Wednesday, February 3, 2016

Will it hurt forever?

My mom and I are so different, in almost everything, and every day and situation we pass by makes me realize how true our difference is.

My mom has never agreed on many of my choices: from the simplest to the most crucial ones: she hates how I dress (thinking I don't give much value to myself), what I do as job, how I spend money, who I used to date and many other things that I won't bother you with.

 So next weekend, my mom is attending weedings of some relatives and as usual, she insists that I go with her, which is something I am going to do despite the pressure it represents to me. Basically, in such gatherings, people ask you the same questions again and again: what are you doing, why you gained weight, why you cut your hair, and when are you getting married.

 When we had coffee break in office, I was talking to my boss and told her about it and she gave me a very clever idea. She said: when they ask you, just say I am waiting for the prince to come on his horse. Made me laugh whole day.

 I hate this question a lot, and it is not for the same reasons other girls hate it (because they are still single) but because it takes me back to memories I don't want to remember. Memories that say why I am hiding from everybody.

 In one of the articles I read before going to bed, I discovered that my syndrom is not new to humanity (thanks God!), I wonder if there is another article available to say how to fix it. Well, in two words I became unavaible emotionnally which is something I realize but I can do nothing about it.

I lose interest in men quickly (this is in case I get any interest at the start) and I can hardly bare people when I feel that a point of view is going to be put on the table by force. I am not scared of love, I wish I was but it seems there is nothing I am able to give to be scared of it.

When you come from a culture that condams love and relationships, you can not expect people to have compassion for your pain, and one of the things I most hate in this world is when someone tells me: oh come on! it is nothing, you will be okey, people are dying of hunger else where and you make a big deal of a lost love story.

Yes, it makes me so angry, that we decide on what is painful and what is not, simply, because if it was not painful, I wouldn't have spent all these years in the darkness of a memory, and yet it is not over.

I don't mind my difference from people arround me, I don't mind my difference from my mom. I think change starts always somehere with one opinion and one person and I am so blessed to wake up everyday, find the other side of my bed empty. I breath so deep and thank God that I am not making anyone's life misearable by marrying him just to get married.
Yes, I am relieved. Noone deserves to suffer and once you taste it, my rule is: to never inflect it to others, and to never lower your expectations and accept less than what you deserve.
What do we deserve: is to be "truly" happy

Ps: My boss sarcastic advise is really good, so I will use it during the weeing party and tell you how it went, later :)

Thank you for reading 

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