Saturday, February 13, 2010
Upon pillars of sands...
I have spent long time thinking about the right words to start this article with, and honestly I needed to collect all the energy of my fingers to put on this sheet of e-paper some of the words I am having in my mind, or may be in heart.
2010 is tiring me. It is making of me a piece of nothing on this earth. In clear words, I am trying to be happy with all the strength I got, but it isn’t working.
This is what I call: to lose something you can’t replace: “faith in your smart attitude”.
I lost my smile and my joy. I am unable to fix myself and I will take no pleasure if someone tries –pretending- to help, to fix me.
I am losing, this is sure. There for, I won’t hide it behind a cheerful smile that stupid and dam people use to bring themselves up.
For most of my plans, it was the end and for the rest it is the beginning of an expected end that I am waiting for in my own way.
I am exhausted and I am losing all the pleasures of life. I don’t study, I don’t go to the cooking courses, I don’t go out with people, an what is worse, I am not playing sport.
I am not understanding the world.. No I am not.. but I do understand myself.
And I am fed up.. Fed up with everything.. I am fed up..with a dumb smile.
I am not sure whether discovering the truth is really what people look for when they investigate their choices, but I am quite convinced they do try to hide their deceptions with some annoying words that I always hear from my friends but which sincerely don’t change the mood I am in.
Accepting oneself with the success and the failure that he might have is the best thing to do. By the way, this what I do.
I realized that there was no need to lie on myself. What is done is done and so is what is lost. But the most important is to have this ability to start all over again.
Starting all over again….it seems so easy but it is terrible to change all what you have done and planned.
To change your major, your hobbies, your life style, your addictions, your friends who weren’t really friends, the chocolate you put on your cup of milk or the kind of tea you drink.
The languages you want to learn, the country you want to live in. the person you want to be with when you aren’t feeling good. The agenda you have been sticking on your wall for long months waiting for the day to make it come true. The color you wear. The hair style you have. The music you listen to. The things you believe in and may be much more…
This how my life looks like those days.. I know it isn’t the greatest one that the good thinker I am would have loved to have but anyhow.. sometimes the world stands upon pillars of sands that you can whether consolidate or build again.