Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Enough for this year :)

23 :00
After a walk in this hot evening of ramadan, i came back home to sit like every night in front of my computer.
Honestly, there isn’t much to do. Nothing to watch on TV and people seem to prefer staying each one in his own corner instead of visiting their relatives and enjoying the blessing moments of this month.
I am getting back to some good habits, just like praying In nights and doing my best to be a less bad person on this earth.
However, I started to get addicted to some annoying behaviors just like drinking a lot of coffee, and tea to stop my eternal headache that doesn’t leave me the whole of the day.
I am sleeping these days with the radio on, and even with this one, I find it hard to close my eyes.
My physical state is completely affected by the moral one: melancholy, abulia. God! What is next?!
I have to say that I am really in the middle of nowhere this time, and my worries are quite serious.
Since few days, I sat with myself and thought again of all what happened to me this year to find what is actually, going wrong.
I wish I didn’t do it. I wish I could be stupid in order not to realize the impurity of people and the reality of my world…
My moral pain is still the same, I am feeling worse each day and I really don’t know what to do to bring myself up.
I spend long nights thinking and thinking…I hope I could think of something nice, but all I remember is the bad things that happened to me since the last trip that I had to France, then the incident of march, the graduation time with hard work and pressure, my broken heart that trusted people who don’t even know what trust means, then the trip to Oran and the shocks that I got in some sensitive actions of VIH prevention.
I thought that I have overcame all these steps and I am stronger now, but I just realized that I am still in a real shit with these feelings.
For the first time in my life, I felt the real need of help but unfortunately, I am alone to face all of this.
It is like if you tend your hand and you find no other one to take it in the other side.
Believe me, such a feeling can’t be new, I was just too happy, and too available to all of them that I didn’t see the truth of each one of my pretended “friends”.
I am tired with this feeling of permanent sadness, tired of looking at myself in the mirror and realizing that my sweet smile is no longer on my lips.
I am tired of crying the whole night those who don’t even deserve a single thought of my mind.
I am even tired of being who I am… and with all of this, I’d say: enough!!

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