Friday, September 24, 2010

The realities of my moral pain (1)

My grand mother
On my way to find the true reasons of my moral pain that is taking the shit out of me, and in continuation of my articles “this life of mine”, I judged necessary for myself and the few ones who care for me to talk about what plays a huge role in hurting my smile daily.
I remember the first article i published about my grandmother few months ago, and I remember also that I adopted a funny style in writing it for my Spanish classes.
From that time till now, many things changed in my grand mom’s attitude but unfortunately not to the best.
In the Algerian culture; there is a proverb that I absolutely don’t believe in, which says: more precious than the son, is the son of the son.
It means that the grandson is supposed to be loved by his grandparents much more than his dad or mom.
To some extends, this is true! My grandparents do love their grandsons as much as they hate me, and I might seem mad if I tell you that it doesn’t surprise me because I am a real individual who doesn’t fake a smile to get benefit and this is the real difference between me and the others.
Even though my situation seems to some of my friends a simple one, for me, it doesn’t.
I just spent three days on this article and I am still not done with it. Whenever I remember something to post, I feel terribly bad that I stop directly writing.
Many words would join each other to describe her behavior: jalousy, madness, love of control, lack of interest from her sons and daughters.
I don’t know which one is exactly the right feeling that she is using against me but I am quite convinced that what she does isn’t for my benefit.
I realized recently that I am losing the smallest rights that you all live with and don’t even think of because they are too obvious.
I can’t take showers whenever I want, she thinks I am exaggerating with water and I have to pay the bills.
I never use the phone but I have to pay their communications just because I need an active landline to maintain my connection working.
When I decide to cook, I have no right to use the vegetables at home. I need to go to get myself what I need and above all, no one eats except me and my mom.
She insults me because I used to be a university student. Studies are for men only!

When we are eating all together and she doesn’t like something in her plate, she takes it and throw it into mine..This makes me sick, and what makes me feel worse is to remember that she was the one behind the incident that happened to me last march; an incident that changed my whole life and made of me a real bad person following my own judgment.
Remembering these events affect my mind a lot. I am sincerely feeling terribly bad day by day and being surrounded by people like her doesn’t help me to fix myself.
The 10th week of my moral pain, and I am sure that this free fall will last for quite long time. I am disgusted of the whole of the world and sincerely nothing and no one can draw a smile on lips for the present moment.
I hope that God, the biggest and the only one present for all his creatures will be beside me and won’t leave me alone.

1 comment:

Oldstone said...

Le pourquoi et le comment des choses n'est qu'une écume que l'on a tendance à croire solide. Vous avez besoin d'impressionner vos sens.