Thursday, May 27, 2010

I have a feeling (2)

After some days of hard work, excitement and over doses of energy, I wake up today completely dead. I am having a very lazy day..I feel sick and can’t concentrate with anything..
I realized that working during the night time doesn’t help to fix the deadline problem. Things might simply get worse because during the day, I felt so sleepy with this body totally emptied from its energy. I have to admit that 1am is not my best time to think intelligently.

Today was also my second day with the Algerian cakes classes. The group is getting larger, the cakes more sophisticated, and my abilities more efficient. Most of my mates are old ladies or married women and the subjects they talk about aren’t of a single interest for me. I just found a new way of being silent.

One of the ladies was talking about her life and her stepmother during the class then asked me if I was married. The only smart answer I could give her is that I believe in one God and I am not ready to have a second one.

I am having two main obsessions these days: finishing my project and getting a master opportunity.
The rest seems like an absolute bullshit. I have never spent such a long period in such a confusing mood. I strongly believe that it was due to some bad steps and wrong decisions that I don’t regret anyway but I simply would love to get rid of their consequences the soonest possible.
The stress of the final project presentation has already started taking part of each second of my day… I could, after breaking up and getting all my mental capacities back, to get to the top of the list in the last results of my university and this performance is a real incommodity.
I feel like if I am living in the middle of a jungle without any efficient arm to defend myself, and this showed up another aspect of my personality that I don’t appreciate that much.
I have always believed that being nice and loving would lead to peace all over the world but since I started hating some people, I noticed that I could get my rights back easily.
Well, it is the best proof that the books of psychology I spent long months reading them were a total fake. Most of the meanings that I attribute to things had to change because I was going on the wrong way.
And on this wrong way, I am followed by people taking part of it by interpreting badly what I say or what I do. It drives me sick because I am a person who doesn’t make others read between the lines. What I have in mind, I am enough brave to share it since life doesn’t represent this saint great, wonderful, irresistible, inspiring, attaching and only reason to exist.
A recent post I shared reminded me the brother I have who I met for less than 10 min.
I was sitting in front of him when his mom asked me to eat some fruits.. I thanked her for that and said that I wasn’t hungry because I ate in my uncle’s house just before coming.
My brother stood up and replied me: you are called flower so you should know how to take a flower from each place you go to.
My post was about boys and I used a metaphor to describe some of them who start seriously to make me fed up with their non sense requests..
In this note I wanted to get rid of the bees around me, and this egoist, selfish, dirty, and inhuman comment reminds me strongly my brother “Bilal”, and makes me smile 
After meeting who were supposed to be my real family, I felt kind of emotionally confused, weak and empty. This emptiness is unbelievable when you are surrounded by billion of people caring for you, but still I really appreciate it because it gives me enough reasons to concentrate on useful and beneficial stuffs.
I have the feeling that something new and completely unpredicted has to happen to me: just like travelling to a weird place, tasting a dirty food, or dressing like an idiot and walk in the streets of Algiers. I need to overcome my limits before the final project presentation and before my energy explode somewhere else.
From Algiers, in this rainy day.I thank all of you for reading.

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