Friday, July 2, 2010

I have a feeling (5)

The morning of the 2nd day of July started with a melancholic weather that has some bad effects on my broken mood that is already suffering with my bad health.
Unable to leave my house, since the graduation day, my unexplained sickness drives me mad.
I feel so weak and my only hope is that this actual state doesn’t break my plans of travelling to Oran next weekend.
My graduation day was absolutely fantastic; everything was perfect, even though the director, president of the jury, was trying to contradict me all the time.
I ended up with 16/20 that I believe I strongly deserve because I worked alone and succeeded in doing more than what all the other students have done.
As I expected that day to be, the only person who represented my family was my mom..
I am really thankful to all my friends who came to support me, the ones who helped me like if they were real brother and sisters.
Curiously, I wasn’t that sad because my dad didn’t answer to my invitation and didn’t show up … I just think that I start to accept that my family won’t get larger than this and I have to do with this fact. Living alone isn’t easy, especially when you realize that you can’t or you don’t have the right to count on others with excess.
I wake up this morning with kind of strange feelings of sadness that I really don’t know where they come from.
I am again in the middle of nowhere, I have to take decisions, to do something with my life now and to do it quickly because days are running and wasting time has never been my hobby.
I have to set strategies and make sure they work, and this is the difficulty.
When I look at my wishes, they seem so sweet, so nice, so pure and so easy to achieve on any other land except that one. My priorities are few and my abilities are fewer. But still, judgment screws people’s lives and mine as well.
My mom has always reproached me the fact that I compare my life to other people’s ones.
I think that she was wrong, because this is the only way to measure my performance. It is when you evaluate what you reach comparing to what other has reached that you can decide if you are a winner or a loser.
She has always explained me that I need to dream according to what I got in my pockets as long as it is the only way to be sure of having the right dreams.
I am still fighting to get what Maslow calls first needs and it really busts the challenging, and true person I am.
Fulfillment for me now is based on three main desires that I sincerely hope to reach in the coming five years.
I might do it as I might not, but I am quite sure of something. If I succeed then it will be because my mind did it, with some motivation of my feelings and not because I have people standing behind me supporting me with superficial stuffs that most of girls at my age consider as “nerves of life” .
I thank all of you for reading

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