaching an expiry date in any kind of relationship in the “hearts” of those who we name “men and women” of our lives.
I’ve been trusting a lot but also betrayed so many times, and each time I found a reason to get back to trust again.
However, I have a strong feeling this time that I don’t want to do it anymore. Doubts do fill my thoughts even though I keep being the same one with everyone around me by doing whatever I can for them.
Today, I have hopes, very few right, but existing and the most precious wish I hold inside of me is to see people promising what they can keep, or may be less, and keeping it after that. I guess, it isn’t only a principal of respect toward others but toward oneself first, and this is the most important value making the difference between human beings and creatures pretending to be so.

Friday, February 18, 2011

PS: I love you

Rains and cold have covered the emotions of my day.
From the window, I never have the same view, but from my thoughts, I assure you that I always do.

And when the four seasons went and came, when the sun shined above all people’s hearts; I realized that while love was considered as not enough for some people, yours would have overflowed my soul if you didn’t take your hand away from mine.

The words of the entire kingdom of sensitivity, the poems, the legendary love stories combined to my coward letters that I could never gave to you, aren’t enough to tell you how much happiness I wish you with what you have chosen.

I am sorry because all I could do was to love you and I guess love wasn’t enough for you.
Promise me, from this furthest land in which you are, to be happier than what I wanted to make you.

Promise me to smile and keep it on your lips for a while.
Promise me to make your eyes shine again …I am sure that your feelings are plain, this is just how you can gain…

Promise me to work hard to succeed, and tend your hand to others when you need …to be helped..
Promise me not to throw our dreams away and make them come true, someday.
Promise me to give without counting, as I have done with you.
Promise me to forget about me soon and fill the space with more alive memories of your future.

Promise me that when loneliness involves my buried heart, when the whole world will ignore the pure words coming straight from my eyes, you will be there to read proudly my last lines with care and strongly believe that despite my clumsiness I loved you in time when love was considered as not enough for some people to which you belong.

Saturday, February 12, 2011

Remember me

03 :46PM
My phone rings, It is a text message. The sender: my aunty, replying to my message sent about an hour ago in which I asked about the family.
In the message: “Hi Zahra, we are all good. You have a new cousin. Your aunt had a baby a month ago. Take care”.
Another cousin came to the world. Unbelievable! I realized that I don’t know the last three ones who were born and the three other ones before these three ones can hardly recognize me today, same for me by the way.
They have grown for sure since that year of that century in which we met for the last time.
Zakaria, in few months, or years, when he will start understanding the world around him, his mom will show him an album, that wasn’t updated since 19XX. She will tell him about a cousin called Zahra, the eldest one in all the family, who “used to be” a brilliant student. She lives so far, and probably has long hair, today.
A memory on a paper or a photo for some people, an imaginary person for others, and may be worse than that for my own person, that’s my reality and one more time, this is just how life decided to go.
I don’t want anyone to feel sorry, since stories similar to this one are becoming so usual for me.
However, I want each one of us to promise what he can keep. My promise to you doesn’t have a name, a title, a limit, or context.
It isn’t because I don’t know what you mean to me, I do strongly know where you stand in my heart.
But love isn’t what I feel toward you. Just because love is what those people said they hold for me and it wasn’t enough to draw my smile, the way I fought to draw yours.
Love has an expiry date and for all those who “loved” me, this date already passed, but you are still remaining in the same corner, and yet you will keep doing so.
So dear, when days will go on, and this album that won’t be updated for years since this 20XX is pulled to talk randomly about me, when I become a memory on a photo or an imaginary one for all people around me, remember to remember me they I remember you.

Saturday, January 29, 2011


The weather changed today so many times that I couldn’t really understand in which season I am.
In my city, in 24hours, people change much more than the weather; incredible but true.
I have reached recently, a certain degree of absence of trust that scares my future initiatives.
Since couple of weeks, I am having kind of weird and repetitive schedules: early wake up, quick moves, running everywhere, thinking that my world will miss a lot if I don’t leave my bed and do something for it. I rarely have time for lunch, to share it with someone.
Then I come back after hard moments with the traffic jump and transportation, enter into a re-integration process under my shower. Then I fix my headache with a cup of tea, and something sweet to get my energy back, already in front of my computer, because this world that doesn’t want me, do expect so many things from me.
And life goes on…
I am human, and just like all humans I have dreams that are trying to stand against the realities of life in an unbalanced society.
In the middle of this nowhere, I am quite happy with myself; my fast learning and my courage may be not to overcome what I have been through but to understand that l still can get better things in life.

I thought betrayal was an end, but I discovered that it was the beginning of everything.
I thought life could be related to people’s presence in our lives but it doesn’t. It just takes the road you give to it since the beginning, and it is just up to us to make it right or wrong at each step we have.
I am not sure to what extend is it true to think that mistakes from which we learn are no longer ones but learning is the best proof of smartness .
I don’t want to have a life of regret and I don’t want to inflict it to anyone and this is one of my biggest strength.
As strength that I sincerely hope will make me wake up every day to have this same schedule to give to my world small things with a big heart.

Thursday, January 6, 2011

Lack of smile

I form part of this world since 22 years.
From them:
19 years spent without my dad, and still going on
18 years without a home, that I probably can change someday if I get enough money
10 months with the memory of a tragic accident, that left such a huge injury inside of my soul.
A year with a broken heart, that I wish God will make justice for it.
6 months jobless, bad luck for Algerian companies, they just don’t know what they miss.
And yet, I am still alive.
I am alive but I am a different one now.
I have the feeling that I am starting 2011 with no good goals in my personal life.
You will wonder if I am a messy girl who couldn’t make some order to set priorities but I assure you: if you just look at my wardrobe, my books shelf or the files on my computer, you will understand that the matter is something else.
2010 was a real year of sacrifices, and yet I am still thinking of doing more.
I feel like a hero with some of them. I feel like a dumb, brainless, dolt hero.
I feel this way because I know I should have regrets but I loved being someone’s hero so much that I can’t help having this feeling of regret.
I know I am a warrior, but I know also that everything has an expiry date and I am just wondering if troubles are going to be stronger than my doses of positive acting and thinking.
Let us give to time the power to decide

Saturday, January 1, 2011

2010 VS 2011

I can imagine the number of articles you will across these days, talking about the New Year, the new resolutions, the end of a period and the beginning of another one. But what people don’t realize is that they are saying the same thing since their life started to be a little bit more complicated than hard day at the primary school waiting to get home to take a big cup of milk with pancakes.

At the end of each year, I read the same status on my friends’ profiles: “goodbye year X , welcome new year and hope things will be better”
I wonder if all these people know that change can’t be done by the beginning of another series of 12 months but with the motivation to act the way we want others to do.

This year I decided to be one of those people who can’t be total idiots for long, I decided to change my mind.
I decided not to write any resolution and live for couple of months with no basic aim in my personal life.

I decided to keep having my long walks, my loud monologs, my lonely life and above all: the few human kind values that I still have.
2010 ended in my agenda, but it didn’t end in my life.

It didn’t end because all what the humanity has been through is still remaining, and I am sure it will keep raping my memory till something new and permanent comes to occupy my thoughts 24H per day to learn how to get used to live with the moral pain of impurity or till I loose my memory and this case will be a little bit complicated because you will need to remind me who I am, something that no one can do.

I had to understand that not all those who supported me someday, do really respect me, and those who don’t respect others, they don’t respect themselves in real.
I don’t know what God is preparing for me but I am quite convinced that something completely unexpected is going to happen to me soon.
I am just so excited for it, to be able finally to prove that everything happens for a reason.

In this new year, I thank God for making me one of his servants and for being there to make things work the “right” way.