Friday, September 24, 2010

The realities of my moral pain (1)

My grand mother
On my way to find the true reasons of my moral pain that is taking the shit out of me, and in continuation of my articles “this life of mine”, I judged necessary for myself and the few ones who care for me to talk about what plays a huge role in hurting my smile daily.
I remember the first article i published about my grandmother few months ago, and I remember also that I adopted a funny style in writing it for my Spanish classes.
From that time till now, many things changed in my grand mom’s attitude but unfortunately not to the best.
In the Algerian culture; there is a proverb that I absolutely don’t believe in, which says: more precious than the son, is the son of the son.
It means that the grandson is supposed to be loved by his grandparents much more than his dad or mom.
To some extends, this is true! My grandparents do love their grandsons as much as they hate me, and I might seem mad if I tell you that it doesn’t surprise me because I am a real individual who doesn’t fake a smile to get benefit and this is the real difference between me and the others.
Even though my situation seems to some of my friends a simple one, for me, it doesn’t.
I just spent three days on this article and I am still not done with it. Whenever I remember something to post, I feel terribly bad that I stop directly writing.
Many words would join each other to describe her behavior: jalousy, madness, love of control, lack of interest from her sons and daughters.
I don’t know which one is exactly the right feeling that she is using against me but I am quite convinced that what she does isn’t for my benefit.
I realized recently that I am losing the smallest rights that you all live with and don’t even think of because they are too obvious.
I can’t take showers whenever I want, she thinks I am exaggerating with water and I have to pay the bills.
I never use the phone but I have to pay their communications just because I need an active landline to maintain my connection working.
When I decide to cook, I have no right to use the vegetables at home. I need to go to get myself what I need and above all, no one eats except me and my mom.
She insults me because I used to be a university student. Studies are for men only!

When we are eating all together and she doesn’t like something in her plate, she takes it and throw it into mine..This makes me sick, and what makes me feel worse is to remember that she was the one behind the incident that happened to me last march; an incident that changed my whole life and made of me a real bad person following my own judgment.
Remembering these events affect my mind a lot. I am sincerely feeling terribly bad day by day and being surrounded by people like her doesn’t help me to fix myself.
The 10th week of my moral pain, and I am sure that this free fall will last for quite long time. I am disgusted of the whole of the world and sincerely nothing and no one can draw a smile on lips for the present moment.
I hope that God, the biggest and the only one present for all his creatures will be beside me and won’t leave me alone.

Saturday, September 18, 2010

This life of mine (1)

In front of my computer, sitting with a song, absolutely bored, and pissed off with this empty life I am having since my graduation, i remembered the Algerian proverb saying: getting attached to something is so easy but getting rid of it is something we can’t stand.
It seems that I got used to what I most hate in this life: the feeling of total conviction that I am living alone.
I decided to start a new series of articles in which I am planning to talk about my vision to my own life. I am not sure of the result of what I will come up with but anyhow, I know you will share me your feedback in all cases…
I am finally indifferent toward my moral pain that lasted for more than 2 months. Even though I am not feeling good, I am making big efforts to fake a smile in order not to annoy my so called friends and people surrounding me in this daily life.
I adopted a very strange strategy to reach this point.
I imagined the worst ends of the few good things left in my life “sorry, if my words seem too depressive, I just can’t help it” and then I convinced myself that my wishes might not come true.
I bet I was right, as things aren’t always the way you expect them to be.
I have the feeling that everything is so superficial around me, that I believed in unreal things and promises, that my life isn’t what I expected it to be, that my best friends are not really the friends I thought they were, that motivation doesn’t come by itself but it is always depending on what others inflect to you.
I have the feeling that behind my innocence people can’t see who I am. And so do I behind their vices and impurity.
With my mom nothing works these days. We are unable to have a talk and being in such a bad period all I need is ears to listen to me and arms to breathe in.
There are plenty of things that I truly miss.
I miss myself; I miss my motivation and ambition when I am in my white blouse and formal skirt in the marketing department or hygiene control.
I miss the language classes and the fun my mates you used to have with me when we play theatre.
I miss making these delicious dishes I learnt at the cooking classes and share them with my loved ones.
I miss each moment of joy of my childhood when my mind wasn’t enough smart to realize how hard life can be.
I don’t know what do the coming days hold for me and I am quite scared of the moral pain but I am convinced God knows what is best.

Friday, September 10, 2010

On my way to find myself (2)

The 40th day of my moral pain.
In the middle of the darkness of this feeling that is lasting for quite long time, I sat with some candles around after the light was cut, trying with my fake smile to get a moment of silence to have a conversation with myself.
My life has lost completely its balances since few weeks. It’s absolutely incredible to feel this way.
But anyhow, I have learnt a lot. I truly did and once I feel better (Inchalah), I swear I will no longer involve myself in such a bad situation anymore.
My ignorance has thought me how to seek knowledge, not the one I am used to find in books and think that once I learn it, I can rule the world, but the one that I get while walking in the streets, observing the human being vice and egoism.
Luck thought me that my motivation will never be enough to get what I need.
There is always a power above mine that unfortunately doesn’t give me the choice.
I hope if the feelings of love that we hold inside us for others could change their way of affecting us.
And my two loved ones realize that their behavior is making of my existence a piece of shit on this planet.
I wish to have someday this view from the top, but what I most want is to remember myself climbing to it with honor and high values.
I wish that we can finally, respect people’s choices, leave them live their lives the way they want, and get away from them when we just don’t have any good thing to offer.

Friday, September 3, 2010

On my way to find myself (1)

21 :25
From the window of my room, between the sound of the prayers of Tarawih in the mosque and the ones of my thoughts, I sat like each night in my purple room that is getting more and more colors with the decoration elements that my mom is adding daily. I sat with a song. It seems that I feel quite better, just a little bit but it is still a won battle in the way of the huge war that I lunched against this painful moral injury that turned my life upside down.
All of this doesn’t matter. I know I have to stand up because the world doesn’t stop at my pains.
I know that I have to carry-on living because this is the best and only way to be a winner and make of each one who caused me a drop of pain a real loser.
Recently, I realized that whenever I think that I reached my limits with soreness I discover that there is harder and stronger than what I actually feel.
And whenever I feel that I came to an end, I get so many reasons strongly sustained by my feeling of being a nice person that help me to stand up and do my best for myself firstly, and for my loving ones afterwards.
I am not sure of knowing where I am, how I feel, who do I trust or what I really want or need.
I am in the total indifference and disappointment at my motivation, the few dreams I had and the few people I really used to count on
But anyway,
I sincerely hope that the coming days will bring some happiness to my life and give me some strength to get back to myself who is actually the only one I miss nowadays.