Tuesday, March 16, 2010

In the middle of nowhere.

During 21 years, and 10months of existence I hated so many things that represented at each step of my life a frontier to get to the happiness I have always looked for.

I hated my cat Minou who used to sit on my grandmother’s lap. I hated milk in the morning before going to school. I hated to dress according to my mom’s tastes.
I hated exams, I hated my teacher of Arabic, I hated physics, I hated to wake up early
I hated the traffic jump, the Algerian transportation, the Arab society in which the misery poor people live without getting any care.
I hated my grandmother’s soup, and all her oily food.
I hated to be judged, to be taken for what I am not. I hated to be lied on, to be cheated on because it was for me the biggest proof of my stupidity.
And what I hated more is to pay for mistakes I don’t commit.
At this time of the year, I am not supposed to be sticking with those limits and steps.
I have accumulated series of loses and disappointment this year, that probably I wouldn’t have met in a century of life if I was somewhere else.
I don’t know how I should do to finish my project, now that my mate is not able to work.
Am I going to finish my part, to work on his tasks, or to leave everything?
I don’t have any idea of what is going to happen to me after graduating this year.
I am counting the months instead of the weeks, to see according to this low probability when I will be with my love.

In my class today, the teacher said that a human being always breaks himself. I was going to agree with her on that when I thought about my choices. The choices I thought I was absolutely right when I took them. Then I remembered this story of destiny and fate and thought of the environment of each one and had a change of mind.

All what I have done recently, I badly wanted to do it, I worked hard, I believed in every single action I was involving myself in. I dreamt, I hoped, I wanted, I scarified, I proved that I was ready to give all what I got to reach my aims.

But what made me fail wasn’t my lack of work or believes. It was simply the imaginary barriers that people’s put to make the others fail when they know they aren’t made to succeed.

I sincerely, don’t know if I am really selfless..I doubt I am, and I doubt someone on this earth exits without his selfishness. Most of the time, when we think we are doing our best to make our loved ones happy, we realize that our behavior is the best way we use to protect our own benefits.

I have learnt so much about trust this year, and I knew that the first and most important person to trust is the one inside us, the rest of people will come after.

I am not sure of being enough concentrated to tell you more about what is going through my mind so let me end up here and see you soon.


Agha said...

Dear Zahra,
I read this article it’s also very impressive I read a novel of Khalil jebran your article like his motivate people for reading here it exposed the reality mostly in the young age people often behaves in the way as Zara told in her article.

zahra said...

Thanks mister Agha...
Glad to know that you like it.