The realities of my moral pain (2)

My mother
The 79th day of my moral pain
I have spent long time telling to everyone that i belong to the cathegory of people who do not beleieve in true love. I tried my hard to prove it and Iwas quite sure of what I was saying.
So many people tried to convince me telling me about their love stories, but I am pretty sure this isn’t always true.
Today in my heart, I hold two people, just two. The first one is my mom. The only one that I sincerely hope God won’t take from me.
My mom and I started living together when I entered the high school. After my parents divorced, she stayed alone in another city and used to come to visit me from time to time.
It was so hard for me to see my mom leaving when her vacation ends. I think that this was one of the biggest things that weakened my heart and my personality.
I know today that my mom’s happiness stops at my success in life and I know also that my life is completely fucked up.
Since few days my moral state really reached a bad situation. I am not even caring or excepting people to do anything for me because I feel that I am finished.
I have lost all desires to do everything and honestly no one and nothing matters me except my mom and the fears of making her disappointed with this state I am in.
I wish if I could have brothers and sisters so that my mom can feel happier with.
My mistakes make me feel guilty towards her because I know she scarified a lot for me and today I am not able to give her back anything,
I am not able to work, to offer her a house, to take her for trips, to make her smile or simply invite her for a tea.
I sincerely hope that my mom will forgive me for who I am today because I am not proud of it.
And I wish that God will give me just a small power to do something with myself to draw a smile on the sun that brightens my life: my mom.