Sunday, March 21, 2010
Two sunny days after a very cold week have changed much more than the temperature degree.
I walked in the streets of El Biar. I am still meeting the same faces daily, in the same places, nothing has changed..May be just the clothes they wear, or the looks we have..Now we know each others.
I feel I have changed with the weather. I am exhausted. Back home I sat with a Turkish song to think.
I sat to think without knowing really what I should think about.
I put the picture of my father; I let my tears come down with it for a couple of minutes. It seems that my weaknesses didn’t change.
At some levels of life, we don’t know really where we are going. We don’t know how to deal with our worries, even the smallest ones.
I know I have to take decisions, and to deal with their consequences no matter how they are.
I am losing the feeling of satisfaction that makes the human being move on small details.
My goals were not reached and it drives me mad.
I do express my needs, my ideas, my innovation, my plans but nothing makes sense to the few ones forming the social part of my world.
I want to stop, to give up, till I find a selfless planet to live on.
I would love to take all the Turkish Raki, listen to all Sensiz Olamam s’ songs in front of the sea to empty my mind, to realize that some things just have to end and no need to look for an excuse to continue wasting my time with.
I would love that someone inflect to my mind the real meaning of destiny which seems to be the stronger force that is taking my hopes away.
I am so sorry..So sorry to be obliged to put a full stop to things I truly believed in because I fought for in the wrong place, the wrong time, and with the wrong people.
Dreams, hopes, love, admire, money, career, life or existence, days or months, intelligence or stupidity. At this level, they are all equal..I know they aren’t, for you..But for me: yes, they are.
I am not used to feel that I am out of my field but this time, I realized that I wasn’t in my element. I felt like a lawer trying to make a surgery while some victims are looking for someone to defend them. It is not my mind or my heart which is having such a wired way of thinking.
Honestly, I don’t care that much where it is coming from, and till I find the logic explanation to these endless series of looses, I stop at the famous Algerian expression that dammed people love to say when they intentionally fail: “Allah ghalab”