Monday, December 20, 2010

Goodbye trust

I am Zahra, and here is my story with “trust”
Few years ago, I took the bus. An old man was sitting just in front of me. He looked at me, I smiled. He said: my daughter, you have an angelic face.
I smiled again, I thanked him, and I said: his words are so trusted. Was I right? I don’t think so.

I had after that a friend, he asked me borrow him money, I trusted him, and I did.
I never got it back but I said: he is a friend, let us just not care…
Then I met a girl, she called me “best friend”. I was so affected..I said: she knows what she is doing, let us give her some trust.

Couple of weeks later, I went somewhere with other friends, I didn’t call her to come with me….She called and made me hear very disrespectful words.
Then I decided to buy a computer, I went to the shop. The guy was so religious; all his sentences were starting with the name of God. I said he deserves to be trusted. He sold me a machine that stopped working three months later and refused to refund me.

Then I went to university and had to prepare projects in groups. We divided the tasks… I said lets trust them and count on them to finish their parts. The day of the presentation nothing was ready.
Then I had a relative starting his own business in pastry. He asked for my help. I dedicated all my days long to teach him and lunch his business. I said: he is absolutely trusted.

Few times later, I was on a bed at hospital for a trauma caused by violent blows on my head. He was responsible.
Then I met a boy. He told me:” I am different from all people you know…I will always be right there for you”…I loved him, and said who else except this one deserves my trust?

From that day, I didn’t hear from him.
Recently,
I took the bus. An old lady told me: you have such nice eyes. I told her: you still can find much better
Then I met someone, she said: we are best friends. I told her: I don’t deserve to be trusted. I am a selfish one, so be aware
I went to a shop to buy something. The guy said: it is a good product. I replied: don’t add a word, I am a better marketer.

Someone asked me to borrow her money. I said: I will give you the half of what you need, because I don’t want it back.
I met a boy. He told me: you have the most beautiful smile never seen.
I told him: your vocab needs some updates.
I might get experience, from what life inflects to me. I might learn more. I might suffer and feel better. I might know who my friends are; I might get my heart back as I might not

But I am sure..No one will get my trust…. As long as I am alive….
And this was my story with the trust.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

A word to myself

A rainy day filled my hours in the most disliked city of the world.
I decided today to get some rest. With the cold outside, I sat under my cover for the whole day.
I am planning tomorrow to have one of these long walks to take a breath.
Since couple of weeks, I am having a deep feeling of loneliness even though I am surrounded by billion people nearly all the day.
I was walking last week and looking at people passing by; and for the first time, I felt stranger.
Stranger on what I thought was my land. From this time, I took couple of decisions.
I decided to have a new friend: myself. I am sure this new one will always understand me
I decided to leave. I might not feel better, but I won’t feel worse.
I decided to fight for my values, even if they make this entire planet pissed off.
I decided also not to forgive myself for the mistakes I have committed. This is the only way to be sure that I won’t make them anymore.
The events of the second semester of 2010 are still hurting me deep inside. I find it absolutely hard to move on.
Some people suggested me to add this to my experience about life, others to put it on the count of fate and destiny. Myself, I put it on the list of what my unborn children will never face as long as I am alive beside them.
I think that my biggest lose is the ability to trust. Today, all my relationships are professional and I don’t want them to get closer than this. I don’t have this desire to be who I used to be, 6 months ago.
And I think…. I think that about human being rights and values I understood a lot.
I understood that I should help everyone, admire few ones, but trust and love no one.
I understood finally the difference between what we need and what we want.
I understood that who we love aren’t necessary those who should be loved, that love isn’t about sacrifices but about self satisfaction that is also based on satisfying those occupying a place in our hearts.
I don’t have many hopes to myself in this side, except that my loved ones: Mom, dad and few other ones will remember the best of me, if they have to remember me someday
But I sincerely wish that till that unexpected day in which my kids will come to this world, law will set new articles to save the humanity of real human beings.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

DZ LAND

I have always considered myself as a citizen of this world.
I don’t know f I should worry because I don’t have any special feeling toward any particular land on this earth but I do admit that this sensation is the best.
I like Algeria for so many reasons. The passport and Identity card are green which is my favorite color. We have this city called Tlemcen that I discovered recently, where all boys wish to marry for I don’t know which reason.
Food is cheap, and so are the stomacher medicines.
But Algeria isn’t only this.
3rd dirtiest county.
To across 3 km you need more than 3 hours with the traffic jump.
You can never know at what time the bus comes, so most of people think that you are an irresponsible person when you give an appointement and you don’t reach it on time.
To get your papers at the town council you need (Ma3rifa) which is basically knowing someone who works there to make it easy for you to get what you have all the rights to get it.
I went once at 9Am, I took a ticket, it was number 100. I went home and came back around 3pm. They were still at number 300 of the previous account.. So I understood that I had to came back the next day at the same time…
I asked once for 2 residence certificates because in the administration they asked me to bring two. The guy told me: oh no, I will give you only one….
I don’t know why did he give me just one?! He only had to put the tracing paper to get as many copies as he wants by writing only one certificate.
My mom went once to get me a certificate of birth. They told her we can’t give it to you, ask your daughter to come personally. It seems that they didn’t believe that she was my mom, right?

Job interviews are my best part.
I applied for a job couple of weeks ago. I had three interviews, two of them in English and the interviewer didn’t understand a word..Opps: he forgot to mention that he doesn’t speak it.
After that I started working, so In order to keep their superiority, some of my mates started saying that I over estimate myself.



That’s actually a big issue with Algerians.
I swear I wish to be other than what I am but I can’t manage it.
It isn’t me who says that I am a hotel manager but the executive decree N° 94-255. I bet that law doesn’t lie, right?
Relationships and love…What am I supposed to start with?
I was working in that hotel when a client came to the reception.
I took his identity card and started filling his profile, then I looked at him and I noticed he was stressed..
I asked: is everything ok, sir?
He replied: please hurry up!! This is my weeding night..
I put my pen, I couldn’t finish that check in. I went to the back office and wondered why from the 100 hormones in the human body, the Algerians have only one that works.
I do believe that no Algerian has over came the frustration of sex. This makes it hard for me to be in a relationship for the coming century.
I met once a friend of mine and I asked her to go for shopping.
I stopped at a shop attracted by small red shoes for babies. I told her that I would really love to have one someday.
She told me: why don’t you just do like me and get married?
I remembered the unidentified creature she is married to, spending his days along sleeping, eating, getting fat and using a vulgar language.
I told her: this is the difference between us, you needed a sperm distributer, but I need a man.

Excuse my words if you don’t agree with them but it seems that my life took a big turner on the 6th of June 2010.
I believe much more in my values since that day, and I am quite sure that somewhere in this universe there is a land where people can simply deal with my rationality which is killing me slowly in Algeria.
I gave one promise to myself. The next 6th of June, that I doubt the concerned one about it will remember it with me, will be my last day here
I don’t know where will my hopes take me but I am quite convinced my mind will suffer less anywhere out of Algiers 

Monday, November 29, 2010

PS: I love you

I am not sure of knowing the real reason that make people fight for life. Is it power, wealth, knowledge, love, or something else?
I am not sure of anyone of them but I am quite convinced that whatever they could be, they are for sure different from mines, and here my story starts.
In his book: “The world as I see it”, Einstein said: “ We exist for those on whose smiles and welfare all our happiness depends”. The day I read it, then looked at people around me, I realized that this deep sense of life is just like his riddle, that 98% of the population of the world wouldn’t understand.
I remember myself, couple of months ago. I was still student full of hopes and dreams. At that time, my vision about life was too scary. Losing was one of the words that I could do anything to avoid it.
This fear made me unable to take any step in my personal life and professional career even though I have always known that I was able and I could, with the motivation and ambition that I have, reach up to the sky.
In the middle of these feelings, I didn’t realize that I was about to live the biggest experience of my entire life.
A winter day of a sweet November, a random meeting that leaded to a pure friendship, moments of laughter and joy, so many crazy situations, strongly trusted feelings and wonderful sense of share .
It was the beginning of a sweet story, that unfortunately came to end. An end that ended every gentle feeling of trust inside of me forever.
I have known the meaning of sacrifices, which is basically doing what we don’t want to do or we can’t do, because we just have to do it and because it is the only way to save some people’s smile.
On this way, I have done a lot. I have done what went completely against my personality and my spirit and I told myself: you will be the winner because you will die remembering smiles you have drawn, not hearts you have broken.
I don’t know where my way of thinking will lead me to, I don’t if my principles are the right ones on this planet.
Today, I truly believe that all relationships between people have an expiry date, and what hurts more isn’t the end, or the loose but the feeling that what we have believed in wasn’t that true.
It’s this total conviction that we build a wrong image to someone and we refuse to see the reality even when all the world around us is trying to help to over come it.
I am today someone new, someone who can smile whatever happens.
The traffic jump of Algiers doesn’t annoy me. I walk under the rains and I don’t complain.
I eat anything that I like just to have the energy to crunch life and get the best of it.
I don’t give a shit to people’s opinions when they try to touch my personality.
I am just too optimist without anything and that’s actually my true victory against the pains.
I bet that once trust is lost there is no way to get it back and I am so sorry for those who lost mine.
but any way, this is just how life goes…
And as I always say: the best challenge in life isn’t about reaching its aims in life but it is about reaching them without causing damages around us.

I thank all of you for reading.

Thursday, October 28, 2010

l'histoire de la fille, du mec et de la relation

Je dédie cette histoire à toutes les personnes dont les neurones sont présents en quantité assez basse pour comprendre le langage du cœur d’un être amoureux.
Il était une fois, une fille, un mec et une relation. Les trois se lancèrent sur un chemin d’une chose très simple que les humains tentent à tout prix de compliquer : « la vie ».
A la recherche de la paix de l’âme, la fille se lança dans une recherche très profonde mais peu absurde : celle de l’amour.
Elle rencontra après avoir quitté son petit chalet le boulanger de son village : c’était un homme sympathique, travailleur, sérieux, responsable, drôle et il avait du pain gratuit tous les jours !
Ce dernier désira construire une relation avec elle. Elle l’observa pendant quelques minutes et réalisa qu’avec lui, certes elle ne manquera pas de pain, ni de chaleur (émanant du four) mais elle ne sera jamais comblée, car quelque chose manque à cette relation.
C’est en fait, une bonne relation, hélas pas avec la bonne personne.
A quelque centaines de kilomètres elle rencontra un nouvel homme, dans son lieu de travail. Plutôt gentil, intelligent, d’une certaine classe, bien habillé, bien éduqué, avec un bon boulot, de l’argent (si ceci fait plaisir à certaines), une bonne façon de s’exprimer. Bref, il avait tout pour qu’elle le prenne mais même cette fois-ci, elle refusa de le faire, car au milieu de cette perfection, quelque chose manquait. Quelque chose qui ferait que tout le reste serait juste une éphémère condition.
C’était encore une fois, une bonne relation.
La petite fille n’abandonna pas, et continua son parcours, et c’est ainsi qu’après des milliards de kilomètres, elle rencontra par hasard, un homme. Un homme comme des centaines d’autres : égoïste, désagréable, méchant et cruel . A celui la, elle s’arrangea toujours pour trouver des justifications à ses faits et gestes. Avec lui, tout était beau et tout méritait le sacrifice.
C’était le parfait imparfait, si j’ose décrire l’amour avec ces mots.
Et enfin, c’était la bonne personne.
La bonne relation ne veut pas toujours dire qu’on est avec la bonne personne.
Avec la bonne personne on ne peut pas toujours avoir la bonne relation.
J’espère qu’après avoir lu et compris cette petite histoire, certains vont arrêter de dire : « vous êtes tellement belle, comment ça se fait que vous êtes célibataire ? »
« Vous cherchez une relation sérieuse ? » (au lieu de dire : « vous cherchez la bonne personne ? »
Et surtout, nombreux cesseront de prendre le cœur humain pour une machine à « shift Supp » qui peut oublier les plus beaux sentiments dédiés à la BONNE personne même si on n’a jamais eu avec elle la BONNE relation.
Merci

Saturday, October 2, 2010

The realities of my moral pain (2)


My mother
The 79th day of my moral pain
I have spent long time telling to everyone that i belong to the cathegory of people who do not beleieve in true love. I tried my hard to prove it and Iwas quite sure of what I was saying.
So many people tried to convince me telling me about their love stories, but I am pretty sure this isn’t always true.
Today in my heart, I hold two people, just two. The first one is my mom. The only one that I sincerely hope God won’t take from me.
My mom and I started living together when I entered the high school. After my parents divorced, she stayed alone in another city and used to come to visit me from time to time.
It was so hard for me to see my mom leaving when her vacation ends. I think that this was one of the biggest things that weakened my heart and my personality.
I know today that my mom’s happiness stops at my success in life and I know also that my life is completely fucked up.
Since few days my moral state really reached a bad situation. I am not even caring or excepting people to do anything for me because I feel that I am finished.
I have lost all desires to do everything and honestly no one and nothing matters me except my mom and the fears of making her disappointed with this state I am in.
I wish if I could have brothers and sisters so that my mom can feel happier with.
My mistakes make me feel guilty towards her because I know she scarified a lot for me and today I am not able to give her back anything,
I am not able to work, to offer her a house, to take her for trips, to make her smile or simply invite her for a tea.
I sincerely hope that my mom will forgive me for who I am today because I am not proud of it.
And I wish that God will give me just a small power to do something with myself to draw a smile on the sun that brightens my life: my mom.

Friday, September 24, 2010

The realities of my moral pain (1)


My grand mother
On my way to find the true reasons of my moral pain that is taking the shit out of me, and in continuation of my articles “this life of mine”, I judged necessary for myself and the few ones who care for me to talk about what plays a huge role in hurting my smile daily.
I remember the first article i published about my grandmother few months ago, and I remember also that I adopted a funny style in writing it for my Spanish classes.
From that time till now, many things changed in my grand mom’s attitude but unfortunately not to the best.
In the Algerian culture; there is a proverb that I absolutely don’t believe in, which says: more precious than the son, is the son of the son.
It means that the grandson is supposed to be loved by his grandparents much more than his dad or mom.
To some extends, this is true! My grandparents do love their grandsons as much as they hate me, and I might seem mad if I tell you that it doesn’t surprise me because I am a real individual who doesn’t fake a smile to get benefit and this is the real difference between me and the others.
Even though my situation seems to some of my friends a simple one, for me, it doesn’t.
I just spent three days on this article and I am still not done with it. Whenever I remember something to post, I feel terribly bad that I stop directly writing.
Many words would join each other to describe her behavior: jalousy, madness, love of control, lack of interest from her sons and daughters.
I don’t know which one is exactly the right feeling that she is using against me but I am quite convinced that what she does isn’t for my benefit.
I realized recently that I am losing the smallest rights that you all live with and don’t even think of because they are too obvious.
I can’t take showers whenever I want, she thinks I am exaggerating with water and I have to pay the bills.
I never use the phone but I have to pay their communications just because I need an active landline to maintain my connection working.
When I decide to cook, I have no right to use the vegetables at home. I need to go to get myself what I need and above all, no one eats except me and my mom.
She insults me because I used to be a university student. Studies are for men only!

When we are eating all together and she doesn’t like something in her plate, she takes it and throw it into mine..This makes me sick, and what makes me feel worse is to remember that she was the one behind the incident that happened to me last march; an incident that changed my whole life and made of me a real bad person following my own judgment.
Remembering these events affect my mind a lot. I am sincerely feeling terribly bad day by day and being surrounded by people like her doesn’t help me to fix myself.
The 10th week of my moral pain, and I am sure that this free fall will last for quite long time. I am disgusted of the whole of the world and sincerely nothing and no one can draw a smile on lips for the present moment.
I hope that God, the biggest and the only one present for all his creatures will be beside me and won’t leave me alone.

Saturday, September 18, 2010

This life of mine (1)

In front of my computer, sitting with a song, absolutely bored, and pissed off with this empty life I am having since my graduation, i remembered the Algerian proverb saying: getting attached to something is so easy but getting rid of it is something we can’t stand.
It seems that I got used to what I most hate in this life: the feeling of total conviction that I am living alone.
I decided to start a new series of articles in which I am planning to talk about my vision to my own life. I am not sure of the result of what I will come up with but anyhow, I know you will share me your feedback in all cases…
I am finally indifferent toward my moral pain that lasted for more than 2 months. Even though I am not feeling good, I am making big efforts to fake a smile in order not to annoy my so called friends and people surrounding me in this daily life.
I adopted a very strange strategy to reach this point.
I imagined the worst ends of the few good things left in my life “sorry, if my words seem too depressive, I just can’t help it” and then I convinced myself that my wishes might not come true.
I bet I was right, as things aren’t always the way you expect them to be.
I have the feeling that everything is so superficial around me, that I believed in unreal things and promises, that my life isn’t what I expected it to be, that my best friends are not really the friends I thought they were, that motivation doesn’t come by itself but it is always depending on what others inflect to you.
I have the feeling that behind my innocence people can’t see who I am. And so do I behind their vices and impurity.
With my mom nothing works these days. We are unable to have a talk and being in such a bad period all I need is ears to listen to me and arms to breathe in.
There are plenty of things that I truly miss.
I miss myself; I miss my motivation and ambition when I am in my white blouse and formal skirt in the marketing department or hygiene control.
I miss the language classes and the fun my mates you used to have with me when we play theatre.
I miss making these delicious dishes I learnt at the cooking classes and share them with my loved ones.
I miss each moment of joy of my childhood when my mind wasn’t enough smart to realize how hard life can be.
I don’t know what do the coming days hold for me and I am quite scared of the moral pain but I am convinced God knows what is best.

Friday, September 10, 2010

On my way to find myself (2)


The 40th day of my moral pain.
In the middle of the darkness of this feeling that is lasting for quite long time, I sat with some candles around after the light was cut, trying with my fake smile to get a moment of silence to have a conversation with myself.
My life has lost completely its balances since few weeks. It’s absolutely incredible to feel this way.
But anyhow, I have learnt a lot. I truly did and once I feel better (Inchalah), I swear I will no longer involve myself in such a bad situation anymore.
My ignorance has thought me how to seek knowledge, not the one I am used to find in books and think that once I learn it, I can rule the world, but the one that I get while walking in the streets, observing the human being vice and egoism.
Luck thought me that my motivation will never be enough to get what I need.
There is always a power above mine that unfortunately doesn’t give me the choice.
I hope if the feelings of love that we hold inside us for others could change their way of affecting us.
And my two loved ones realize that their behavior is making of my existence a piece of shit on this planet.
I wish to have someday this view from the top, but what I most want is to remember myself climbing to it with honor and high values.
I wish that we can finally, respect people’s choices, leave them live their lives the way they want, and get away from them when we just don’t have any good thing to offer.

Friday, September 3, 2010

On my way to find myself (1)

21 :25
From the window of my room, between the sound of the prayers of Tarawih in the mosque and the ones of my thoughts, I sat like each night in my purple room that is getting more and more colors with the decoration elements that my mom is adding daily. I sat with a song. It seems that I feel quite better, just a little bit but it is still a won battle in the way of the huge war that I lunched against this painful moral injury that turned my life upside down.
All of this doesn’t matter. I know I have to stand up because the world doesn’t stop at my pains.
I know that I have to carry-on living because this is the best and only way to be a winner and make of each one who caused me a drop of pain a real loser.
Recently, I realized that whenever I think that I reached my limits with soreness I discover that there is harder and stronger than what I actually feel.
And whenever I feel that I came to an end, I get so many reasons strongly sustained by my feeling of being a nice person that help me to stand up and do my best for myself firstly, and for my loving ones afterwards.
I am not sure of knowing where I am, how I feel, who do I trust or what I really want or need.
I am in the total indifference and disappointment at my motivation, the few dreams I had and the few people I really used to count on
But anyway,
I sincerely hope that the coming days will bring some happiness to my life and give me some strength to get back to myself who is actually the only one I miss nowadays.

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Enough for this year :)

23 :00
After a walk in this hot evening of ramadan, i came back home to sit like every night in front of my computer.
Honestly, there isn’t much to do. Nothing to watch on TV and people seem to prefer staying each one in his own corner instead of visiting their relatives and enjoying the blessing moments of this month.
I am getting back to some good habits, just like praying In nights and doing my best to be a less bad person on this earth.
However, I started to get addicted to some annoying behaviors just like drinking a lot of coffee, and tea to stop my eternal headache that doesn’t leave me the whole of the day.
I am sleeping these days with the radio on, and even with this one, I find it hard to close my eyes.
My physical state is completely affected by the moral one: melancholy, abulia. God! What is next?!
I have to say that I am really in the middle of nowhere this time, and my worries are quite serious.
Since few days, I sat with myself and thought again of all what happened to me this year to find what is actually, going wrong.
I wish I didn’t do it. I wish I could be stupid in order not to realize the impurity of people and the reality of my world…
My moral pain is still the same, I am feeling worse each day and I really don’t know what to do to bring myself up.
I spend long nights thinking and thinking…I hope I could think of something nice, but all I remember is the bad things that happened to me since the last trip that I had to France, then the incident of march, the graduation time with hard work and pressure, my broken heart that trusted people who don’t even know what trust means, then the trip to Oran and the shocks that I got in some sensitive actions of VIH prevention.
I thought that I have overcame all these steps and I am stronger now, but I just realized that I am still in a real shit with these feelings.
For the first time in my life, I felt the real need of help but unfortunately, I am alone to face all of this.
It is like if you tend your hand and you find no other one to take it in the other side.
Believe me, such a feeling can’t be new, I was just too happy, and too available to all of them that I didn’t see the truth of each one of my pretended “friends”.
I am tired with this feeling of permanent sadness, tired of looking at myself in the mirror and realizing that my sweet smile is no longer on my lips.
I am tired of crying the whole night those who don’t even deserve a single thought of my mind.
I am even tired of being who I am… and with all of this, I’d say: enough!!

Thursday, August 19, 2010

A moral pain

Under heavy rains in the capital of Algeria, I set in front of my computer, in my room that got a new purple color, well chosen by mom, to think of my life.
This weather makes me so nostalgic and melancholic at the same time. I spent all the evening listening to music and looking at some pictures that I wish to wake up someday and find them totally erased from my memory. Well, this is my actual state since 2 weeks.
Ramadan started and so did the pleasures of Muslim people praying, reading the sacred Coran and getting closer to God with each single good action they can do.
From my side, as set in my plans, I got back to some old good habits and I am quite happy with that.
I hardly feel the time going… with a friend of mine, we decided to work for a restaurant as volunteers to serve food to poor people. It is really amazing!
This is concerning the positive aspects of my days…
I have a strong feeling that I am going through the hardest period of my entire life.
I am losing my smile like I have never done before. Jobless, heartbroken, I miss my daddy, I need holidays, I want to study, I want to make my mummy happy, I have enough motivation to build a career with what I love doing. I want to move on so many things that are still taking the shit out of me, and I realize in the middle of all of this, that I am alone to fight.
But fight against what? Against fate, against my mistakes, against luck, against the impurity of people or against myself. It just looks like a war, a big one, in which my weapons are too weak, too frail and helpless to defend the sensitive one I am.
I find it so hard to understand the world. This feeling drives me mad.
We judge according to our own parameters but we refuse to be judged the same way. We can’t handle people’s sincerity because we are too afraid of the good things that God, fate, luck or whatever you believe in, offers us.
I assure you that all the mathematical theories that I spent long years learning couldn’t help that much in such a place with such an irresponsible behavior that people adopt.
At the end, I don’t know… I just don’t know…
If it is me who should change. And if so, then what am I supposed to change?
My kindness? Because it is too much. I am sorry, I didn’t create myself, God did
My hopes? Because they won’t come true. I am a big dreamer so let me be.
My attitude? Because it isn’t similar to yours. I thought differences make the diversity of this world.
But it seems that according to you, I am a total shit committing a big mistake. A mistake that is teaching me the hard way about your impurity, instead of teaching of me about myself.
But I assure you… I am not happy with that…
I am afraid as I have never been. Afraid of what? I don’t know exactly. And in the middle of my tears, I feel this moral pain that gets worse day by day, even though I know, I am not guilty.
May be things had just to go this way.
May be, it isn’t true to think that we can chose absolutely everything in our lives.
May be, things have to happen for a specific reason that I sincerely hope to see soon, to bring myself up and cheer up.
I am not sure that I am getting my smile back. This time, it was seriously taken from me and I am just so sorry for what was inflected to my soul.
However, I am quite convinced that sooner or later, I will take my revenge… I will do in a good way because we don’t see the world in with the same eyes, and I am glad and delayed to realize that mine is at centuries of civilization from yours.
I thank all of you for reading.

Monday, August 9, 2010

A thought

I have started writing this article and I wasn’t knowing what should I exactly talk about..
I had a lot of free time recently but curiously, my inspiration was getting smaller and poorer.
I am so freaking lost with all what is going through my mind these days.
Since I graduated, I didn’t meet any good job opportunity and it is driving me sick. I am a very active person who can’t get used to have empty days with nothing to do.
I tried recently to join a new type of organization that takes care of kids, especially sick and abandoned ones. I am not sure of working for it for long time, but I met interesting opportunities to learn more about people, how they live, how they act, and how they hide their impurity.
Ramadan is coming and I am quite happy with that. It is my favorite month in the whole year. You really feel the sanity during it while fasting. I love the traditions that people all over the world adopt for 30 days.
I have already made a plan about some stuff that I want to accomplish on the religious plan… Hopefully, this will bring me up.
I have the feeling that the whole world is not ok this year. Whenever I read the news paper, I get chocked with a new disaster happening somewhere on this planet.
And I realize that my pains no matter how long, strong, serious, hard, hurting and important they are, there is somewhere else someone who is suffering much more than me.
I am discovering the real meaning of bravery since couple of weeks. I have the feeling that the true learning has just started for me.
After coming from my last trip I noticed that I have spent long time thinking that I learnt a lot, much more than my friends but all of this was false.
I am far away from what I have always called: “a view from the top”.
I am sure that life is still going to teach me more things. It will hurt me again, it will take my smile but I am enough brave to get it back.
It will disappoint the true person I am, and I will envy myself for that but not for long time for sure. My principals are too pure to bring me up as soon as I look at myself in the mirror and realize that this one in front of me didn’t cause any pain to anyone.
It will take my loved from my real world, but it would never take them from my heart.
It might take me from myself, but I will be back again, for sure 

Thursday, July 29, 2010

Men!!

I have spent long years of childhood and teenage listening to men talking about women
Women are complicated; women don’t know what they want in life, women are weak, women are complicated, and women are hard to understand but if they took just one second of observation to gaze at themselves, judging it instead of judging others, they would have noticed that they deal with a worse life style.
In 22 years of life on this miserable planet called Earth, I have met billion of men. Each one was totally different from the other with his hair or skin color, his diplomas or affinities in life but they got all the same common way of thinking that is situated unfortunately at centuries of lateness on the scale of civilization.
I ended up realizing that men are the last creatures of God that I will understand. It was even the first time for me to give up my efforts of understanding them.
I am even quite convinced that the few women putting the rings find it impossible to understand the one sharing their daily life.
With men:
If you express your opinion then you are trying to take the controle
If you don’t, then you are a creature without personality
If you are too sincere then you are weak, if you aren’t then you have never been educated.
If you love then you are too stupid, if you don’t, you are a player
If you kiss then you are too easy to get, if you don’t: you are playing the hard one and it doesn’t really suit him.
When you tell about a secret to others: you are an idiot who doesn’t know what does privacy mean, when he does: he is just too tired and needs to talk about it with his friends.
He will spend years begging for your love, and if you show interests in him, he is no longer interested and this is the thing that I would never understand.
However, if you don’t, then be sure he will die for you… and you are telling me you aren’t complicated!!
If he cheats on you then he is a man, if you do then you deserve that he cheats on you…
If you don’t forgive him, then you are a woman without heart, but when he does the same, it is just his dignity and you have to accept it…
I still have billion of examples of this incredible behavior that my eyes got real tired of seeing in each corner of the planet and I am really sorry to realize that this is the reality of men.
I bet that the first principal of Sida prevention is the best way to reach a better level of happiness amongst these creatures: to forbear 

Saturday, July 24, 2010

My trip to Oran


After a long walk in the fresh morning of Saturday, I sat in front of my computer to get back to my talks with my best friend: my blog.
I am having a period of reintegration to my life in the capital. As you all probably know, I was in Oran, a city in the west of Algeria to work with a program of AIDS Algeria.
We spent about 10days working along the beaches of Oran, getting in touch with families, and young people there, explaining them more about this sickness and how to prevent it.
I had what we c all a real experience…
I remember that I was hesitating between going to it or attending the conference of Seliger and I have just realized that I wouldn’t learn in Russia what I have learnt in Oran in couple of days.
I know what does the word experience mean now…believe me, I do…
I experienced so many kinds of feelings and I just feel that I am no longer the same one…
I challenged myself and even if I didn’t live a complete success, I came back happy with what I learnt.
I had to defeat my shy character, to go toward people, talk to them with no shame.
I had high doses of adrenaline when I went to the closed houses, I met prostitutes, I talked to them, I entered to their rooms, I even met their clients and Listened to their stories. It was such a big social shock that I handled with some tears for the rest of the day.
I met people, people who think, act, behave and do everything differently. These people couldn’t make any change in my personality but they made a change in my life… they gave me small lessons from which I gained big knowledge.
And I am glad to know that I have been and I will always be a good person. A person who can simply look at herself when she wakes up in the morning and this is the best feeling ever.
I am quite convinced that this trip will be a memory in few time, as soon as the next one will come but for now, I would love to thank all people who shared me this great experience.
I am thankful to everyone who contributed to my knowledge.
From the deepest of my heart, I miss all of you 

Monday, July 5, 2010

Enough..................By Zahra.B

A week had gone after my graduation. My undergraduate studies ended and the way to the master seems to be long and hard if not impossible. This is not a feeling… This is reality!
I am spending this kind of days that gives a superficial sensation of joy. I don’t like what I am in… I really do not…
I am back to this mood of silence, analyses and melancholy that the events of the year 2010 inflected to me. In the middle of nowhere, everything seems to be so close and so far at the same time.
I wish if I could describe you my sensation when I am unable to react against injustice or when I look into people’s eyes, the ones I know they wouldn’t talk to me if not for benefit or into the eyes of these that they got in their daily and casual life part of my wishes.
I look, I gaze sometimes, I smile without really smiling to convince myself that things are going to be alright… But deep inside me, I want to tell to the world that I got enough from it, that what I need is not changes but to get my spirit into a relieved situation where the human being insanity doesn’t exist in excess.
One of my closest friends described me as a person with a lack of self confidence and I don’t think he was wrong.
I just realized that the more I trust myself and give my best like a warrior, the less I get at the end, and the hardest the deceptions will be.
I have seen people around me changing, and I thought I wouldn’t change. I thought I will always be the same. I thought my convictions would face everything. I thought also that challenges were about being the best even if you don’t achieve what you really want. But in reality, I have never known myself.
I thought for long time to realize at the end, that my thoughts were all wrong, that you can’t make of this world what you want as long as it makes of you what it wants.
I realized that you have to deal with injustice if you are not enough strong to make justice.
I realized that purity is not about how appreciated you are but about how far you can go for people you appreciate.
And the biggest and, surely, most important thing I realized is that: no matter what you do during the long or short years of your life, putting yourself in victory or in shitty situations, your end and the one of these that you consider as better or worse than you, are going to be the same. The only difference would be how strong you believe that what you have done was right, true, and sincere.
I thank all of you for reading!

Sunday, July 4, 2010

To love vs To love

I still remember the afternoon of that sunny day when I was sitting with my friend “Bediang” talking about the true meaning of love.
What I remember most is this question that I have recently answered: can we love someone more than loving ourselves?
To come to an answer, I had to sit with myself and think of all people that I pretend being in love with. My mom, my relatives, my friends…
I thought for long time to realize that we all pretend to be what we aren’t.
Egoism is a feeling that we all live with. I don’t know in which situation you would use it but you do for sure, in one of these where you think that you are a true lover.
I give some examples:
If you have a piece of chocolate and someone asks u to give it to him and you refuse, then this is ego
If you give half of it to him, it is ego too.
If you give it all, then you love him more than loving your self
If you love someone then you discover that he loves someone else and you do your best to keep him beside you then this is ego.
If you let him go, then you do love him.
If you make of your parents a machine that distributes money, then this is ego
If you collect each centime to surprise them with, then you are a true lover.
I consider true love as something that we can meet few times in a life time. There for, each one should count well his steps before involving himself in any kind of confidence about his love feelings.
There are many ways of loving, and not all of them are good. So if you try to love to control or to want everything good for yourself then you are for sure exploding the entire situation that you put yourself in.
The human being egoism will always dare in the way of purity that you spend half of your life looking for , and the other half destroying it inside other people’s hearts.
I am not sure of adopting the right way to love people around me who I consider as the sun brightening my days but I am quite convinced that my ego is far away from all what I do to draw a smile, even a small one, on their lips




Thank you for reading!

Saturday, July 3, 2010

Jealousy

I spent long time trying to understand how does the human being system that provides feelings work.
I read books, I took classes of psychology, I observed people’s behavior, and I have done so many incredible things that you wouldn’t believe.
Unfortunately, it seems that my small humble brain and my simple life style will never came to an end with these learning steps. I have decided years ago to be a person who doesn’t complicate what God created and set as pure and true things.
I have never been forced to achieve anything and that’s why I consider that feelings are not something that we can prevent, plan for or control in a powerful side.
I discussed my thesis few days ago and my subject was about quality management.
It was more than a topic; I really lived it deeply and strongly. I think that I love what I do enough to do it in a perfect way.
From this point, a small sweet idea came to mind which was to make everything according to the color of my dress. My coworker had a tie with the same color as well and I really loved this harmony.
But what I didn’t expect was to realize that many people criticized my well done job; people who I considered as good mates; people who simply reached the achievement of the needs of accomplishment that I have talked about in my previous article.
I am sure of being a jealous person. I always love to protect my loved ones, and have them beside me in a moderate way. I met people who had all what I dreamed about but my feeling toward them was admiration. I think that jealousy is wrongly defined in our minds.
I consider it as the best way to get more motivation to work harder. It is also what makes other people realize how much you care about them.
I wish if people could take few minutes of their time to analyze this feeling as any other one, to tell themselves that all what God created inside the human being heart can be used positively and efficiently without harming people or causing any annoying thing to them.
At the end, jealousy that other people feel toward me has never hurt me anyhow
If it is a bad one, it gives me more power and if it is good, it adds happiness and confidence to my life.
I bet many people need to get over their small and limited geographical mind attitude to understand the real meaning of words and the pure sense of having an opportunity to be a human being on this land full of diversity and beauty, called: EARTH.
I thank all of you for reading

Friday, July 2, 2010

I have a feeling (5)

The morning of the 2nd day of July started with a melancholic weather that has some bad effects on my broken mood that is already suffering with my bad health.
Unable to leave my house, since the graduation day, my unexplained sickness drives me mad.
I feel so weak and my only hope is that this actual state doesn’t break my plans of travelling to Oran next weekend.
My graduation day was absolutely fantastic; everything was perfect, even though the director, president of the jury, was trying to contradict me all the time.
I ended up with 16/20 that I believe I strongly deserve because I worked alone and succeeded in doing more than what all the other students have done.
As I expected that day to be, the only person who represented my family was my mom..
I am really thankful to all my friends who came to support me, the ones who helped me like if they were real brother and sisters.
Curiously, I wasn’t that sad because my dad didn’t answer to my invitation and didn’t show up … I just think that I start to accept that my family won’t get larger than this and I have to do with this fact. Living alone isn’t easy, especially when you realize that you can’t or you don’t have the right to count on others with excess.
I wake up this morning with kind of strange feelings of sadness that I really don’t know where they come from.
I am again in the middle of nowhere, I have to take decisions, to do something with my life now and to do it quickly because days are running and wasting time has never been my hobby.
I have to set strategies and make sure they work, and this is the difficulty.
When I look at my wishes, they seem so sweet, so nice, so pure and so easy to achieve on any other land except that one. My priorities are few and my abilities are fewer. But still, judgment screws people’s lives and mine as well.
My mom has always reproached me the fact that I compare my life to other people’s ones.
I think that she was wrong, because this is the only way to measure my performance. It is when you evaluate what you reach comparing to what other has reached that you can decide if you are a winner or a loser.
She has always explained me that I need to dream according to what I got in my pockets as long as it is the only way to be sure of having the right dreams.
I am still fighting to get what Maslow calls first needs and it really busts the challenging, and true person I am.
Fulfillment for me now is based on three main desires that I sincerely hope to reach in the coming five years.
I might do it as I might not, but I am quite sure of something. If I succeed then it will be because my mind did it, with some motivation of my feelings and not because I have people standing behind me supporting me with superficial stuffs that most of girls at my age consider as “nerves of life” .
I thank all of you for reading

Sunday, June 20, 2010

A flor de piel

Este articulo nació con un sentimiento y con un sentimiento lo voy a acabar 
Las once...No sé por qué estoy escribiendo y tampoco sé sobre qué tengo que escribir.
Quería dormir, la verdad es que me siento muy débil con todas las tonterías que gasto mi energía haciéndolas cada día.
Estoy viviendo un tipo de paro intelectual y psicológico que afecta en gran cuantidad mi habilidad para estudiar y concentrarme en lo que debo hacer.
Me extraña muchísimo escribir en castellano, después de tanta ausencia
En realidad, tenía ganas de poner con mis notas algo que recordaré después de algunos meses teniendo la convicción total de que la mayoría de mis amigos, por problemas de idioma, no puedan entender.
Quería sentirme libre al escribir lo que me dicta la fragilidad enorme que conducta mis decisiones estos días.
Ya no puedo aguantar más, quiero que se acabe este año, lo antes posible..Para que pueda empezar algo nuevo sin tener este sentimiento de que todo a mí alrededor se desploma.
Me gustaría poder creer en mis locuras y mentiras de un cobarde durante algunos segundos para poder, por fin, ver el mundo colorado.
Deseos como estos, os aseguro que tengo en exceso pero estrategias para llegar a satisfacer lo que el ser humano necesita para sentirse bien, no la puedo encontrar.
Por eso, decidí dejar de hacer lo que quiero y concentrarme en lo que puedo obtener.
Yo creo muchísimo en el destino, tanto come creo en Dios y esta creencia es tan sincera que me lleva al otro lado del pensamiento..
Hace pocas semanas, empecé a desafiar la voluntad de lo que controla mi vida y la de todas las criaturas... Estoy desafiando el destino sin saber a dónde voy con todo esto.
El año 2010 me llevó muchísimas sorpresas inesperadas en el plan profesional y sentimental.
Cometí un montón de errores eligiendo las personas que, en principio, compartían mis elecciones pero que al final, se arreglaron para llevarme al fundo del mal estar..Hasta sentirme “a flor de piel”
De ellos, un pequeñito grupo sigue formando parte de mi mundo, y de la vida de muy pocos sigo formando parte, yo.

Os agradezco la lectura..

Saturday, June 12, 2010

I have a feeling (4)

I sat with a cup of coffee, after taking a long bath and a good pain killer to get rid of the headache I was having, in front of my computer to check my emails. I have the feeling that the world is changing and people around me are getting much more complicated each day while my life on the same far and deserted planet is getting simpler. I am happy with that. Yes, I am….

I have a question for you….

Have you ever wondered how would your life be if you no longer take part of it?
I am sure you did; and you wrote long pages talking about your parents and your relatives and how much you will miss them, about your cat and who will feed it when you pass away, about your first love and the honey moon you dreamed of, about God, about your secrets, the craziest ones, about your professors at university, especially the ones you don’t stand, about the challenges you took, and the ones you wish you could have few more hours to live to accomplish them, about your grandmother if you got one like mine who makes you sick when she starts frying the chips of the lunch at 8 am just to wake you up.

I am sure you’d have written much more than what I mentioned above because death is for you an entire end that deserves all those noble, sensitive, sincere, and regretted thoughts that you, absolutely, wished to share if you were alive.

It is such a confusing feeling to realize that death isn’t just this end that you identify when you stop breathing, and your heart stops beating, when you just leave forever and your whole body becomes totally and wholly useless.

For me, things are quite dead these days…I have the feeling that my life is going without me.
It is like if I was observing my days, my dreams, my friends, and my whole and entire world from an external position.

I don’t know if my life needs some order to be set in it. I don’t know if I should get back to some old addictions..Well, I am already back to the bad ones: drinking coffee, and tea to spend the biggest part of the night awake thinking and rethinking without getting to any optimum solution.

The presentation of my thesis is getting closer and it stresses me a lot. I don’t want to disappoint the hopes that my mom put on me. This pressure makes me sick… at a certain time we stop doing what we want and we start focusing on doing what other people would love to see us doing.

We stop taking decisions according to what we want and we concentrate on what the whole society would think once our action plan is launched. This is how most people are living nowadays and it is unfortunately, the only way that I can’t follow..I hate to be under any kind of control, especially when this one confuses my thoughts and devour my highest motivations.

I am not sure of having on my surrounding ones the best impression and impact ever seen but I do believe in one life style: “being myself, and put all factors on my side for what I badly want, defeat my doubts before trying to put the responsibility on fate.”

Till this late time came, all I can do is to enjoy being who I am, wishing that the human beings start to set to themselves further limits when their freedom of speech and actions are concerned.

Thank you for reading!

Monday, June 7, 2010

I have a feeling (3)

Feet on earth
Another lazy day covered by the shining sun of a Saturday morning started on this land that I love and hate at the same time.
I woke up so late that I didn’t even smell the coffee that I used to taste in my room in front of the window looking at the sea or may be just letting my thoughts melt in it, each morning before going to school.
I no longer have to do that. School is finished and so do many parts of my life.
In the middle of the darkness of the spirit, the soul, the mind, destiny and my hopes; I am trying to find a way.. A way to come back to myself and make of these sweetest dreams a reality.
I would like to make of peace and happiness two rules conducting people’s life. I want poverty to end. I wish that all kids could have parents and go to school.
I wish if my humble existence could bring something new, something flattering to this great world that I still don’t know more than 1% of it.
I hope that God forgives me and forgive all people, and I wish that I can be the one I have always dreamed of.
I have changed. Yes! I did..I still dream but I dream differently..I dream according to my abilities. This is not a lake of confidence or fears from challenges. It is just what I call:” going on, with feet on earth”
2010 will end soon. It is true that I am not that satisfied with what I have done in it. It was a challenging year on the emotional plan, and I, still, didn’t get rid of all the injuries I caused to myself with the wrong decisions I took.
I hardly believe that fate drove me to what I found myself in. I prefer to convince myself that I took part of the wrong dreams and I inlayed myself in lives that I was not supposed to be part of.
But anyhow..It happened and it did, for sure, for a reason that I will realize sooner or later….
I have spent Sunday’s night in a deep feeling of nostalgia with the memories of my best years. It was so affecting, so touching, so meaningful, so true…to look back at the past without regrets even if the present doesn’t seem to be that promising.
From my planet; I thank all of you for reading.

Saturday, May 29, 2010

An Algerian relationship

An Algerian relationship.
The idea of writing this article came to my mind when I went for shopping with my mother where I observed some couples walking in the street.
I have celebrated recently my twenty second birthday and I till now, I have never been in a date with any Algerian boy. However, my interests concerning the Algerian way of dating, having a girl friend, or just hooking up are quite high and thirsty.
I do believe that I have a weird way of loving and this difference makes it hard for me to be with someone here in Algeria. My only boy friend was a foreigner and the way of dating him was absolutely different from what I see in the Algerian streets.
I base my choices and decisions on personal convictions that very few Algerians would understand, and the ones who do, are good friends of mine.

I am sure that most of girls don’t share my humble opinion and I don’t blame them for that since I find it hard also to understand how can they date this way?
Algerian dates are based on money; food, and frustration, three miserable reasons that make me stay on the safe side, till I leave this country.
I was walking with my mother today and at a certain time we decided to stop for lunch. It was absolutely impossible to find a restaurant where most of people aren’t couples.
When you date someone, the only place he can take you to, is a fast food (if he is jobless) and a restaurant (if he has some more dinars in his pockets).
I am not against the idea of doing it when it is followed by other kinds of activities that can make you know better the guy/ the girl you are with… When all your dates have the same plan and the same logic, they get quite boring.. I started even to believe that dating for Algerians means feeding a hungry girl.

If it isn’t to restaurants, then to gardens that you are taken. Of course, the Algerian gardens have no relationship with the Victoria towers ones. Actually, its quality isn’t my main worry. I should think more about what the Algerian law calls: affective demonstration in public, which- open well your ears- concerns even taking your girl friend hand.
I bet, José, while reading this article will remember the day we nearly ended up in prison because he put his hand on my shoulder in public. I knew at that time why are all Algerians frustrated with sex.

So in order to avoid this quite embarrassing and terrifying situation with the police, couples prefer to hide and for this, they chose hostels which are established in various small and dirty streets of the capital.
Algeria, more than being a Muslim country, is a closed one because of its traditions and customs.

I met few people who had the opportunity to know what sexual education means. It just explains why most of my friends make me shut up when in a public debate I use the word “sex”.
The sexual frustration of people around me surprises me a lot. It is hard to date someone who doesn’t think of leading to a sexual practice, and that’s what those small hostels are made for.

I do admit that sex is part of any relationship because by definition: a boy friend is a friend who attracts you, and this last one is based on desire.
Most of my friends take big pleasure in calling me:”incompetent lover” because they find it hard to believe that I could date and stay a virgin kisser at the same time.
To rule the world, we really need to make work the strongest parts of the body and sex is just part of the human being weakness.

Money in Algeria brings love. You would be dated if you have a nice car, a credit card and if your swatch is a true one.
Control is an aspect of the Algerian date also. At a certain time of the relationship, you start wondering if what you have is a boy friend or a husband, something that drives me completely mad.
I do believe in the individuality of each human being and his total freedom to act the way he wants without having anyone on his back asking him to stop doing this, to avoid meeting that one, to change the way of clothing or to obey to what doesn’t suit the personal choices that make a human being feel happy in his element.

I still have one more year to spend here in Algeria, I am sure I will learn more and discover more astonishing things that I will share with all of you within my pure analyze but I still doubt that my heart can beat someday inside this high level of insanity, dissatisfaction and lack of trust and understanding where people judge you as they want to.

Thank you.

Thursday, May 27, 2010

I have a feeling (2)

After some days of hard work, excitement and over doses of energy, I wake up today completely dead. I am having a very lazy day..I feel sick and can’t concentrate with anything..
I realized that working during the night time doesn’t help to fix the deadline problem. Things might simply get worse because during the day, I felt so sleepy with this body totally emptied from its energy. I have to admit that 1am is not my best time to think intelligently.

Today was also my second day with the Algerian cakes classes. The group is getting larger, the cakes more sophisticated, and my abilities more efficient. Most of my mates are old ladies or married women and the subjects they talk about aren’t of a single interest for me. I just found a new way of being silent.

One of the ladies was talking about her life and her stepmother during the class then asked me if I was married. The only smart answer I could give her is that I believe in one God and I am not ready to have a second one.

I am having two main obsessions these days: finishing my project and getting a master opportunity.
The rest seems like an absolute bullshit. I have never spent such a long period in such a confusing mood. I strongly believe that it was due to some bad steps and wrong decisions that I don’t regret anyway but I simply would love to get rid of their consequences the soonest possible.
The stress of the final project presentation has already started taking part of each second of my day… I could, after breaking up and getting all my mental capacities back, to get to the top of the list in the last results of my university and this performance is a real incommodity.
I feel like if I am living in the middle of a jungle without any efficient arm to defend myself, and this showed up another aspect of my personality that I don’t appreciate that much.
I have always believed that being nice and loving would lead to peace all over the world but since I started hating some people, I noticed that I could get my rights back easily.
Well, it is the best proof that the books of psychology I spent long months reading them were a total fake. Most of the meanings that I attribute to things had to change because I was going on the wrong way.
And on this wrong way, I am followed by people taking part of it by interpreting badly what I say or what I do. It drives me sick because I am a person who doesn’t make others read between the lines. What I have in mind, I am enough brave to share it since life doesn’t represent this saint great, wonderful, irresistible, inspiring, attaching and only reason to exist.
A recent post I shared reminded me the brother I have who I met for less than 10 min.
I was sitting in front of him when his mom asked me to eat some fruits.. I thanked her for that and said that I wasn’t hungry because I ate in my uncle’s house just before coming.
My brother stood up and replied me: you are called flower so you should know how to take a flower from each place you go to.
My post was about boys and I used a metaphor to describe some of them who start seriously to make me fed up with their non sense requests..
In this note I wanted to get rid of the bees around me, and this egoist, selfish, dirty, and inhuman comment reminds me strongly my brother “Bilal”, and makes me smile 
After meeting who were supposed to be my real family, I felt kind of emotionally confused, weak and empty. This emptiness is unbelievable when you are surrounded by billion of people caring for you, but still I really appreciate it because it gives me enough reasons to concentrate on useful and beneficial stuffs.
I have the feeling that something new and completely unpredicted has to happen to me: just like travelling to a weird place, tasting a dirty food, or dressing like an idiot and walk in the streets of Algiers. I need to overcome my limits before the final project presentation and before my energy explode somewhere else.
From Algiers, in this rainy day.I thank all of you for reading.

Sunday, May 23, 2010

I have a feeling (1)

The week I spent in the country side was so full of emotions and fun that I am still thinking of till now.
I ate a lot… Well, I mean I tasted so many spicy dishes. I met people I didn’t see for long time.
I wore traditional dresses that I wouldn’t have imagined myself putting.
I lived a nice experience attending the parties there and I honestly felt much better just because I was far away from everything with no work, no people to tire my mind, no laptop to reply emails and no phone.
Their daily life over there is quite hard, full of bullshits that they spend their whole days talking about. I interacted very few times during their conversations. I am generally a silent person and I don’t like to talk that much. I guess they felt somehow uncomfortable because of that.
I had recently lots of surprises that emptied my body from its positive energy. My boy friend left definitely and this had a big effect on me. I feel a big emptiness that I am not able to fill with anything else.
I think, after analyzing the facts and circumstances that my real feeling is disappointment. I am not mad, not sad and not relieved. I am sticking with one word: “why”.
My boy friend wasn’t the biggest deal of my life. He was one of those thousands of people who come and go leaving their print or taking it with them once they change their convictions, something that I hardly understand and absolulty don’t follow.
I am living in a superficial world that has already lost its values. People are looking for the fame, for the material wealth, for the highest positions and their hypocrisy to reach those objectives.
I might seem a total idiot for those who don’t believe in the after death, but since we are all going to leave this world without taking anything from it with us, better to behave correctly and give the best and the sincerest impression that a human being is considered for.

No matter how much I trusted, I appreciated, I felt disappointed, I loved and hated, I am careless about the feeling I have at the end because I am quite convinced: it is temporary and its expiry date will come someday. May be not in today’s life but surely before I completely leave it.

Sunday, April 25, 2010

My life without me.....By Zahra.B

I am alive… I have repeated this sentence so many times during the last days, and you will probably know why, if you have followed my recent posts.
Now, after experiencing such a horrible thing, I realize what does having more days to live, mean.

I knew my limits, they were much restricted than the ones I set to myself; my rights, the lost ones. I knew the feeling of insecurity, the feeling of being alone to fight and I finally realized that at my 22 years old, I can’t start a war, I have to do with small battles till I get much stronger than this.

The idea of being my auto-defender was a hypothesis that I confirmed after this event.
Today, 21 days after the famous night that taught me the hard way to count on one and only one person: myself, I don’t feel ok.
Nor my family either my friends or lover gave a shit to whether my physical or my emotional pains.
This is not hard. It is just killing.

I am disgusted of people, of the Algerian system, of the associations of help that wait for you to die to do something, I am disgusted of those I loved and cared about who left me when I needed them.
I am disgusted of my incapacity to act, of my tears, of the awful feelings I have, of the nightmares filling what used to be my nice moments of sweet dreams.
And I am so sorry to see my life going without me….
I miss my smile, my energy, my hard working spirit, my shining days, my dreams, the ones I left and the ones that left me.
I miss being myself. I miss getting back to a normal life. I miss getting up in the morning with a positive thinking without remembering again that part of my human being existence that had gone forever.
I, honestly, miss so many other things that may be for you are so banal, so usual, so evident but which became for me needs that I am not able to satisfy.
It seems that Maslow has created a weird pyramid. Except breathing, there is no other need I will reach being a third world citizen.

Thursday, April 8, 2010

JUSTICE......By Zahra.B

What you are going to read is for sure the most surprising and astonishing story I have never write on my blog.
This story isn’t the fruit of my imagination. This story is true… It is the story that changed my whole vision to the world.
Here are the facts:

Monday 5th of April 2010. 9 pm.
In my room, I lanced Skype waiting for my OGX members to be online to discuss what they have been doing during the last three days in the tasks of exchange I gave to each one of them.
9:15pm. some of them are online so we decided to start… Fella and Manel were with me...
I started by giving some more explanations… at the moment I was doing that, I didn’t know that this night was going to be almost the last night of my existence.
Now, that I survived, this night was for me the end of 22 years of gentle and nice behavior toward people and the beginning of a new life for me, in which I will know how to make justice with my own hands.
9:30 pm. My uncle enters my room without requesting. I start already to get mad.
He asks me why I closed the door of my room. I give explanations, even though, I don’t have too.

He starts to play the role of “God number 2”, I get extremely mad. I stand up and tell him in a nice way that my own space isn’t his affair and I can do in it whatever I want.
With this last sentence, I don’t remember many things from what I said after that.
But I remember well those big hands punching my face with all the force they got. I tried to resist and to defend myself, but I was too weak for that.
I tried after that to scream “Help, help!!” but no one came to rescue me, and the hitting started to get savage and wild. I could hardly take my breath with all this body sitting on my face with the hands on my lips trying to make me stop shouting.
Grandparents tried to help but they just wasted their energy.
He pushed my grandfather who fell on the floor and couldn’t stand up. Grand mom was deeply hurt in both of her arms.

Then... He stood up from this comfortable sofa mainly made of my face and shoulders and started kicking the left part of my face with his feet – with the shoes on-
I don’t know with which miracle I could run till the door of the house to fall in the street, but he was just behind me and took me from my hair dragging me across the street.
I kept screaming for help but as the Arab say: “no life for the one you are calling for”.

People were looking at me and no one put a small finger to help.
When I reached the stairs of my house and saw the door going to be closed, with me lying on the floor, dragged from my hair. I swear, I didn’t remember anyone. I forgot about my whole life, I forgot even about God, the last thing that came to my mind was: “it was nice to have you as a part of this world, Zahra”.
Fortunately for me, I was wearing a small jacket, once he started taking me from it, I had enough intelligence to remove the jacket and run… but where too. I was already so weak to reach the next police office.
I looked left and right, I saw a door, it was opened...I just entered… it was the house of one of my neigbours.

She started to put ice on my face and giving me medicines to stop the pains I was and I still feeling in my head while the criminal was free out in the street asking them to let him kill me.
As he took the phone from me, I couldn’t call anyone, with some courage; I remembered my mom’s number who was 300 km far from me. I called her and asked her to come quickly because I am going to die.
I spent the night thinking of what I can probably do to save my life. At 6 am, I took my laptop with two books, and left like a thief. My destination: nowhere. I don’t know anyone in the capital expect some few people that don’t even hold my nationality.

I knocked my friend’s door at 7am. He was with a big help. After going to his office, he sent me with a taxi to the hospital but I unfortunately couldn’t do anything there when I reached it.
I sat in the entry of the emergency service and kept looking at people. I think I was enough destroyed to give up the medical care.
At this moment my mother reached the hospital from her trip. She saw me, came running, took me from my hand to start going through all the kind of analyses starting with the neurosurgery to stop the pain I was having in all my head and my face.

Once done with this; we went home and I couldn’t complain because the police in such cases don’t do that much. I tried to have information and it seems that justice doesn’t do anything until you lose your life.
What happened to me was a true injury. Today, my face is no longer the one you see on my profile on which I draw a cute smile.
With the changes of my face, my heart also changed and changed a lot. Today, I know that I am the only one to help myself.
I know that people never thank you for anything nice you do for them. This same person that destroyed me is the one that my mom saved from death at the same period last year.

For the anniversary of his accident, his only way to thank my mom who left her job to look after him was to send me to the same hospital with no one to look after me.
I know also that there is no justice in this country. Most of people are happy for what happened to me, because it is a good way to break my career at one month from the end of my studies.

I can congratulate all of them because I am so morally destroyed. My headache is getting worse especially when I cry.
But whatever…. What they don’t know is that this event is going to be the beginning of a war that I will absolutely win by making justice on my own in a close time.
I don’t care about my face anymore, Ibrahim is no longer part of my life and he is the only one my heart was beating for. I don’t care about what all people might think I have done. I already know that I am accused of immoral behavior for which I deserved to be hit this way but one thing is sure, my tears didn’t go down for free and “will laugh well, who will laugh at the end”.

From this bed that I will leave soon, I thank all of you for your calls and care.

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

My trip to Tunisia




6 pm, the station of busses « kharouba » a group of 15 dynamic and crazy people gathered there to take the road to Tunisia to live the first international experience.
We took the bus and reached Anaba early in the morning, we had a lot of fun all together.
Once there, the taxis were waiting for us to start the second part of the trip till Tunisia. I was most of the time home sick. I reached the capital totally dead.

Three aiesecers were there to take us to another city: el Hammamat where we were supposed to have the conference. Again the way was so long, we took a bus, a taxi and a train. I was so bored and tired.
As soon as we reached the hotel, we put our stuffs in the lobby and entered running to the conference.
Algeria is the first country on the list, so we were supposed to be the first ones to present our roll call.

The conference wasn’t bad. We worked a lot, met so many people, we had fun, partied. My favorite moment was the official dinner where all the boys were in formal suit and the girls in nice elegant dresses. We were all pretty and cute.
I tried to take the best from this conference, I got in touch with people I don’t know, had to deal with them, to learn from them. I challenged myself in some work groups, I represented my country with the best values, but I also represented myself and my own values.
I had nice moments with some people who I will miss, I learnt more about leadership, and how to give a feedback and a good speech.
This trip was again a successful one for me, I reached all my objectives in it. May be I didn’t take the best of it because I had worries that I am still sticking with them but I was proud of my behavior, just being myself.
To Tunisia I may go back again and for sure I will meet those nice friends I had there and share them again a wonderful experience.
Well, I won’t be able to write more, I am too tired but I promise to post another article soon.
Thank you to all of you for the emails and the messages sent during my absence.

Sunday, March 21, 2010

Allah Ghaleb


Two sunny days after a very cold week have changed much more than the temperature degree.
I walked in the streets of El Biar. I am still meeting the same faces daily, in the same places, nothing has changed..May be just the clothes they wear, or the looks we have..Now we know each others.

I feel I have changed with the weather. I am exhausted. Back home I sat with a Turkish song to think.
I sat to think without knowing really what I should think about.
I put the picture of my father; I let my tears come down with it for a couple of minutes. It seems that my weaknesses didn’t change.

At some levels of life, we don’t know really where we are going. We don’t know how to deal with our worries, even the smallest ones.
I know I have to take decisions, and to deal with their consequences no matter how they are.

I am losing the feeling of satisfaction that makes the human being move on small details.
My goals were not reached and it drives me mad.
I do express my needs, my ideas, my innovation, my plans but nothing makes sense to the few ones forming the social part of my world.

I want to stop, to give up, till I find a selfless planet to live on.
I would love to take all the Turkish Raki, listen to all Sensiz Olamam s’ songs in front of the sea to empty my mind, to realize that some things just have to end and no need to look for an excuse to continue wasting my time with.

I would love that someone inflect to my mind the real meaning of destiny which seems to be the stronger force that is taking my hopes away.
I am so sorry..So sorry to be obliged to put a full stop to things I truly believed in because I fought for in the wrong place, the wrong time, and with the wrong people.

Dreams, hopes, love, admire, money, career, life or existence, days or months, intelligence or stupidity. At this level, they are all equal..I know they aren’t, for you..But for me: yes, they are.

I am not used to feel that I am out of my field but this time, I realized that I wasn’t in my element. I felt like a lawer trying to make a surgery while some victims are looking for someone to defend them. It is not my mind or my heart which is having such a wired way of thinking.

Honestly, I don’t care that much where it is coming from, and till I find the logic explanation to these endless series of looses, I stop at the famous Algerian expression that dammed people love to say when they intentionally fail: “Allah ghalab”

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Money (1)

Money, money, money..
Money is like zero. Its importance depends on where you put it. It might be everything if it is in the right side and nothing if it is on the left one.
Money is what allows you to satisfy your first needs. Money is what you give to someone else to get something he has.

With money, you can get food, water. You can get a house whether by renting it and in this case the owner will gain from your money monthly or by buying it and here you can be the one who gains from other people’s money.

Money assures you treatment. It makes your future easier while your present is going on.
Money can offer you most of what you want. With money you can get clothes, cars, planes and boasts. You can get positions, friends, and partners. You can also get a wife or just sex.

Money satisfies most of Maslow s’ needs, when you belong to an irresponsible society.
With money people will love you more, they will try all to work with you, to become close to you and they will even have more intentions to date you or to marry you.
If you are smart then you can get all of this and save your money. You can even use money to oblige others to do what you want.

This money, you can work with it and gain more and more. This is money’s theory. Whether you lose it or you multiply it. It is never static.
So if you are a dammed one, there will be for sure smarter ones who will take your money to do less idiot things with it.

Money makes happiness. It builds roads on a broken way. It gives you hopes. It helps you to achieve your goals, to dream awake, to challenge yourself, to go with no fears.
So just stop telling that money doesn’t make any sense.
Money is what you all work for, and no one should blame you. You are right!

I am not sure of the position that money occupies in my life. I am not rich and I have never succeeded in getting all what money would have afforded me.
However, I am quite convinced that with a little bit more, I would have been able to get my own house, to build my own company where “work” is done the way it should be.

I would have been able to fly as much as I wanted to be with my love insread of calling him daily empty my mind from these terrible thoughts of being miles and centuries away.
I would have hel
ped the poor ones. Those ones who can’t get what to eat because they don’t have money.

I would have made justice amongst human beings. We would have fought less and loved more.

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

In the middle of nowhere.

During 21 years, and 10months of existence I hated so many things that represented at each step of my life a frontier to get to the happiness I have always looked for.

I hated my cat Minou who used to sit on my grandmother’s lap. I hated milk in the morning before going to school. I hated to dress according to my mom’s tastes.
I hated exams, I hated my teacher of Arabic, I hated physics, I hated to wake up early
I hated the traffic jump, the Algerian transportation, the Arab society in which the misery poor people live without getting any care.
I hated my grandmother’s soup, and all her oily food.
I hated to be judged, to be taken for what I am not. I hated to be lied on, to be cheated on because it was for me the biggest proof of my stupidity.
And what I hated more is to pay for mistakes I don’t commit.
At this time of the year, I am not supposed to be sticking with those limits and steps.
I have accumulated series of loses and disappointment this year, that probably I wouldn’t have met in a century of life if I was somewhere else.
I don’t know how I should do to finish my project, now that my mate is not able to work.
Am I going to finish my part, to work on his tasks, or to leave everything?
I don’t have any idea of what is going to happen to me after graduating this year.
I am counting the months instead of the weeks, to see according to this low probability when I will be with my love.

In my class today, the teacher said that a human being always breaks himself. I was going to agree with her on that when I thought about my choices. The choices I thought I was absolutely right when I took them. Then I remembered this story of destiny and fate and thought of the environment of each one and had a change of mind.

All what I have done recently, I badly wanted to do it, I worked hard, I believed in every single action I was involving myself in. I dreamt, I hoped, I wanted, I scarified, I proved that I was ready to give all what I got to reach my aims.

But what made me fail wasn’t my lack of work or believes. It was simply the imaginary barriers that people’s put to make the others fail when they know they aren’t made to succeed.

I sincerely, don’t know if I am really selfless..I doubt I am, and I doubt someone on this earth exits without his selfishness. Most of the time, when we think we are doing our best to make our loved ones happy, we realize that our behavior is the best way we use to protect our own benefits.

I have learnt so much about trust this year, and I knew that the first and most important person to trust is the one inside us, the rest of people will come after.

I am not sure of being enough concentrated to tell you more about what is going through my mind so let me end up here and see you soon.

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Diagnostic

9pm on this last day of my next to last series of exams.
I feel like talking but I don’t know what to say. I am so neutral. I am not neutral with my feelings but with my choices.
I started to realize that I have to worry less about what will happen because it will simply happen no matter how hard I try to avoid it.
The last two months were emotionally and physically exhausting for me.
The worries at school, my final project, the diploma, my family, my dad, my past, my present, my lover, the miles between us, my mom, my master, my friends, my hopes, my dreams, my plans, my future and so many other meaningless things made me reach this drop that overflew the vase.
However, I am the most thankful to all the bad steps I went through, to all the deceptions that I faced and to all the ones I will absolutely face in a couple of months, or years.
I know I am far away from the real meaning of maturity but I strongly believe that this year trained me and gave me so many lessons that the hard mind I have is still defeating.

It will never be easy to get over a deception especially when you know you could avoid it.
Today, I am not looking for any miraculous thing to happen to me. I am not looking for friendship, because having mates is much better.
I am not looking for high positions; I feel better being able to see what the lower one is suffering from.
I am living peacefully. I don’t have any idea about tomorrow’s agenda. I am not sure about the relationship statue I have, and I really don’t know the taste of this tea I am drinking daily.
But anyhow, life is like a mathematic exam, the most important isn’t to try to answer the entire question but to get to solve the most important part.
From Algiers, under heavy rains I carry on my work and wish to see you soon

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

This life of mine

I don’t know
I don’t know and I really don’t care about knowing because…
When I came to the world, the sky was blue, the sun was brightening and love was the most beautiful feeling on earth.
There for, I won’t try to understand what mathematic theories can’t handle and can’t control.
I won’t try to understand why do people fight, hate, hurt, ignore, or forget.
I would rather try to care, love, help, and remember the others because deep inside I would love that the world remember me.
And for sure I wouldn’t like that my ugly hair cut, my short blue skirt, my formal blouse or my red nail polish will be the elements that people remember when my name is pronounced.
For those reasons and for some more, I decided to be the one I am.
I decided to be a person who thinks with the heart and loves with the mind.
I decided to live to fight and not to fight to live, that’s why my life is a daily challenge.
One of my favorite challenges is to smile whatever happens, even if I have the tears coming on my face.
Tears are what taught me that we can’t get everything we want because sometimes what we want isn’t exactly what we need.
I don’t need to agree always with people. The word “no” exists in all languages and no law forbids its use.
Laws were created to arrange the world but they just made it worse, that’s why the only ones I follow are the ones I analyzed Longley and deeply.
I am not sure of living till tomorrow but I am quit convinced that after finishing this article I won’t spend long hours thinking about something bad I’ve done or a pain I have caused because I know I didn’t and if I did then I apologized before closing my eyes forever.
My aim in life isn’t to change my whole society but I strongly believe that I can make a small part of it better and I am sure I can!!

Friday, February 19, 2010

Appologies

A windy day, a long and surprising one.
It is 6PM and I feel like if I have lived a century in 24hours.
Nothing is the same. It seems like if my whole life changed in a couple of days, and I recognize myself only in photos.
I am lost, definitely, I am.

I, physically, emotionally, and psychologically don’t feel good.
This is the first time, I felt like being seriously alone. I don’t want anyone to talk to me and I don’t want to fill my head with bullshits,

I hate 2010 as much as I loved 2009 which was the most beautiful year in my whole shitty existence.
2009 was a total success for me with my studies at college. I used to have busy evenings with the great atmosphere of the Spanish classes. The cooking courses of the weekend were amazing.

The concerts I attended with friends, the trips I had, the new people I met and loved and the causes I strongly defended were a source of happiness for me. Yeah! They were…
2010, by the end of its second month took everything.

We have just started studying at university. My final project isn’t going well. I am no longer taking the cooking courses since the teacher left. I cleaned my list of friends to realize I had an empty one and I finished falling in love with someone who, the geographical, cultural and financial conditions take him away from me.

I am tired. I am exhausted. This feeling is just so terrible. It is awful to know that the only solution that is left is to start all over again, all over again alone..
Today, I hate the 99,99 per 100 of what is around me. I just started to understand what does the expiry date mean?

I understand the world, in the midst of disasters. I hate my house, my room, my neighborhood, my school, my teachers, the boss of my university, the traffic jump, the busses, the inexistent metro, the Algerian airlines, the football play, the horrible weather, the morning call of my alarm clock to start another boring and disappointing day, the Algerian administrations, the empty count I have, the miles that separate me today from my loved one, and every single thing that takes daily, my smile from my lips.

I understand that not everything I believed in was true. That so many words are called empty words.
Money makes happiness, but even the happiness comes to an end.

All what a human being promises is an absolute fake and you are probably a dammed one if you believe in what your logical spirit can’t see.
I am not sure of feeling better during the coming days. I am not sure of finding the right balance to make my heart; my mind and my soul forgive me for all what I inflected to them this year with this strong weapon called over confidence.
And I am sorry.. I am sorry for discovering what the world really is.

Saturday, February 13, 2010

Upon pillars of sands...


I have spent long time thinking about the right words to start this article with, and honestly I needed to collect all the energy of my fingers to put on this sheet of e-paper some of the words I am having in my mind, or may be in heart.

2010 is tiring me. It is making of me a piece of nothing on this earth. In clear words, I am trying to be happy with all the strength I got, but it isn’t working.
This is what I call: to lose something you can’t replace: “faith in your smart attitude”.

I lost my smile and my joy. I am unable to fix myself and I will take no pleasure if someone tries –pretending- to help, to fix me.

I am losing, this is sure. There for, I won’t hide it behind a cheerful smile that stupid and dam people use to bring themselves up.

For most of my plans, it was the end and for the rest it is the beginning of an expected end that I am waiting for in my own way.

I am exhausted and I am losing all the pleasures of life. I don’t study, I don’t go to the cooking courses, I don’t go out with people, an what is worse, I am not playing sport.

I am not understanding the world.. No I am not.. but I do understand myself.
And I am fed up.. Fed up with everything.. I am fed up..with a dumb smile.
I am not sure whether discovering the truth is really what people look for when they investigate their choices, but I am quite convinced they do try to hide their deceptions with some annoying words that I always hear from my friends but which sincerely don’t change the mood I am in.

Accepting oneself with the success and the failure that he might have is the best thing to do. By the way, this what I do.
I realized that there was no need to lie on myself. What is done is done and so is what is lost. But the most important is to have this ability to start all over again.
Starting all over again….it seems so easy but it is terrible to change all what you have done and planned.

To change your major, your hobbies, your life style, your addictions, your friends who weren’t really friends, the chocolate you put on your cup of milk or the kind of tea you drink.

The languages you want to learn, the country you want to live in. the person you want to be with when you aren’t feeling good. The agenda you have been sticking on your wall for long months waiting for the day to make it come true. The color you wear. The hair style you have. The music you listen to. The things you believe in and may be much more…

This how my life looks like those days.. I know it isn’t the greatest one that the good thinker I am would have loved to have but anyhow.. sometimes the world stands upon pillars of sands that you can whether consolidate or build again.

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

I am trying..

I am trying.
I am trying to breath, to sleep, to smile, and eat.

I am trying to get back to my daily habits. Habits that I don’t know how I lost.

I am trying to fix myself because I know it is not going to fix me, and no one else will do.

I am trying to believe in something new after discovering that all my life has been a lie.

I am trying to find myself after I realized everything is lost.

I am trying to talk even when words don’t have any intelligent meaning.

I am trying to cheer up when I look into the mirror, may be this one looking back at me will do the same.

I am trying to be what I am supposed to be.

I am trying to forget what I had to keep away from my feelings since the beginning.

I am trying to forgive what I allowed others to cause me.

I am trying to handle with what I am not supposed to face.

I am trying to restart when there is no a beginning.

I am trying to dream when there are no dreams left.

I am trying and I hope to succeed, even if success isn’t what I need.

I am trying because trying keeps people’s heart beating and because trying is the only way to live.