Thursday, August 19, 2010

A moral pain

Under heavy rains in the capital of Algeria, I set in front of my computer, in my room that got a new purple color, well chosen by mom, to think of my life.
This weather makes me so nostalgic and melancholic at the same time. I spent all the evening listening to music and looking at some pictures that I wish to wake up someday and find them totally erased from my memory. Well, this is my actual state since 2 weeks.
Ramadan started and so did the pleasures of Muslim people praying, reading the sacred Coran and getting closer to God with each single good action they can do.
From my side, as set in my plans, I got back to some old good habits and I am quite happy with that.
I hardly feel the time going… with a friend of mine, we decided to work for a restaurant as volunteers to serve food to poor people. It is really amazing!
This is concerning the positive aspects of my days…
I have a strong feeling that I am going through the hardest period of my entire life.
I am losing my smile like I have never done before. Jobless, heartbroken, I miss my daddy, I need holidays, I want to study, I want to make my mummy happy, I have enough motivation to build a career with what I love doing. I want to move on so many things that are still taking the shit out of me, and I realize in the middle of all of this, that I am alone to fight.
But fight against what? Against fate, against my mistakes, against luck, against the impurity of people or against myself. It just looks like a war, a big one, in which my weapons are too weak, too frail and helpless to defend the sensitive one I am.
I find it so hard to understand the world. This feeling drives me mad.
We judge according to our own parameters but we refuse to be judged the same way. We can’t handle people’s sincerity because we are too afraid of the good things that God, fate, luck or whatever you believe in, offers us.
I assure you that all the mathematical theories that I spent long years learning couldn’t help that much in such a place with such an irresponsible behavior that people adopt.
At the end, I don’t know… I just don’t know…
If it is me who should change. And if so, then what am I supposed to change?
My kindness? Because it is too much. I am sorry, I didn’t create myself, God did
My hopes? Because they won’t come true. I am a big dreamer so let me be.
My attitude? Because it isn’t similar to yours. I thought differences make the diversity of this world.
But it seems that according to you, I am a total shit committing a big mistake. A mistake that is teaching me the hard way about your impurity, instead of teaching of me about myself.
But I assure you… I am not happy with that…
I am afraid as I have never been. Afraid of what? I don’t know exactly. And in the middle of my tears, I feel this moral pain that gets worse day by day, even though I know, I am not guilty.
May be things had just to go this way.
May be, it isn’t true to think that we can chose absolutely everything in our lives.
May be, things have to happen for a specific reason that I sincerely hope to see soon, to bring myself up and cheer up.
I am not sure that I am getting my smile back. This time, it was seriously taken from me and I am just so sorry for what was inflected to my soul.
However, I am quite convinced that sooner or later, I will take my revenge… I will do in a good way because we don’t see the world in with the same eyes, and I am glad and delayed to realize that mine is at centuries of civilization from yours.
I thank all of you for reading.

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