Saturday, June 12, 2010

I have a feeling (4)

I sat with a cup of coffee, after taking a long bath and a good pain killer to get rid of the headache I was having, in front of my computer to check my emails. I have the feeling that the world is changing and people around me are getting much more complicated each day while my life on the same far and deserted planet is getting simpler. I am happy with that. Yes, I am….

I have a question for you….

Have you ever wondered how would your life be if you no longer take part of it?
I am sure you did; and you wrote long pages talking about your parents and your relatives and how much you will miss them, about your cat and who will feed it when you pass away, about your first love and the honey moon you dreamed of, about God, about your secrets, the craziest ones, about your professors at university, especially the ones you don’t stand, about the challenges you took, and the ones you wish you could have few more hours to live to accomplish them, about your grandmother if you got one like mine who makes you sick when she starts frying the chips of the lunch at 8 am just to wake you up.

I am sure you’d have written much more than what I mentioned above because death is for you an entire end that deserves all those noble, sensitive, sincere, and regretted thoughts that you, absolutely, wished to share if you were alive.

It is such a confusing feeling to realize that death isn’t just this end that you identify when you stop breathing, and your heart stops beating, when you just leave forever and your whole body becomes totally and wholly useless.

For me, things are quite dead these days…I have the feeling that my life is going without me.
It is like if I was observing my days, my dreams, my friends, and my whole and entire world from an external position.

I don’t know if my life needs some order to be set in it. I don’t know if I should get back to some old addictions..Well, I am already back to the bad ones: drinking coffee, and tea to spend the biggest part of the night awake thinking and rethinking without getting to any optimum solution.

The presentation of my thesis is getting closer and it stresses me a lot. I don’t want to disappoint the hopes that my mom put on me. This pressure makes me sick… at a certain time we stop doing what we want and we start focusing on doing what other people would love to see us doing.

We stop taking decisions according to what we want and we concentrate on what the whole society would think once our action plan is launched. This is how most people are living nowadays and it is unfortunately, the only way that I can’t follow..I hate to be under any kind of control, especially when this one confuses my thoughts and devour my highest motivations.

I am not sure of having on my surrounding ones the best impression and impact ever seen but I do believe in one life style: “being myself, and put all factors on my side for what I badly want, defeat my doubts before trying to put the responsibility on fate.”

Till this late time came, all I can do is to enjoy being who I am, wishing that the human beings start to set to themselves further limits when their freedom of speech and actions are concerned.

Thank you for reading!

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