Sunday, January 24, 2010

I am..........

At this period of the year, most of my school mates are in front of their laptops typing some chapters for the final project. It is what I am supposed to be doing too. But curiously, my feelings needed to draw some lines on a sheet of paper, not to empty my heart but to remove this heavy pressure on my head.

Since I came back from Istanbul I am not feeling good. And I honestly, don’t find the reason of this sadness that makes my daily life a bit hard, lazy and full of disconnection from what I used to do.

I gave up some courses; my studies aren’t going well because of some intern problems.
I am realizing that most of the time, from happiness we can create bigger elements of sadness.

After spending a great week in Istanbul, I came back crying, missing the city of my dreams.
After starting to date this crazy funny and sweet guy thinking that I am not going to get attached, I found myself crying his absence whenever he flies for work.
Well, in clear words. I always arrange the situations and the hazard to involve myself into complicated facts and confusing feelings.
This is me! What can I do?

I don’t know what tomorrow will hold, and I am not going to plan anything for it.
I know it is hard to believe it, but it is been like a month since I last wrote something on my agenda.

I feel so tired, so exhausted to think, to hope, to challenge myself, to dream, and to make those dreams come true, to solve problems, to be active, to help, to be helped, to laugh, to smile, to forget, to be forgotten, to forgive, and to be forgiven.

Today, I simply find it hard. I find it hard to be me.
I find it hard to move on, to stand up, to dream, to be dreamed of, to start from zero what I thought I would have accomplished by the end of the year.
I am so tired of being obliged to smile, to handle with people I don’t like pretending I am feeling indifferent.

I am tired of respecting those who don’t respect anyone.
I am tired of being obliged to remind that I am an individual and a free thinker.
I am tired of listening to people’s opinion about my confident choices.
I am tired of being wise, of having a mind, of selecting my friends to realize I don’t have at all.

I am tired of jealousy, lies, dishonesty, and fake.
And.. I am afraid. I am afraid of weakness because it makes me lose my strength, of self confidence because it may lead me to disappointment, of love because it may not be cured a second time.

I am afraid of facing myself those days but I know I need to
Because I promised the world to give my best before I find myself six feet in the ground, because so many people are expecting so much from me and I don’t want to disappoint, because there is someone who gave to my eyes their sparks back and I don’t want him to think I am a looser

And because I am sure I was born for a reason.


jennifer said...

this post really made me sad... i just happend upon your blog and was happy to see another algerian (although i'm only algerian by living here, not by family or birth) blogging. i wish i could say that the happiness stayed, but after reading on, i realized how lost many muslims are these days. as someone who converted to islam about ten years back i can say that all of these thingsyou are writing about on your blog can easily be prevented. it's not that you are messed up, or have your fathers shitty personality as you said, it's just that you have forgotten what you were blessed with so you don't hold on to it. islam is of course what i'm speaking of my lovely sister! hugs and kisses and you are in my prayers! i hope you accept what i written to you with love and sincere advise.

zahra said...

Hi there,
thank you for your comment
I do accept all comments, so no worries.
I am happy to have someone reading what I post.
Thank you for the advises.