Tuesday, March 30, 2010

My trip to Tunisia

6 pm, the station of busses « kharouba » a group of 15 dynamic and crazy people gathered there to take the road to Tunisia to live the first international experience.
We took the bus and reached Anaba early in the morning, we had a lot of fun all together.
Once there, the taxis were waiting for us to start the second part of the trip till Tunisia. I was most of the time home sick. I reached the capital totally dead.

Three aiesecers were there to take us to another city: el Hammamat where we were supposed to have the conference. Again the way was so long, we took a bus, a taxi and a train. I was so bored and tired.
As soon as we reached the hotel, we put our stuffs in the lobby and entered running to the conference.
Algeria is the first country on the list, so we were supposed to be the first ones to present our roll call.

The conference wasn’t bad. We worked a lot, met so many people, we had fun, partied. My favorite moment was the official dinner where all the boys were in formal suit and the girls in nice elegant dresses. We were all pretty and cute.
I tried to take the best from this conference, I got in touch with people I don’t know, had to deal with them, to learn from them. I challenged myself in some work groups, I represented my country with the best values, but I also represented myself and my own values.
I had nice moments with some people who I will miss, I learnt more about leadership, and how to give a feedback and a good speech.
This trip was again a successful one for me, I reached all my objectives in it. May be I didn’t take the best of it because I had worries that I am still sticking with them but I was proud of my behavior, just being myself.
To Tunisia I may go back again and for sure I will meet those nice friends I had there and share them again a wonderful experience.
Well, I won’t be able to write more, I am too tired but I promise to post another article soon.
Thank you to all of you for the emails and the messages sent during my absence.

Sunday, March 21, 2010

Allah Ghaleb

Two sunny days after a very cold week have changed much more than the temperature degree.
I walked in the streets of El Biar. I am still meeting the same faces daily, in the same places, nothing has changed..May be just the clothes they wear, or the looks we have..Now we know each others.

I feel I have changed with the weather. I am exhausted. Back home I sat with a Turkish song to think.
I sat to think without knowing really what I should think about.
I put the picture of my father; I let my tears come down with it for a couple of minutes. It seems that my weaknesses didn’t change.

At some levels of life, we don’t know really where we are going. We don’t know how to deal with our worries, even the smallest ones.
I know I have to take decisions, and to deal with their consequences no matter how they are.

I am losing the feeling of satisfaction that makes the human being move on small details.
My goals were not reached and it drives me mad.
I do express my needs, my ideas, my innovation, my plans but nothing makes sense to the few ones forming the social part of my world.

I want to stop, to give up, till I find a selfless planet to live on.
I would love to take all the Turkish Raki, listen to all Sensiz Olamam s’ songs in front of the sea to empty my mind, to realize that some things just have to end and no need to look for an excuse to continue wasting my time with.

I would love that someone inflect to my mind the real meaning of destiny which seems to be the stronger force that is taking my hopes away.
I am so sorry..So sorry to be obliged to put a full stop to things I truly believed in because I fought for in the wrong place, the wrong time, and with the wrong people.

Dreams, hopes, love, admire, money, career, life or existence, days or months, intelligence or stupidity. At this level, they are all equal..I know they aren’t, for you..But for me: yes, they are.

I am not used to feel that I am out of my field but this time, I realized that I wasn’t in my element. I felt like a lawer trying to make a surgery while some victims are looking for someone to defend them. It is not my mind or my heart which is having such a wired way of thinking.

Honestly, I don’t care that much where it is coming from, and till I find the logic explanation to these endless series of looses, I stop at the famous Algerian expression that dammed people love to say when they intentionally fail: “Allah ghalab”

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Money (1)

Money, money, money..
Money is like zero. Its importance depends on where you put it. It might be everything if it is in the right side and nothing if it is on the left one.
Money is what allows you to satisfy your first needs. Money is what you give to someone else to get something he has.

With money, you can get food, water. You can get a house whether by renting it and in this case the owner will gain from your money monthly or by buying it and here you can be the one who gains from other people’s money.

Money assures you treatment. It makes your future easier while your present is going on.
Money can offer you most of what you want. With money you can get clothes, cars, planes and boasts. You can get positions, friends, and partners. You can also get a wife or just sex.

Money satisfies most of Maslow s’ needs, when you belong to an irresponsible society.
With money people will love you more, they will try all to work with you, to become close to you and they will even have more intentions to date you or to marry you.
If you are smart then you can get all of this and save your money. You can even use money to oblige others to do what you want.

This money, you can work with it and gain more and more. This is money’s theory. Whether you lose it or you multiply it. It is never static.
So if you are a dammed one, there will be for sure smarter ones who will take your money to do less idiot things with it.

Money makes happiness. It builds roads on a broken way. It gives you hopes. It helps you to achieve your goals, to dream awake, to challenge yourself, to go with no fears.
So just stop telling that money doesn’t make any sense.
Money is what you all work for, and no one should blame you. You are right!

I am not sure of the position that money occupies in my life. I am not rich and I have never succeeded in getting all what money would have afforded me.
However, I am quite convinced that with a little bit more, I would have been able to get my own house, to build my own company where “work” is done the way it should be.

I would have been able to fly as much as I wanted to be with my love insread of calling him daily empty my mind from these terrible thoughts of being miles and centuries away.
I would have hel
ped the poor ones. Those ones who can’t get what to eat because they don’t have money.

I would have made justice amongst human beings. We would have fought less and loved more.

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

In the middle of nowhere.

During 21 years, and 10months of existence I hated so many things that represented at each step of my life a frontier to get to the happiness I have always looked for.

I hated my cat Minou who used to sit on my grandmother’s lap. I hated milk in the morning before going to school. I hated to dress according to my mom’s tastes.
I hated exams, I hated my teacher of Arabic, I hated physics, I hated to wake up early
I hated the traffic jump, the Algerian transportation, the Arab society in which the misery poor people live without getting any care.
I hated my grandmother’s soup, and all her oily food.
I hated to be judged, to be taken for what I am not. I hated to be lied on, to be cheated on because it was for me the biggest proof of my stupidity.
And what I hated more is to pay for mistakes I don’t commit.
At this time of the year, I am not supposed to be sticking with those limits and steps.
I have accumulated series of loses and disappointment this year, that probably I wouldn’t have met in a century of life if I was somewhere else.
I don’t know how I should do to finish my project, now that my mate is not able to work.
Am I going to finish my part, to work on his tasks, or to leave everything?
I don’t have any idea of what is going to happen to me after graduating this year.
I am counting the months instead of the weeks, to see according to this low probability when I will be with my love.

In my class today, the teacher said that a human being always breaks himself. I was going to agree with her on that when I thought about my choices. The choices I thought I was absolutely right when I took them. Then I remembered this story of destiny and fate and thought of the environment of each one and had a change of mind.

All what I have done recently, I badly wanted to do it, I worked hard, I believed in every single action I was involving myself in. I dreamt, I hoped, I wanted, I scarified, I proved that I was ready to give all what I got to reach my aims.

But what made me fail wasn’t my lack of work or believes. It was simply the imaginary barriers that people’s put to make the others fail when they know they aren’t made to succeed.

I sincerely, don’t know if I am really selfless..I doubt I am, and I doubt someone on this earth exits without his selfishness. Most of the time, when we think we are doing our best to make our loved ones happy, we realize that our behavior is the best way we use to protect our own benefits.

I have learnt so much about trust this year, and I knew that the first and most important person to trust is the one inside us, the rest of people will come after.

I am not sure of being enough concentrated to tell you more about what is going through my mind so let me end up here and see you soon.

Tuesday, March 9, 2010


9pm on this last day of my next to last series of exams.
I feel like talking but I don’t know what to say. I am so neutral. I am not neutral with my feelings but with my choices.
I started to realize that I have to worry less about what will happen because it will simply happen no matter how hard I try to avoid it.
The last two months were emotionally and physically exhausting for me.
The worries at school, my final project, the diploma, my family, my dad, my past, my present, my lover, the miles between us, my mom, my master, my friends, my hopes, my dreams, my plans, my future and so many other meaningless things made me reach this drop that overflew the vase.
However, I am the most thankful to all the bad steps I went through, to all the deceptions that I faced and to all the ones I will absolutely face in a couple of months, or years.
I know I am far away from the real meaning of maturity but I strongly believe that this year trained me and gave me so many lessons that the hard mind I have is still defeating.

It will never be easy to get over a deception especially when you know you could avoid it.
Today, I am not looking for any miraculous thing to happen to me. I am not looking for friendship, because having mates is much better.
I am not looking for high positions; I feel better being able to see what the lower one is suffering from.
I am living peacefully. I don’t have any idea about tomorrow’s agenda. I am not sure about the relationship statue I have, and I really don’t know the taste of this tea I am drinking daily.
But anyhow, life is like a mathematic exam, the most important isn’t to try to answer the entire question but to get to solve the most important part.
From Algiers, under heavy rains I carry on my work and wish to see you soon

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

This life of mine

I don’t know
I don’t know and I really don’t care about knowing because…
When I came to the world, the sky was blue, the sun was brightening and love was the most beautiful feeling on earth.
There for, I won’t try to understand what mathematic theories can’t handle and can’t control.
I won’t try to understand why do people fight, hate, hurt, ignore, or forget.
I would rather try to care, love, help, and remember the others because deep inside I would love that the world remember me.
And for sure I wouldn’t like that my ugly hair cut, my short blue skirt, my formal blouse or my red nail polish will be the elements that people remember when my name is pronounced.
For those reasons and for some more, I decided to be the one I am.
I decided to be a person who thinks with the heart and loves with the mind.
I decided to live to fight and not to fight to live, that’s why my life is a daily challenge.
One of my favorite challenges is to smile whatever happens, even if I have the tears coming on my face.
Tears are what taught me that we can’t get everything we want because sometimes what we want isn’t exactly what we need.
I don’t need to agree always with people. The word “no” exists in all languages and no law forbids its use.
Laws were created to arrange the world but they just made it worse, that’s why the only ones I follow are the ones I analyzed Longley and deeply.
I am not sure of living till tomorrow but I am quit convinced that after finishing this article I won’t spend long hours thinking about something bad I’ve done or a pain I have caused because I know I didn’t and if I did then I apologized before closing my eyes forever.
My aim in life isn’t to change my whole society but I strongly believe that I can make a small part of it better and I am sure I can!!